It's Gravity.

"You get back here. You do it slowly. Do it calm, now don't be so angry. I got something I've been chasing, every day since I started walking. It just sits there in the distance. It always flirts with the tips of my fingers. You thought that you could love it, until it touched you and now you just wanna stop it. Well I'm sorry. It's not likely. It was here when you got here. And it'll be here when you're not here no more. And then some days, I get lucky. I can focus and things are less shaky. And I scrape you off the pale moon and I slip you into soft shoes. And you tapdance to a jazz band, on a cruise ship, near an island. And your hair's up. You wear a short dress and a wide smile, your movements are careless. It's a daydream I keep having, to make the clocks move while I'm working or a bad joke I can't sit through and I smile because I feel like I have to. But if you'd look under the table you'd see I'm playing with my knife. I'm slicing stripes into my kneecaps and I'm struggling just to come off polite.
We could be a snapshot framed and hung like a portrait. What if that's true and I'm the only one who knows it?"

One Hundred & Twenty Two Days!
Days that I have dedicated to you.And now One Hundred & Twenty Two more...
Dedicated, solely to me.

"Don't you see it's wrong?
Can't you get it right?
Out of mind and out of sight!"

And somehow it still stings... just a little bit.

Remember Bird the Freebird?
Well, she's on her way back!
I will no longer give away my power.
"See it feels bad now but it's gunna get better."

I've been over taken with a terrible case of the hiccups. Terribley terrible. But I am finding that it's quite miraculous how well not running away works out somehow. I have taken messy in the brain to a new level and strangely enough, I made a little sense of it all. Not all of it though, unfortunately. A random man walked by me today and noticed my heavy head and uncontrollabley frowning mouth and you know what he said to me? "Smile! It's a beautiful day!" Literally! Word for word. It was like something you see in a movie, not something that actually happens to you in real life. And the second that those words leaked from his lips I thought, "What in the world possessed that man to say those words to me on this day of all days? When I'm at my worst? When I'm feeling broken and nothing has gone my way? What told him that those words were exactly what I needed?" I'll never really know, but the important thing is that he did. And those words shifted the rest of my day. I don't have it all figured out. I know too little, but really, what is enough? It's about being open to people and new things, about forgetting about the boundaries that have held you back. It's in the way that you carry yourself. It's in the way that you love yourself and everyone around you. It's faith. And my hiccups have gone away.

We might be giants!
We might be flees.
We might be the very thing
That will bring you to your knees.
Breathe.
Breathe.
And let the rest of it go.

Just a little farther...
Cuz I'm ready and willing and waiting!

We all want to be these shiny happy people. No flaws. Living the lives we were meant to live. We want to be satisfied and well prepared for everything headed our way. We want perfection and fairy tale endings. We want it all. Then one day you wake up and you realize that it doesn't last. That you get it and it's gone before you open your eyes again from that one single blink. You start to second guess your thoughts, your emotions, your every fluttery feeling. It was there, wasn't it? You couldn't have imagined all of that, right? And in that second guess you find all the reasons to believe it wasn't real. That your shiny happiness was nothing more than a euphoric blur. But in truth, there is a cycle to this madness. It's a roller coaster motion and we keep riding
because
it never fails to be worth the rush.

"And I'm not sure what the trouble was that started all of this. The reasons all have run away, but the feeling never did. It's not something I would recommend, but it is one way to live. Cause what is simple in the moonlight by the morning never is."

"Yeah when you realize it's a pattern
And not a phase.
It's what you've become
And it's what you will stay.
That's ballgame."

Hmmmm... I don't think this will be ending very well. I really want to cut my ties now. I read it. And it's blatantly obvious that I am very similar to her. I HATE THAT! I never want to be compared to another HER again. And there are secrets and mistrusts and the bird is being driven insane. I've got to stop it. I've got to run. It's getting repetitive and I don't do repetitive. I want out. No I want you to give me a reason to not want out. Because really. I just want you. It's not fair and I can't make you and this situation out to be what I want it to be. So I'll settle.

"The longer that I'm out here the better you sound

You're scrunching up your face in this picture I found and
I'm chasing after you, steadily losing ground
I don't wanna forget so I'm writing it down
Have you ever? No, never never?
I find that hard to believe
Now let's burn the furniture
To see how angry a fire can make me
And you say that there's someone that you need to reconnect with
Some scarecrow from high school that you loved but never slept with
A baby with a pipe dream playing hopscotch on your bandages
And I'm singing all his songs while I sleep on your couch
I'm coughing up a lung but I'm covering my mouth and
I paint you on the wall
Yellow, red, green and brown
I miss you all the time but I'm blocking it out
Are you better? No, never never?
What does that say about me?
Now let's break the smoke alarm
To see how scared locked windows will make me
So you say there's a stranger staring sideways in a deep freeze
A loner draped in ivy playing slumlord in his city dream
A faker with an art form pulling magic tricks on the weak girls up his sleeve
And I'm choking right along with the words in my throat
I'm falling back in love with the letter you wrote and
I think that I was wrong, but I guess I don't know
I figure that I'll wait until you tell me so
The longer that I'm out here the better you sound
You're scrunching up your face in this picture I found and
I'm chasing after you steadily losing ground
I miss you all the time but I'm blocking it out."

I have once again gone and made a mess of my life and tangled myself up in this interwoven mess of messiness. At times I wish and feel it would be much more easy to return to my state of little girlness and let my mother's hand guide me in the right direction. But in reality this is what I've been fighting all along. The fight to let go of her hand and be on my own.