"It's not fair of you to hide in my dreams and not be here when I need you the most."

Which one is it?

This is the epitome of me.

Never assume anything out of me. Trust me, you have no idea who I am. Let not my actions or my words display to you how I feel. I am more complex than you could ever dream of. It's not a flaw, though. Nor do I find this to be a weakness. Rather a strength in so many words. For I am constantly being renovated. Let go. Let go. Let go. The only constant is change and the only person I want to be is me. For a second there I thought I had it all figured out. Be the good person. Give them all a fair chance. Apologize when your wrong and forgive when they can't. But it takes two to tango and two to fall apart. And when it does, I'll never be able to bring myself to care. "You left me first," I'll think and maybe I'll be wrong. But I'll never chase after you. It's not enough to know you loved me-when. Cuz I'm fantastic at convincing myself otherwise. At least with everyone but one. Not enough. Not enough. Not enough. Maybe I seek too much. Maybe I need too much. I'd rather be alone than settle, though. I may be weak but I'm not without courage. I take a deep breath and shove my heavy fears down my throat. I am lost, still not without direction. Never gave in. Never gave up. I'm the only thing I'm afraid of. I am royalty yet still meek. Only one reigns over me. Ever extending my arms, wrists and fingers, out.
I lied.
I do care.

Junkie Jonez

It's been DAYS since my last post, but it seems like much longer. Still, my insides are smiling and it's not love. At least not the romantic kind. Actually it may be the lack of love that is doing the trick. I'm so much more healthy when that kind of passion isn't clouding my thoughts. Love is like a drug to me and it's seriously addictive. Luckily enough the tiniest hit is all I need. Any more than that and I can't function, but any less and I suffer symptoms of withdrawal (seizures of the heart). I get my hits when I need them and that's enough. Well it's not enough but it's enough for now.

I'll be my own inspiration.

"Cause I
can't shake this fire
burning deep inside my
heart."

Wanted to let you know...

I wish I could say I am done. That I've given up and surrendered to the fact that what I want doesn't really exist. But I haven't. I can't. I read this on another blog today and it moved me :"Maybe the happy ending is knowing that being who we are is good enough and that we can stand on our own two feet. Maybe its knowing that it's okay to be alone." I feel like I'm flirting with the idea of this constantly in my mind. Being alone and being fine with it. I want to give in so badly. Cuz chasing after what I want always turns out messy. I want to stop wanting. Stop having expectations. Stop wondering who people could be and start finding out who they already are right now without alternative intent. I just want to know you! I want to show you my magic and shine some light your way. So after many of the same repetitive internal arguments, I've come to the conclusion that in order to do this I've got to stop obsessing over the little things. Instead I need to learn to take in the big picture. The beauty in it all is not finding someone who likes your hair or your sense of style. It's finding someone who fits with you like a puzzle piece. Each of you with your own unique image on the surface but together you make something special. I want to tell you that I'm really trying to give up on you & me. I'd rather find something that fits me a little better. But the one thing that's holding me back, is the idea that maybe you'll see it when I've completely severed these ties that bind us. I've said it before. It's the timing that counts. Love is never enough if the timing is off. So I'm through playing the game and waiting. I'm done talking about what I want. I'm just finished with this phase. I'm ready to be alone. Not only that, I'm ready to be thrilled by my own independence.

I feel like I don't have much to say, but I still want to say something. And as it always goes... the second I claim to have nothing to say, something to say always comes along. Tonight I'm just happy and content though, and that makes for very boring posts. It's hard to explain this satisfaction, and it's strange how it's always easier to write about the shitty days. The thirst and hunger for peace and happiness but once that comes... I draw up blanks. My mouth is open but the words won't fall from these lips. My fingers move on the board but I hardly get anywhere. So in search for something to write about I find something wrong, a piece missing from the puzzle, something to say, even if it's just say. I find the things I want. Things I play with, in my mind and dreams, but that reality doesn't grasp. I find you. You leaving. You changing. You dying. All the different yous. You who were once my best friend, my brother, my secret aching in my chest. Each and every one of you. I think of you all often. You're a part of me daily. Sometimes I wonder if I ever cross your minds. If what I experienced was real or just an attempt at closeness on both parts. You're in my tears and the things I fear most. You are my smile and all the butterflies fluttering inside me. You're everything that pains me to the core. But still you are loved and you don't even know it. I find it incredibly pathetic of myself to feel so strongly for all of you who made it look so easy to walk away. Nonetheless I am comfortable in these shoes, however mislead they may be. I wake every day to thoughts of at least one of you and I still smile. I smile and go on with my day. In hopes of finding the next you that makes it all just a little more bearable.

I feel so corky today. This positive feeling has washed over me and it's got me thinking that nothing can go wrong. Adventures await! And all the plans I have are manageable. Even more than that, I can't wait to make more plans. I love this feeling, no matter how long it lasts. Dare I say it that I may be a Happy Girl today?

I Need Something!
So badly.
I'm going to visit you tonight.
I'll breath in all that you give me.
Cuz lately all my lonely thoughts
have been filled of you.
There's peace and direction that is to be found
and my instincts have it that you're the map.

Miss York & Me!

I can't even explain how flattered and fulfilled I feel. It's like "Ahhh I'm so lucky!" I'm so lucky cuz I found this person who gets me. This person who picks up on the tiniest signals & never needs me to explain, but lets me anyway. You're my sister, my other half, my best friend, my everything. All my secrets, even the things I'm most ashamed of, I confess to you. No need to hide anything when I know you'll never judge me. You are the happiest and most pure thing in my world. I make it through the worst days cuz I know that you are going to remind me that it's all gunna be ok. You're by my side through every adventure, even if we happen to be in separate cities. Today you gave me over twenty reasons why you love me. So I just wanted to let you know that the reasons why I love you, Bessy, couldn't possibly be shrunken down into list cuz they would go on for days. I love everything! And I never get bored of you which is really saying a lot. I adore that you can see all my puzzle pieces put together, before I can see the big picture. And that you believe me (sometimes) when I tell you that you are whole and complete all on your own. No one else even compares. We are most comfortable, alive, energetic, amazing and loved when we remind ourselves that nothing is ever gunna be so bad that we can't handle it together. Oh and I hope you know that your my "something to look forward to" too!

Happy Monday!

Today is the beginning & the end.
It's hello & goodbye.

But in case you needed a reminder...

I want it too. Warmyness. Cuddles. A constant fix of great hugs and kisses that remedy even the worst of all bad days. Sweaty palms. Butterflies and tickles. Winks in the hallway and whispers when no one's looking. That feeling of security, when those arms find their way around your waist while you stand at the sink washing dishes. Even those little prickles of a 5 o'clock shadow. Kisses on your forehead and a personal tear-catcher when it hurts too much to breathe. That little grin that rolls across those lips when you say the wrong word and it still makes sense to him and the look that makes you never want to blink again.
I miss it.
But I know I can wait.
It'll be so worth it.

I don't know and I don't know how to know, you know?

My Newest Obsession!
(Click the Pic!)

Girl Crush!

"I don`t think I`m very much like anyone else, really. I`m sure there are aspects of other actors that I share, but I don`t see anybody else and go, "Damn, they stole my thing". I`m me, and I like that there are people who have an appreciation for that. "
-Zooey Deschanel

I'm finding it difficult to be inspired most days. Thirsting for a change or a breath of fresh air. It all seems so stale here, so repetitious. Work, school, work. I need a new job. I need a new outlook. I need things to be easier, even if it's just for a little while. I feel flawed and I keep forgetting about those things that really matter to me. It's not about how much you achieve but about how happy you are achieving it. It's silly but I find myself making a new commitment, weekly, to do something different. To change my ways or enforce new habits. And I think it's a good thing. I sort of admire myself for it because even if I slip up or fall flat on my face, at least I tried. That's more than a lot of people can say. Learning to be comfortable in your weaknesses is not a goal, if it's your weaknesses that are holding you back. Change it. Fix it. That's the most remarkable thing about human beings... we have will power and a conscience. So maybe I offer myself the advice I seek. If I want to be inspired, I should look no where else but within myself. Change it. Fix it.

I wish I was a little asian girlLook how cute I'd be!

The definition of Brini & Ashy!

Yesterday, today, tomorrow, and 'til the end... I will always be you're friend.

Dear FreeBird,
Please pick up your lazy bum from that couch and write the paper already. Do not soak in your discomfort for surely it will seize to exist soon enough. Remember to wear you heart not on your sleeve but wherever is most cozy. (Possibley locked inside your rib cage, where it belongs?) Understand that there is no such thing as luck, karma bares more of a logical explanation, if you ask me. But you didn't, so I'll shut my trap and think before I speak. Care not what others think, for the thoughts of two or five do not compare to the one that truly matters. Be not confused by your emotions. They are of little use to your conception of truth. But still, please love immensely. For love can do no harm with pure intentions. Be instinctively driven and you shall never go wrong. Thrill yourself with adventure and be not tempted by attraction, but rather good-natured conversation. Hug many. Hurt few. Knowingly state your intent. As for the rest... leave it to the wild things to discover. You will never be quite as lovely and radiant as u are in your purest form. So feel free to be unsoiled. You are entitled to know that you are one of the finest treats. Steadily move those tired fingers through the pages of this chapter and soon you will find yourself in the next. Be sure to remind yourself once in a while though, that you and only you are the author of this novel. The other characters may take on their own thoughts but you get to decide how the story ends.

With Love,
Hindered Wings

Goal:

Get Happy and Have Bendy Knees

Uhhhh... Self Explanatory

Love should never be about who gives more, who takes more, or who doesn't give enough. Always love fully with everything you've got, you'll be a happier person for it. If each of us give love fully and still the relationship fails then you know it was not meant to be. But if each of us love halfheartedly, we will always thirst for more, and then it is certain that the relationship be doomed from the start.

"I know not what."

I was doing so well, you know... getting happy, avoiding the things that made me feel like a piece of shit. And then, in one second, I let all the Jenga pieces in the Jenga tower fall all around me. That order that I had, the security that I began to feel isn't really present anymore. But I know its all within my power to rebuild. I shouldn't have done what I did and even in that moment I knew I was going to regret it. At the same time, I felt like I didn't know how to get myself out of that mess in any other way. So yes, I'm lying when I say that I'm all good. I'm not but I'm aware of it. And today is the first day of making my new goals happen. I'm at the point where my messing up is less about learning from my mistakes and more about battling with the "what if's." What if this time is different. What if I don't feel so guilty after. What if it all works out. My instincts speak otherwise and they always have. I JUST NEED TO START LISTENING! Make me listen. The "what if's are liars." Don't pay any attention to them. They are the darkness calling my name. Satisfaction and fulfillment come not from the darkness, but the light. I want to be the light. I need to be the light. I am the light. Just need that reminder ever so often. Nothing good ever comes easy, I know. But maybe the collapse of my Jenga tower serves as an opportunity to build a stronger foundation.
Bee is a Freebird!: (Goals for Living Better)
Stop letting external variables run my life. Don't do something if I don't want to do it. Stop letting myself believe that maybe if I just give it a shot it'll be ok. No more trying to get people to like me. I am a whole person on my own! Besides, the people that already like me are enough. Stop looking for love or romance or the perfect nice guy. Just stop trying so much. Things will happen. Make my goals and don't let myself be talked out of them. If I say I'm gunna: write the paper, go for the bike ride, not buy lunch, not miss a day of work on campus, not fall asleep in class, say hi to a stranger, eat healthy, be in bed by 10:30pm, wake up by 6:30am, take Harli for a walk before bed. Then that is exactly what I'll do. I've gotta stop talking myself out-of and in-to things. Just need to start listening to my instincts.

" Your want a better story. Who wouldn't?

A forest, then. Beautiful trees. And a lady singing.

Love on the water, love underwater, love, love and so on.

What a sweet lady. Sing lady, sing! Of course, she wakes the dragon.

Love always wakes the dragon and suddenly

flames everywhere.

I can tell already you think I'm the dragon,

that would be so like me, but I'm not. I'm not the dragon.

I'm not the princess either.

Who am I? I'm just a writer. I write things down.

I walk through your dreams and invent the future. Sure,

I sink the boat of love, but that comes later.
And yes, I swallow glass, but that comes later.

And the part where I push you

flush against the wall and every part of your body rubs against the bricks,

shut up!

I'm getting to it.

For a while I thought I was the dragon.

I guess I can tell you that now.
And, for a while, I thought I was the princess,

cotton candy pink, sitting there in my room, in the tower of the castle,

young and beautiful and in love and waiting for you with confidence

but the princess looks into her mirror and only sees the princess,

while I'm out here, slogging through the mud, breathing fire,

and getting stabbed to death.

Okay, so I'm the dragon. Bid deal.

You still get to be the hero."
-Richard Siken

It won't be quite as easy to unzip me this time.

Cuz history has been repeated more times
than I could count.
You're an expert when it comes to my weaknesses
and you know just how far to push
before I snap.
It won't be quite as easy to unzip me this time.

Yellow Bible!

"If you remember that you have wings, you will soar!"

Goodnight --- I love you

I was remembering today, the end of us.

You're face and the pained look stained to it.
The things you said in those last few weeks.
In the dark, with your fingers swimming
through my tangley hair.
The way I felt your love deep in my bones.
How I couldn't breathe when you told me.
The promises you made with
every intention to keep.
All the love-fights and tears,
before the goodbyes.
Maybe it was time that we needed.
Cuz my lungs are taking in air again.
And I'm happy to say you're my friend.
"I kinda miss you," you said.
And there were many things I would
have loved to respond with.
But a smile is all that came to mind.
I feel your love in my bones again,
though it's different now I'm sure.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

"We were inside the train car when I started to cry.
You were crying too, smiling and crying in a way
that made me even more hysterical.
You said I could have anything I wanted,
but I just couldn't say it out loud.
Actually, you said Love, for you,
is larger than the usual romantic love.
It's like a religion. It's...
terrifying."

-Richard Siken

Read the entire poem here: http://www.poetryfoundation.org/archive/poem.html?id=177722 (It's quite magnificent!)

You MUST check out this page!
http://mylifeisaverage.com/

I learned something today, but I'm not going to tell you about it. It's my secret and I won't let you make it any less magical that what it truly and already is. Besides if you don't believe, it'd never make any sense, anyhow, but I was just so excited that I had to tell you. My world makes sense today. Not everything. Like I still do not for the life of me understand why the sky is blue, or why you left, or how water can taste soooo good. But I do understand why we all act that way we do and I understand how I am going to live a life that matters and I understand that I can't fix it all but I can put a dent in this mess and be a bright light of a reminder. You probably don't understand, but you will. One day, I promise. Trust me. I will be the light that shines when all else fades.