Hello beautiful girl, I just felt you needed a little reminder... You are going to make it through all of this. Your work is going to pay off, I swear. Keep your chin up and hold on. Get this done. So you can start your new chapter in a new place. I wish I could hug you and make it all alright. I wish that was enough. I wish you had someone to make it enough. But in the absence of someones you have yourself... you have me. Hold on girl. Just 5 more weeks.

I like to imagine that you were happy, happy in a warm way."I don't want to fall for you and this is the only way. I'm sorry. I thought it might work, but I'm not ready. And this new job is next week. I won't ever be around and I don't want to be worrying about a relationship. Go ahead and yell at me, I've already prepared myself for the speel. I know I'm an asshole, but right now I don't care what anyone says. I'm doing my thing. And I'm sorry I led you on. goodnight."

How about you just don't make rules for it this time. Don't jump in but also don't hold back.

I kissed someone in the precipitation the other night. It should have been you. It didn't make it better, only you could have done that. And now I'm out. I'm free. Free Free Free like only this Bird could be. You are going to be ok. I am going to be ok. But you and I will never again be "ok".

Found these words and I'm still having trouble convincing myself I didn't write them first so therefore they are worthy of a post."If it's true that every heartache makes you stronger, I'm going to be bulletproof one of these days.
Sick of having to be guarded with everyone, sick of acting like nothing hurts, sick of convincing myself I'm over it.
I hate dreaming that you're next to me and waking up alone.
I hate that you let me down, I hate that you broke your promises, I hate that you still have this hold on me, but what I hate the most is that I'd take you back in a heartbeat and all this would still mean nothing to you.
I thought you were decent, I thought you were a man.
Stupid girl, should've known."
-Kaleidoscope Girl

"In order to rebuild something. You must first tear it down."

"All my nightmares escaped my head
Bar the door, please don't let them in
You were never supposed to leave
Now my head's splitting at the seams."
-Radical Face

"I want you. I want you today. I'll want you tomorrow. And I wanted you yesterday. I keep telling you I am here. I keep telling you I'm not going anywhere, and you don't give a shit. I want to be here with you. I want to help you and you to help me. I want you to trust me. But you don't and you don't care about me. I'm just entertainment for you, every couple of months until you decide to be a dick to me. I told you I wanted to stay happy with you. You're ruining it and it's only been four days. Just stop it. Let me fucking in. Or don't. But I don't want to fuck or fight. I want to be real. Because missing you sucks and fighting with you sucks. I only win when we're happy."
"You're only happy when you win."
"Well this time you win."Intimacy with our fingers and toes. Legs in your lap and truth in the air, you chose me. For the very first time. "And don't go saying I'm not trying." I met you half way, but it was much further for you. I was glad. Calluses like metaphors. Jokes like memories. I loved the window. I loved that color. I loved your shoes. Reverse. Reverse. Reverse.

I miss my baby Gem Gem. (On a side note, I need to dress her up like the babies above!) It's been a week since I've cuddle with her cuteness. But I must dedicate a portion of this post to her daddy. Happy Birthday Jared, know that you are truly missed and we're taking good care of the very best thing you left behind. She's a lot like you, in only the good ways of course. I hope you know that.

Something fell of my shoulders in Washington. This is how it's supposed to be. I'm free and I'm happy. And the tricks and ties of all the whys have escaped me. I had a beer in an art gallery and carried on comfortable conversation without any intent on portraying someone else's confidence or appearance. Felt good. I was myself. I held nothing back and I told the truth. Then I came home and I played... free. I sincerely laughed and never stopped to second guess myself. I just need to keep my priorities straight and this will all work out well. When traveling I feel like I am constantly learning something new about myself and about what I want. And upon leaving Seattle I was struck with the overwhelming awareness of the fact that I must leave California. This is not where I fit, or where I belong. At least not right now. So goal time! In the next 5 years I want to set up residence somewhere else. Somewhere with trees and history architecture and art. Sooo much art.
Happiness is when what you say and what you do are the same thing.

"The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so unbelievably free that your very act of existence is rebellion." -TLBH

Marks left deep in me. It's detachment like we've never known. And when you can separate reality from the delusional fantasies, what is left is what makes sense. But this love lies within the fantasies and the madness, the fights and the sweetness of insanity. Say it over and over, I will love you. I will love you forever. "It hurts."

When you love someone, should it hurt?

It's better if you just say it.

"And I'm not you. I have trust. I have 75% trust... you're running on empty and it takes a mental basket to tell you that. Just remember you can have it all."

"I want you. and i want you here. That's what makes this hard for you and myself. But i miss you so much, but I'm also so close to opening my very own brewery and i just need to stick with it. I wanted you in my life, I was unwilling to compromise. I'm sorry for that, but you were also unwilling. I know I'm an exceptionally moody human that doesn't know what he wants. but I do know if I had a proper opportunity I would sincerely do what I could to make things work with you. In fact I still would , our fights were trivial and meaningless and I didn't speak to you after wards because I didn't know what to say or do. I didn't want us together because it meant more than i was will to dish out at the time (specifically a log distance thing paired with a California thing) and while yes I could move their and be with you i also sincerely cannot because of my future here. I know it's asking a lot but but i would treat you like a proper princess if you were to move here because I do need you, even love you and i would make it worth both our time. Before I was slightly afraid of another commitment because of my past. and now I know when you find somebody special you should hang on to them. And you're special. Pleas don't write me to feel miserable, you make me feel like a good man and a miserable lonely bastard that only wishes to torture the souls of pretty young ladies at same time. Which, I guess is good on you. I miss you, I want you, I need you. It hurts."
-J

I wonder what would happen if I said yes to every opportunity that came my way. It would be a new twist on Freebirdism, huh?

"Do what you can now. Forget what wasn't done then."

It's a pizza place called the Rebellion. Fried snickers bars. The genius of the oven and the silliness of crumbs in the bed. The things I didn't say and the things I really meant. When I left angry in the dark and drove to get ice cream. Dancing in the kitchen, back and forth til I could breath again. The taste of Saison Du Brittaney and knowing it was mine. The guitar case beneath the upside down picture on the shelf. The filters and the ash. Pesto pasta in a cheese pie pan. Snooze. And that mother fucking rooster alarm clock. Sorbet with stolen spoons. A tent for two. Skinny dipping with strangers. A hidden creek. A lie. A fight. Some tears and a sorry Thirsty Thursday. Sleep rape. Holding hands. Wishing to leave. Wishing I hadn't left. Going back for one last look. And wishing I had been enough."How can the only thing that's killing me make me feel so alive?"

I want to be excited for something! And it not to be wrong.

Thinker and Thought

I introduce myself by a different name with each new person I meet. I have begun to listen to British folk music and dope dub step beats. I made trouble on a fleece blanket today. The blanket had some saint-like religious being on it, like the virgin mary or possibly mother teresa. I noticed this only after the sinfulness took place. I lied. I skipped class. But only one.... the other two were canceled. I told the truth and washed away all of the mess. Then I tied my wet tangles in a bow on the top of my thinker and thought hard about the procession of my day. It would be quite convenient if I could say that I have regrets. But I don't, the banana bread was precious and the conversation was even more magnificent. Whether it's better or worse I don't know, but I felt nothing. Nothing at all. And in that I see that I want to feel. All of this is meaningless otherwise. I just don't want to be vulnerable to the choking suffocation of dependency.

"The people who make us happy are never the people we expect. So when you find someone, you've got to cherish it."

I need these!

"I know you. I know you're lonely. I think you need someone to want you. Well I do want you so be brave and want me back."

I'm seeing it. It's starting to make sense. Never again. It's not something I need to worry about. It's not in my hands. You can't fight for something that does not exist. And can not exist. Accept that. Accept it. You'll be a better person for it. I don't care what you believe! I care what I believe. And I do believe. When I am weak I am strong. I am so strong. Fearless. I can finally breathe.

"We can do what we want. We're gunna need to make some rules though. Keep it simple alright, no future, no names, no touching, this is not a hookup. I've got interpersonal issues. And syphilis. And the reason I chose you is cuz you're little and I do karate. This is a one day only deal."-Liv
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oGz3qhvgraE

"Truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for."♥

"For when I am weak, then I am strong."

-2 Corinthians 12:8-10

"Why can't you ever prove me wrong?"No Regrets. Just Love.

"I don't do relationships."
"Why?"
"Because they suck."
"You're wrong."

Tonight I was beautiful. And you missed it. Tomorrow I will be beautiful once more, but you won't be given the opportunity to miss it.

If it's not what you want, tell me. I'll walk away right now. I've always known, and I won't settle for less anymore. The familiarity drives me insane and at the same time, it is exactly what keeps me. I have options, and I finally finally like someone new! It's taken me forever to get to this place. I don't claim to have it all figured out and I never have. But you are supposed to like my laugh and you are supposed to enjoy making me happy. Because what sort of relationship is based upon tearing one another down? Be better. Be better. Because I won't take any less.

"Are you still listening?"

It was probably just a dream. One where you grab me close and kiss me in the rain. You kissed my nose and wouldn't let me go. You tasted sweet, like watermelon. And you held me tight and we shivered as the rain beat down on my soaking wet hair. Drops of water fell in my eyes, forcing me to blink and then there you were again. On my lips, smiling like I had always seen you smile before. I like to imagine that you were happy, happy in a warm way. But all I keep thinking is... it wasn't real. It wasn't real. It was NOT real.

You're burned into my head.

On days like these, when everything seems to be killing me, I have a looksy at your page just to twist the knife in my gut a little more. It's safe to say we're strangers. Fuck my stupid heart. If I could, I would rip it out of my chest and put it under my mattress. For safe keeping, of course, because I feel like everyday I get a little more jaded. A little more lost. A little more doubtful of everyone I meet. And you never asked why or when it'll ever stop. You know it won't and there is comfort in that for you... and for me. Comfort in the tears and your heart's missing beats.
"Let's compare scars. Mine are worse. ;)"
"P.S. I think that means you love me."

Save the whales.
Save the trees.
Save your aluminum.
Save your plastic too.
Save time.
Save your breath.
Save your mother Earth.
Save the liars.
Save money.
Save your bottle-caps.
Save the music.
Save the furry animals.
Save the broken hearts.
Save the photographs.
Save yourself.
And if you can... save me too.

"Maybe we're just a story we like to tell each other?"

"So why do I see a glorious fucking head-fuck thing?"

Jonezy!!!! Oh I am so ashamed of myself right now.... So so so ashamed! But being that this is my fancy dancey boggy blog and I can do whatever I please with it... I am going to confess my shameful shameful thing I did and just hope that I don't become a big joke to all you beautiful people that follow me. Sooo here goes... Being the silly self involved (But really not so self involved) girl that I am... somehow I just, and I mean just found out that people have been commenting on my posts for the last 2 years!!! ;( I feel soooooooo silly and upside-down and catty-wampus, (though no one seems to know what that word means. I think my mom made it up and told it to me when I was younger, so I just assumed it was real and still to this day continue to use it, in all it's plasticity) because I have often felt that my words were just going out into the infinite abyss not to be read by anyone other than my sweet best friends, who only read them out of obligation or nosiness, I'm sure. But today I found a couple dozen comments from a couple different people that never received a response from me... to those people.... I am so unbelievably sorry and embarrasses. I was quite flattered by the words that you all left for me so I also would like to say thank you! And I'd like to mention that I am thinking of creating a Tumblr account so possibly look forward to that! Sorry again! -Bee

"... because how long did I look at you like a goddess?"

Waiting for the beat to drop. Drop. Feel it crawl up my spine. Studder step. Bop Bop Bop. Shoulder roll. Vibrations out my fingertips. My eyes closed. Head bob. Left right. Right left. Spin. Twirl. Trip. Slip. Grip. Grab. Pull. Hold. Slide. Bottom lip, teeth, bite. Shake. Shake. SHAKE. Stop. Wait for the beat to drop. SHAKE. Shake. Shake. Bite, teeth, bottom lip. Slide. Hold. Pull. Grab. Grip. Slip. Trip. Twirl. Spin. Right left. Left right. Head bob. My eyes open. Vibrations out my fingertips. Shoulder roll. Bop Bop Bop. Studder step. Feel it crawl down my spin. Drop. Drop. Drop.

"Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies." ~Aristotle ♥

I wished I lived in Aristotle's time. They don't make thinkers like him anymore. Hahah I'm going to name my first son after him. ;)

Abracadabra, Wow!

I like boys with heart and girls who think.
I like the sound of the tv on mute.
I like dancing when no one is watching.
I like when people touch my cold face with warm hands.
I like writing letters.
I like falling asleep in someone's arms.

I like waffle sandwiches.
I like Aristotle.
I like crying hard after months of holding it back.
I like laying in the grass on a warm day.
I like watching Jersey Shore with Heathy.
I like my fotografs.
I love driving with the top down and the music loud.
Today I tried to do a lot of things and failed miserably
In some ways, I love everything.
Its less, its less of a thing to like, its less distinct, its less particular
I like things that I like but I love everything
There’s more choice in like
Because even the worst things have things you love in them
I don’t know what you mean about things I hate
I hate that everyone is somewhere else.
I hate unrequited love.
I hate that I'm not correct as often as I think I am.
I hate discussions about the economy and world issues.
I hate that there aren't enough hours in the day to do everything I want. Especially when the only thing I want to do for the first six hours of the day is nothing at all.
I hate that I can't invent a relationship.
I hate missing people, but in a way, what else would I do everyday?

I hate when it looks like it is going to rain and there is all that moisture in the air that makes my hair go poofy, but I can't use an umbrella to protect my hair because it's not quite raining and what kind of idiot walks around with an umbrella when it's not even raining.

I hate when I want to talk to someone, just to tell them about this incredible thing, and I can't. Maybe because they've moved on and forgotten about me, or hate me now, or they no longer take breaths on this earth. Either way I can't talk to them and I really really hate that.
I hate this, wow. . .Sorry.

Take your time,
Think a lot,
Think of everything you've got.
For you may still be
Here tomorrow,
But your dreams may not.
-Cat Stevens

There's a little something I like about everyone. The list is longer for some, but everyone I know at least has one thing I quietly adore about them. I was thinking about this today when I was looking in the mirror, strangely enough. Noticing all my blemishes and the irritated ring around my freshly pierced lip, the greasy spot on my forehead and the shaggy look my bangs took to after being beaten by the unforgiven wind. Then I stepped back and smiled a little as I tousled my bangs around as if it wouldn't only make things worse, thinking to myself..."Hey you're ok. You're doing just fine." And that's where I came up with this idea. I love that... Mego always has my back, she's always two steps ahead of me and always there to tell me what I don't wanna hear. I love how... Heathy is so resilient. She can pick herself up and out of any bad situation and more times than not she picks me up too. I love that Fabey and I can be anywhere doing anything and it's all fine. I can snort, barf , burp, or cry in front of him and he'll never freak. I love that Ky never gives up trying. He can be handed the worst cards and still he'll take them and do something great with them. I love that Ashy knows exactly who I am. She can show up after months of not talking and quickly put all the puzzle pieces together and head straight in for damage control with a heart-felt motivational speech, reminding me just how great I am and why I must keep pushing forward. I love that Toph eats off my plate at dinner. I love that Brana gets that pretty colors, sweets, sparkles and other cutesey stuff are all very important parts of life for freebirds like us. I love that Jake {Bunny} can go days without speaking because he's just that content. I love that LeahLeah owns her promiscuous reputation like it's nobody's fucking business who she bones. Because really it isn't. I love that RissaLou is so small yet so mighty. I love that Baby Louis will never give up on finding love. I love that Hollis rocks her sexy curls and isn't afraid to let loose in front of anyone. I love that LisaBelle is just like me when it comes to matters of the heart. We both know that you don't get to choose who you love. And for the sake of honesty... I love that Ali could always make my smile with his goofy black-man voice. And I also love that Jacob taught me so many things about life that I probably would have never learned otherwise. That being said... I'm pretty sure I will always feel this way about these things and these people regardless of whether they're in my life or not and for that I can surely be glad. Because at least I've got that.