The very best part of living for me is knowing someone who can tell me, accurately, not just who I am -but who I am working hard at being... the person I strive to embody but fail consistently. It's when I carry on a charming, casual, conversation filled with wit and sass and of course a light-hearted argumentative tone to over-see the whole thing, and then get knocked down, hard, on my ass with the realization that someone has actually been listening to me this whole time. All too often it's not the case and I should tell you that these lovely occurrences are quite rare, to say the least, but in all honesty they mean everything to me. Thank you immensely, from the bottom of my tattered and prideful heart, for being one of these people... for taking the time to listen and comprehend and even try to unravel it all. Because God knows I have no clue what my intentions are half the time. Thank you for not giving up. Thank you for attempting to tear down my well-structured walls that I've built over the years to keep people out, to keep from becoming more broken. I'm sorry for the walls. I'm sorry for the fights. I'm sorry I pretend like it doesn't hurt. It's a lot to take in you know, all this life stuff. It's a lot to decode and understand. But I think I'm finally recognizing that I am broken, but I am still beautiful and loved. And I've been talking a lot about owning my flaws for months, but now I'm actually learning what it takes to really make it happen. I'm also giving myself a break for all the mistakes I've made and you and I both know there have been plenty. I think we all deserve a second or third or fourth chance, because one day all our chances will run out and when they do... what will we have left to show for it all. All I want is to know in the end that I have loved and been loved as much as humanly possible. That I never let fear drag me down a path I may have not taken by my own will. So again... thank you! Thank you for loving me and for trying even when I make it almost entirely impossible. Thank you for being my friend, in the all to complicated meaning I have invented.

A sweet note I recieved today that I never want to lose:
"B I just wanted to remind you that I am proud of you. I think you are doing great things in your life and I'm not sure people stop to tell you enough. Everyone is always worrying about their own lives and talking to you about there problems when you have had to learned to over come some of yours all on your own while managing to hold your hands out steady for others. You have a heart as big as Alaska, and I say Alaska because with every Ice berg in the sea Alaska just looks and grows bigger in size. Which is exactly the way you are. You have learned to love your self as well as everyone around you and for that your heart gets bigger and bigger each day. You say your lost sometimes, but if I remember correctly it was you who taught me that we are never truly lost but unable to define who we really are. We can be who ever we want to be, and maybe that definition changes each day. So who cares :)... We define our selves !! So loving ourselves, Laughing at the good and the bad , and looking for new directions is where were so post to be. I'm right there with you. I know we haven't been in the best place this past year but you know what we have never been completely lost. although we are in different places, have busier lives and may not have as much time for each other, Our pieces to our puzzle still fit and for that when we said we will always be friends Foreever. I feel like it can never dissipate, what we have is different, odd , and has its ups and downs but there is never a day when I want to loose you completely. Your my best friend forever, you are aspiring, a butterfly who can never be held in one spot, your a dreamer who's going to live all her dreams, your the sugar that each person needs in their daily diet, deep down your a fighter through the good and the bad (And fighting only makes us stronger), your a a goober and you are the author of your novel, who has already written so many excellent chapters . You need to be reminded of these things because B you are the Shit , and you should never think differently !! ♥"

Ever since my niece was born I have dedicated very little time to this magical place I used to adore very muchly. A blog which once served as a place for me to be myself and to vent about the beauty and the tragedy that is life, has sadly been neglected. I'm taking it back now though. I'm looking forward to the long dramatic schpeels about all my whiny thoughts on love and wanting and other philosophical nonsense. The process of reinvention has begun, I feel like I'm finally opening a window for fresh air.

On a side note: I need to make a written commitment to myself to quit while I am ahead. If you know it's wrong, don't do it.

TO DO!
1.)Get lens fixed again and get busy on the photography. (Stop saying and just do it!)
2.)Get more involved with the stuff that makes you happy. And start finishing you're projects!
3.)Work on the cupcakes! Create a recipe!
4.)Go up Mt. Rubidoux in the dark and watch the lights for a while.
5.)Ace Bio 1!
6.)Stop caring what others think of you and avoid situations where you're instincts scream run away! Quickly!
7.)Start fishing in a new pond.
8.)Forgive and move on.

Make a Change.

"And I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered."

Crap.

"It's a sadness that only comes from knowing you lost someone great."

"I looked at the sky just to see what it felt like. I pretended I was pausing before telling him about the secret feeling of joy I hide in my chest, waiting, waiting, waiting for someone to notice that I rise each morning, seemingly with nothing to live for, but I do rise, and it is only because of this secret joy, God's love, in my chest. I looked down from the sky and into his eyes and I said, 'It wasn't your fault'... I moved his hair out of his face. I put my hand under his nose and felt gentle, even breaths. I pressed my lips to his ear and whispered again, 'It's not your fault'. Perhaps this was really the only thing I had ever wanted to say to anyone, and be told."

-Miranda July

Because I love myself that much!

I don't feel you anymore. There were days when all I'd do is dream about speaking to you again and sharing my newest favorite song with you. Knowing that only you would understand. But then today I realized how long it has been, with the third anniversary of your death just around the bend, I haven't spoke to you in what seems like ages and very well could be. Tonight we'll talk though or maybe I'll talk and you'll just listen like we used to. Then in my imagination you'll smile and there will be a heavy silence that fills my lungs. And I'll wake up tomorrow and listen to the noiseless morning and wait to here what will never come. I shouldn't have let him take you so soon.

Maybe I might make it.

"Yeah... I'm shakin'."

You have finally convinced me of the fact that you are the piece of shit I always knew you were, but never wanted to believe.

I hope you know that I loved you fiercely and sweetly and it has taken every fiber of my being to let you go...
but I did.

I will not be afraid.
I will not be afraid.
I will not be afraid.
I will not be afraid.
I will not be afraid.
I. Will. Not. Be Afraid.

"The human heart has hidden treasures, in secret kept, in silence sealed. The thoughts, the hopes, the dreams, the pleasures, whose charms were broken if revealed."

You were just plain awful! With the exception of the birth of my niece, I think that was pretty amazing!

May this year be everything last year wasn't.