My Life in a Nutshell

"You get to this point in your life when everything that used to matter suddenly doesn't anymore and the people that once shaped your life in the most profound ways are now long gone. But then you blink and when you open your eyes, something new has come along and begun to shape your life once more."

- A Very Birdy Girl

Maybe it'll all be okay. Maybe it won't. At least this time fear will not keep me from seeing what might happen. Either way, at the end of this things will be different. I've grown a sense of self that you'll never be aware of and once again that says more about you than it does about me. But really, does anyone know anybody at all? Heavy legs two steps behind some ever dangling carrot, is all we'll ever be.

I couldn't see it. All these plans and events coming straight at us and I never once saw you being apart of them. It's surreal and unsettling. When you go... what happens to the ones you've left behind?

You're better! I'm sorry I can't be with you. I'm sorry I put myself in situations that make you wanna scream. But I'm eternally grateful to have you in my life. No one sees me quite like you do. Trust me. Believe me. And please don't ever leave me.

In all my life, I've never met a person like you. You're the Big to my Carrie and that's not exactly a good thing. But it's something and it's nothing.

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"People universally tend to think that happiness is a stroke of luck, something that will maybe descend upon you like fine weather if you're fortunate enough. But that's not how happiness works. Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it." -Eat, Pray, Love

One day, possibly much sooner than I can dream of, my life will be overtaken by books and photographs. And I will be in Heaven. My three new books came in the mail today. Yes, Mego I still have an enormous stack growing in my closet. But no, I will not stop buying them. I guess I've found my bad habit, right?

You do what you love and fuck the rest!

So the thing here is this. I don't always do what is good for me. Sometimes I kiss people I shouldn't kiss and sometimes I say exactly what I shouldn't say. It's hard to know what I really mean. Because maybe today I want you, but you're not promised a tomorrow. It's not like I ever want to say goodbye forever, but I also will not stand for anyone's shit. "So I need to either forgive or forget." If you hurt me, don't expect me to forget. It lingers around a while. I can forgive you though, with a generous amount of graveling. How interesting is it, the idea of either one or the other? Of course there is always a 3rd option, soak in your anger and discomfort and get absolutely no where. I usually take this option, for the others never sound too appealing. But today I sat and thought rationally. (This is another challenge of mine.) Really the 3rd option isn't an option at all, it's more like pressing pause at the worst part of the movie. You never get to see how things get resolved and you can't pretend like you didn't just see the first half of the movie. So all you're left with are the two F's. If you choose forgiveness, you have to face the facts and let go of all the rest. You have to decide to put yourself at peace with the situation. But if you choose to forget you risk erasing anything you may have possibly learned from the situation or movie if you will. So it's obvious right? Forgiveness is key. We have to let go at some point. It's realllllllly hard but I'm trying to keep reminding myself of this and stressing the fact that it's about forgiveness not forgetting. Any-who... I'm thinking I want to develop a bad habit like drinking coffee or buying shoes. Oh and I want to start collecting something so when I'm an old lady I'll have something to show my grandkidlets. I can't wait to be an old lady! I'm really glad I'm finally falling out of my funk. I thought I might be stuck there for a while. But not this time, I got back up on my two freebirdy girl feet and I'm about to leap again. The difference this time is this, I'm not expecting anyone to catch me. It's all me now! It's all free now!

Once upon a time... I was a very happy girl. Then I fell for someone who was right for me in all the wrong ways. Now I thirst for something that I never had and I've given up so much for essentially nothing. It's about time to move on now, but I'm having trouble finding which way to go. I'm worn out on being sad and I've out grown everything that's still around. But it doesn't matter if I'm here or there. It just doesn't matter, because I'll be the same anywhere.

"My life is a chaos of pointless acts and exploding emotions."So tomorrow I think I'm just going to wake up and decide to be happy. Just take care of me like everyone has been telling me to do lately. It's not worth it to live any other way. I'm going to treat myself to some shopping and a nice walk. No more of this mopey sad shit. I have so much more to live for. And that's it. Cross your fingers for me.