It's Gravity.

"You get back here. You do it slowly. Do it calm, now don't be so angry. I got something I've been chasing, every day since I started walking. It just sits there in the distance. It always flirts with the tips of my fingers. You thought that you could love it, until it touched you and now you just wanna stop it. Well I'm sorry. It's not likely. It was here when you got here. And it'll be here when you're not here no more. And then some days, I get lucky. I can focus and things are less shaky. And I scrape you off the pale moon and I slip you into soft shoes. And you tapdance to a jazz band, on a cruise ship, near an island. And your hair's up. You wear a short dress and a wide smile, your movements are careless. It's a daydream I keep having, to make the clocks move while I'm working or a bad joke I can't sit through and I smile because I feel like I have to. But if you'd look under the table you'd see I'm playing with my knife. I'm slicing stripes into my kneecaps and I'm struggling just to come off polite.
We could be a snapshot framed and hung like a portrait. What if that's true and I'm the only one who knows it?"

One Hundred & Twenty Two Days!
Days that I have dedicated to you.And now One Hundred & Twenty Two more...
Dedicated, solely to me.

"Don't you see it's wrong?
Can't you get it right?
Out of mind and out of sight!"

And somehow it still stings... just a little bit.

Remember Bird the Freebird?
Well, she's on her way back!
I will no longer give away my power.
"See it feels bad now but it's gunna get better."

I've been over taken with a terrible case of the hiccups. Terribley terrible. But I am finding that it's quite miraculous how well not running away works out somehow. I have taken messy in the brain to a new level and strangely enough, I made a little sense of it all. Not all of it though, unfortunately. A random man walked by me today and noticed my heavy head and uncontrollabley frowning mouth and you know what he said to me? "Smile! It's a beautiful day!" Literally! Word for word. It was like something you see in a movie, not something that actually happens to you in real life. And the second that those words leaked from his lips I thought, "What in the world possessed that man to say those words to me on this day of all days? When I'm at my worst? When I'm feeling broken and nothing has gone my way? What told him that those words were exactly what I needed?" I'll never really know, but the important thing is that he did. And those words shifted the rest of my day. I don't have it all figured out. I know too little, but really, what is enough? It's about being open to people and new things, about forgetting about the boundaries that have held you back. It's in the way that you carry yourself. It's in the way that you love yourself and everyone around you. It's faith. And my hiccups have gone away.

We might be giants!
We might be flees.
We might be the very thing
That will bring you to your knees.
Breathe.
Breathe.
And let the rest of it go.

Just a little farther...
Cuz I'm ready and willing and waiting!

We all want to be these shiny happy people. No flaws. Living the lives we were meant to live. We want to be satisfied and well prepared for everything headed our way. We want perfection and fairy tale endings. We want it all. Then one day you wake up and you realize that it doesn't last. That you get it and it's gone before you open your eyes again from that one single blink. You start to second guess your thoughts, your emotions, your every fluttery feeling. It was there, wasn't it? You couldn't have imagined all of that, right? And in that second guess you find all the reasons to believe it wasn't real. That your shiny happiness was nothing more than a euphoric blur. But in truth, there is a cycle to this madness. It's a roller coaster motion and we keep riding
because
it never fails to be worth the rush.

"And I'm not sure what the trouble was that started all of this. The reasons all have run away, but the feeling never did. It's not something I would recommend, but it is one way to live. Cause what is simple in the moonlight by the morning never is."

"Yeah when you realize it's a pattern
And not a phase.
It's what you've become
And it's what you will stay.
That's ballgame."

Hmmmm... I don't think this will be ending very well. I really want to cut my ties now. I read it. And it's blatantly obvious that I am very similar to her. I HATE THAT! I never want to be compared to another HER again. And there are secrets and mistrusts and the bird is being driven insane. I've got to stop it. I've got to run. It's getting repetitive and I don't do repetitive. I want out. No I want you to give me a reason to not want out. Because really. I just want you. It's not fair and I can't make you and this situation out to be what I want it to be. So I'll settle.

"The longer that I'm out here the better you sound

You're scrunching up your face in this picture I found and
I'm chasing after you, steadily losing ground
I don't wanna forget so I'm writing it down
Have you ever? No, never never?
I find that hard to believe
Now let's burn the furniture
To see how angry a fire can make me
And you say that there's someone that you need to reconnect with
Some scarecrow from high school that you loved but never slept with
A baby with a pipe dream playing hopscotch on your bandages
And I'm singing all his songs while I sleep on your couch
I'm coughing up a lung but I'm covering my mouth and
I paint you on the wall
Yellow, red, green and brown
I miss you all the time but I'm blocking it out
Are you better? No, never never?
What does that say about me?
Now let's break the smoke alarm
To see how scared locked windows will make me
So you say there's a stranger staring sideways in a deep freeze
A loner draped in ivy playing slumlord in his city dream
A faker with an art form pulling magic tricks on the weak girls up his sleeve
And I'm choking right along with the words in my throat
I'm falling back in love with the letter you wrote and
I think that I was wrong, but I guess I don't know
I figure that I'll wait until you tell me so
The longer that I'm out here the better you sound
You're scrunching up your face in this picture I found and
I'm chasing after you steadily losing ground
I miss you all the time but I'm blocking it out."

I have once again gone and made a mess of my life and tangled myself up in this interwoven mess of messiness. At times I wish and feel it would be much more easy to return to my state of little girlness and let my mother's hand guide me in the right direction. But in reality this is what I've been fighting all along. The fight to let go of her hand and be on my own.

I had a eureka moment today. Nothing major. I mean the whole world does not suddenly make sense, but something did become apparent to me. I spend an abundant amount of time worrying and planning and procrastination and holding myself to these standards that I cannot live up to. "Don't give in to what you want, it'll only lead to self destruction." "Don't say yes, they'll think less of you." "Don't let yourself be vulnerable, they'll walk all over you." I want to be vulnerable. I want to say yes. I want to go after what I want, even if I fail. Even if everything goes terribly wrong. It's what I wanted, once upon a time, and that has got to count for something. Yes, I'm afraid. But it's human to be afraid. I am a bird and I am soaring.

I'm going to kiss you. And you're going to taste of ashes and tar lungs. But it'll be okay, because I like you that much.

"Cowards die many times before their deaths;
The valiant never taste of death but once.
Of all the wonders that I yet have heard,
It seems to me most strange that men should fear;
Seeing that death, a necessary end,
Will come when it will come."

It feels sort of like you're lying.It's obvious I'm broken. But I don't need anyone to fix me.
I can take care of myself and that's exactly what I'll do.

This is how my world looks on the inside.

"Wind me up. Put me down. Stop me up and watch me go."I'm feeling different today. It's messy. I'm messy. My head is not on straight. My ears must be upside down. I don't know what I was thinking. It's a lot. I can't catch my breathe. And I don't know what to say or whether it is good or bad. I don't want to say anything. I want to wait it out. I don't know what I am doing. It's like I was a puzzle. Or I am a puzzle. And a piece had been missing. Not the last piece, but at least a significant piece that gave way to a bigger picture. So the piece was missing, then you came around. And it was no longer lost. I was one step closer. Certain things were beginning to make sense. Then you left. Or I left. Or we both left. But at some point that piece became missing once more. And now my balance is off. I've got a miss-y feeling for you. So please please please, let Friday come sooner and let me get to know that missing piece a little more.

It's not like the rest of the story, though it is a continuation. It's not the end of a chapter, but the beginning of one. It's not found, but it's not lost. It's not clean, but it's not tainted. It's not simple. It's not easy. It's not ideal, but it's exactly where I want to be. I know I can have anything I want. I know I can make it all happen, you remind me of this everyday. I'm inspired. I'm excited. I'm singing. I'm happy. I'm scared. But I'm willing to leap. This is everything I've been talking about, everything I've been wishing for. Just to know you is enough. I am a freebird, now and forevermore, but I'd love it most if we could soar together.

I'm a messy in the brain kind of girl. Do you know how much messier you're making it?

"Who lost who? Did I lose you? Did you lose me?... Well I gave it a lot of thought and I came to this conclusion. I didn't lose you and you didn't lose me. Not at all. Because on that horrible dark day.
We lost eachother."

7 1/2 More Days!

~Mego~ ~Brini~ ~Ashy~

hahahah!

I opened my eyes this morning only to be overcome by the overwhelming realization of the fact that I am immature, uneducated and insanely naive. I'm about ten steps behind you and I am now constantly being reminded of this.

Fifteen to go!

Every part of me feels brand new. I feel like I've been turned inside out in the most perfect way and this rapidly approaching future is everything. I have everything I need and it warms my insides every day to wake up and be reminded again of what great friends I'm blessed to have. There's a little tug on my heart strings when you tell me that I'm the only one you want to kiss. That changes things. I feel like it's real now and I can stop being afraid. I'm so glad that you understand the obvious facts that we bump into on occasion but I wanted to let you know... for me, from this moment, it's only you. I don't need another set of lips. Even if your set is a thousand miles away.Sixteen more days!

It has been four months. Four amazing months that did not include you. I look back now and see one thing very clearly, I was very much like an addict when it came to those three letters of your name. I am happy now and yet you somehow found a way to place those three letters back in my head. I don't need you anymore! I want him now. And I'm ecstatic to say that he is everything that you never could have been. You are the drug, not the cure!

"Finding a good person and adjusting your life to theirs and them doing the same for you, that's being in a psychologically healthy relationship."

You're so calm and I'm so strange. You comprehend it all. And with you, I'm never reaching for the words, instead they come marching out of me like a welcome home parade. You're terribly wise and I'm simply mediocre. I think, while you create. You've got me inspired and I've got you wanting to kiss things. The unwritten secret is... I like you, and I'm extremely terrified that I might ruin it.

Tough waking up this morning. The whole night long my dreams lead me to you. Which obviously makes them greater than the reality where you're so far away.

"I wish you here."

I like you this much and it's really okay.But the best part is, there's nothing messy about it.

I promise I will ALWAYS tell you the truth... why can't everyone else just do the same?

So the thing is... I've never needed anyone. Anything one person couldn't give me, never failed to surprise me. Remember that. You can leave me disappointed over and over but one of these times you're gunna realize that I'm not gunna be waiting around for you to do it again. I'll move on. Someone else can just as easily fill your shoes.

"Well I watched your black tied family Rise up from graves near cemeteries That I have not been to since your goodbye And I drank another simile And compared your Jesus to a thief He took my bones and turned them into bread. Cause I can feel your pain, in my bones, in my bones. I was scared to call your mother For news that you weren't getting better Well my God, what the hell am I supposed to do? And I ran off and ran on to something That I swore was everything but beautiful I only say that word for you Cause I can feel your pain, in my bones, in my bones. And I can feel your pain, deep in my bones, deep in my bones. And hallelujah to the one in our bones And hallelujah to the one that we love"

I was driving down the road today, the windows down and my curls blowing around like legs on an octopus, when I started to remember something. Me. That girl in her truest form. I smiled and laughed at my reflection in the rear view mirror and the song on the stereo. Put my fingers to the nozzle and cranked up the noise as I sang the whole way to work. Its so good here. Even the things I should be worried about don't seem to bother me. I take what I am given and get what I want. What use is a day filled with resentment. So yes I've been shaken and yes my mind has wandered but no, you've yet to see me at my worst. Take it off, suck it up, and throw it down, there's not enough time for us to be wasting it like this.

The second you give up what makes you happy in order to please someone else is the day you lose a piece of yourself, regardless of whether its for love or not. Because if you really loved them, it would make you happy too. And if they really loved you, they'd never ask you to do it.

With every fiber of my being I wish I could do just one thing.Forget you.

It's not about losing love. Love can never be lost. It's about losing people. Losing people to change, to death, to other people. But it's never been about losing love.

I don't know much about patience or doing the right thing when the wrong thing feels so right. I don't know how to keep my mouth shut about something I feel so intensely about. I don't know how to be the perfect girl or how to make a good first impression. I don't know how not to think naughty thoughts and I don't know how to slow down. I don't know how to grow or to disconnect from those I once loved. Once loved always loved. There's a part of me that went with you when you left. And parts of you I take with me on my journeys to come. You made me stronger and I am blessed to have known you. I will change, inside and outside. Yet some bits of me will always be the same. But I can't ever apologize for wanting. Wanting more, wanting less, wanting to run, wanting to un-run, wanting things to be the same or different, wanting to un-change it all and go back to the start. Eternally an optimist. Eternally hopeful. Eternally yours, but only certain versions of you. Tell me how to un-want and I'll do it. Tell me how to bring you back. You make me stronger and remind me everyday, how to forgive. Forgiveness is key.

I can feel it in my throat. Why did you have to go and leave me? I'll lay upside down in the dark and ponder this. Hold Me. Hold Me. Hold Me! Cuz I am finally seeing. I was the one worth leaving.

I'm sick about it. No, you don't know me."There's more than blood that beats through my heart."

Sometimes, when it's not too cold, I like to sit in my room, in the dark, alone, with a blanket and my thoughts. Tonight, this was the case. I sat there and let my mind wonder. I thought about the many people that have been betrayed in their lives. Which is most of all of us, I'm sure, but I began to compare. Which kind of betrayal is worse? For me the majority of my relationships have been on the surface. Few people have gotten down to my core and that may be surprising for some but it doesn't make it any less true. I protect myself. And although my heart may be on my sleeve, my truths and secrets I keep in a more safe place. I only give so much at one time. This I have found to be a favored defense mechanism. I keep you only so close. Because the few that have breached this wall that I've built, never failed to destroy my little safe place. Then again I'm quite positive that I have done my fair share of betrayal. I have even successfully betrayed myself, which is easier than you may think. So my question is this... is it worse to be betrayed by those you trust in a deep and profound way or to be betrayed by your very own thoughts and weaknesses?