Hello beautiful girl, I just felt you needed a little reminder... You are going to make it through all of this. Your work is going to pay off, I swear. Keep your chin up and hold on. Get this done. So you can start your new chapter in a new place. I wish I could hug you and make it all alright. I wish that was enough. I wish you had someone to make it enough. But in the absence of someones you have yourself... you have me. Hold on girl. Just 5 more weeks.

I like to imagine that you were happy, happy in a warm way."I don't want to fall for you and this is the only way. I'm sorry. I thought it might work, but I'm not ready. And this new job is next week. I won't ever be around and I don't want to be worrying about a relationship. Go ahead and yell at me, I've already prepared myself for the speel. I know I'm an asshole, but right now I don't care what anyone says. I'm doing my thing. And I'm sorry I led you on. goodnight."

How about you just don't make rules for it this time. Don't jump in but also don't hold back.

I kissed someone in the precipitation the other night. It should have been you. It didn't make it better, only you could have done that. And now I'm out. I'm free. Free Free Free like only this Bird could be. You are going to be ok. I am going to be ok. But you and I will never again be "ok".

Found these words and I'm still having trouble convincing myself I didn't write them first so therefore they are worthy of a post."If it's true that every heartache makes you stronger, I'm going to be bulletproof one of these days.
Sick of having to be guarded with everyone, sick of acting like nothing hurts, sick of convincing myself I'm over it.
I hate dreaming that you're next to me and waking up alone.
I hate that you let me down, I hate that you broke your promises, I hate that you still have this hold on me, but what I hate the most is that I'd take you back in a heartbeat and all this would still mean nothing to you.
I thought you were decent, I thought you were a man.
Stupid girl, should've known."
-Kaleidoscope Girl

"In order to rebuild something. You must first tear it down."

"All my nightmares escaped my head
Bar the door, please don't let them in
You were never supposed to leave
Now my head's splitting at the seams."
-Radical Face

"I want you. I want you today. I'll want you tomorrow. And I wanted you yesterday. I keep telling you I am here. I keep telling you I'm not going anywhere, and you don't give a shit. I want to be here with you. I want to help you and you to help me. I want you to trust me. But you don't and you don't care about me. I'm just entertainment for you, every couple of months until you decide to be a dick to me. I told you I wanted to stay happy with you. You're ruining it and it's only been four days. Just stop it. Let me fucking in. Or don't. But I don't want to fuck or fight. I want to be real. Because missing you sucks and fighting with you sucks. I only win when we're happy."
"You're only happy when you win."
"Well this time you win."Intimacy with our fingers and toes. Legs in your lap and truth in the air, you chose me. For the very first time. "And don't go saying I'm not trying." I met you half way, but it was much further for you. I was glad. Calluses like metaphors. Jokes like memories. I loved the window. I loved that color. I loved your shoes. Reverse. Reverse. Reverse.

I miss my baby Gem Gem. (On a side note, I need to dress her up like the babies above!) It's been a week since I've cuddle with her cuteness. But I must dedicate a portion of this post to her daddy. Happy Birthday Jared, know that you are truly missed and we're taking good care of the very best thing you left behind. She's a lot like you, in only the good ways of course. I hope you know that.

Something fell of my shoulders in Washington. This is how it's supposed to be. I'm free and I'm happy. And the tricks and ties of all the whys have escaped me. I had a beer in an art gallery and carried on comfortable conversation without any intent on portraying someone else's confidence or appearance. Felt good. I was myself. I held nothing back and I told the truth. Then I came home and I played... free. I sincerely laughed and never stopped to second guess myself. I just need to keep my priorities straight and this will all work out well. When traveling I feel like I am constantly learning something new about myself and about what I want. And upon leaving Seattle I was struck with the overwhelming awareness of the fact that I must leave California. This is not where I fit, or where I belong. At least not right now. So goal time! In the next 5 years I want to set up residence somewhere else. Somewhere with trees and history architecture and art. Sooo much art.
Happiness is when what you say and what you do are the same thing.

"The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so unbelievably free that your very act of existence is rebellion." -TLBH

Marks left deep in me. It's detachment like we've never known. And when you can separate reality from the delusional fantasies, what is left is what makes sense. But this love lies within the fantasies and the madness, the fights and the sweetness of insanity. Say it over and over, I will love you. I will love you forever. "It hurts."

When you love someone, should it hurt?

It's better if you just say it.

"And I'm not you. I have trust. I have 75% trust... you're running on empty and it takes a mental basket to tell you that. Just remember you can have it all."

"I want you. and i want you here. That's what makes this hard for you and myself. But i miss you so much, but I'm also so close to opening my very own brewery and i just need to stick with it. I wanted you in my life, I was unwilling to compromise. I'm sorry for that, but you were also unwilling. I know I'm an exceptionally moody human that doesn't know what he wants. but I do know if I had a proper opportunity I would sincerely do what I could to make things work with you. In fact I still would , our fights were trivial and meaningless and I didn't speak to you after wards because I didn't know what to say or do. I didn't want us together because it meant more than i was will to dish out at the time (specifically a log distance thing paired with a California thing) and while yes I could move their and be with you i also sincerely cannot because of my future here. I know it's asking a lot but but i would treat you like a proper princess if you were to move here because I do need you, even love you and i would make it worth both our time. Before I was slightly afraid of another commitment because of my past. and now I know when you find somebody special you should hang on to them. And you're special. Pleas don't write me to feel miserable, you make me feel like a good man and a miserable lonely bastard that only wishes to torture the souls of pretty young ladies at same time. Which, I guess is good on you. I miss you, I want you, I need you. It hurts."
-J

I wonder what would happen if I said yes to every opportunity that came my way. It would be a new twist on Freebirdism, huh?

"Do what you can now. Forget what wasn't done then."

It's a pizza place called the Rebellion. Fried snickers bars. The genius of the oven and the silliness of crumbs in the bed. The things I didn't say and the things I really meant. When I left angry in the dark and drove to get ice cream. Dancing in the kitchen, back and forth til I could breath again. The taste of Saison Du Brittaney and knowing it was mine. The guitar case beneath the upside down picture on the shelf. The filters and the ash. Pesto pasta in a cheese pie pan. Snooze. And that mother fucking rooster alarm clock. Sorbet with stolen spoons. A tent for two. Skinny dipping with strangers. A hidden creek. A lie. A fight. Some tears and a sorry Thirsty Thursday. Sleep rape. Holding hands. Wishing to leave. Wishing I hadn't left. Going back for one last look. And wishing I had been enough."How can the only thing that's killing me make me feel so alive?"

I want to be excited for something! And it not to be wrong.

Thinker and Thought

I introduce myself by a different name with each new person I meet. I have begun to listen to British folk music and dope dub step beats. I made trouble on a fleece blanket today. The blanket had some saint-like religious being on it, like the virgin mary or possibly mother teresa. I noticed this only after the sinfulness took place. I lied. I skipped class. But only one.... the other two were canceled. I told the truth and washed away all of the mess. Then I tied my wet tangles in a bow on the top of my thinker and thought hard about the procession of my day. It would be quite convenient if I could say that I have regrets. But I don't, the banana bread was precious and the conversation was even more magnificent. Whether it's better or worse I don't know, but I felt nothing. Nothing at all. And in that I see that I want to feel. All of this is meaningless otherwise. I just don't want to be vulnerable to the choking suffocation of dependency.

"The people who make us happy are never the people we expect. So when you find someone, you've got to cherish it."

I need these!

"I know you. I know you're lonely. I think you need someone to want you. Well I do want you so be brave and want me back."