Her: "It gets repeated over and over because you never finished it."
Him: "You don't want it finished. You want us to fall back in love and live happily ever after."
Her: "It doesn't work like that."
Him: "You mean we don't live in a fairytale?"
Her: "No, we were never really in love in the first place."

On second thought... I'll take the fairytale.

"See, alone we stand,
together we fall apart.
Yeah, I think I'll be alright"

I'm not going to give it power. I'm not going to make it count for anything, because it doesn't. Its just loneliness. It's just a little empty whole we could only fill if we were brave enough to listen to our hearts and not our heads. But in the game of life, which one is right? I'm going to be your friend no expectations. Live it right. Put God first. Be brave enough and bold enough to trust that.

"If I read our story backwards, it's about how I unbroke your heart and then we were happy until one day... one day when you forgot about me forever."

#greeneyes #photography #deaddaddycrew #smileslikecandy #childofGod #myila #homeyesiamhome

"Do you remember that day you fell outta my window?
      I sure do ‒ you came jumping right out after me.
 Well, you fell on the concrete, nearly broke you ass, you were bleeding all over the place, I rushed you out to the hospital, you remember that?
     Yes, I do.
Well there's something I never told you about that night
     What didn't you tell me?
Well, while you were sitting in the back seat smoking a cigarette you thought was gonna be your last, I was falling deep, deeply in love with you, and I never told you till just now!
Home, let me come home, home is wherever I'm with you"

Get a grip Jones. Stupid Coincidences.

I don't want to come second anymore when you've always been first for me. My happiness will not depend on others anymore. " I regret not making you mine." So many things that should never have been said and so many more things that should have been said but never were. Sometimes it means everything with you say nothing.

 Goodnight and Goodbye.

I hold it all in. Don't say too much. Don't wait too long. Don't do it if you don't want to. I put my head on my knees and think about the last 24 hours. It felt like I was 18 again. Wishing so muchly that you'd just put your  hand to my hair or that you wouldn't look away. I stayed on my side of the car. I kept my hands to myself. Pop Pop Pop Pop. Then I tried to pry the gum from your mouth. I had forgotten what it was like to play. The tightening of my chest when your fingers barely touch my arm. It was comfortable. The silence was comfortable and the hours passed too quickly. I wanted to be the one to say when it was time to go. I wanted the upper hand. "Say when." We both know I would have never said 'when'. I felt like myself. Or my old self. I don't know which self I really am anymore. When I'm with him I'm Brittaney and when I'm with you I'm Britone. When it's just me... I'm Bird. [Then what about Bessy, Brit, Jonesy, Breen & Bee?] I am them all and I don't want to choose one. I can't choose one. I took it out of my hands. I shouldn't be the one saying so much. I shouldn't be so up front about what I'm feeling if the reciprocation is quite scarce at the least. I just want my friend. I just want to make it ok to have fun with my friend, without any thirst for more. I have my man. He loves me hard and openly. It's safe there but I miss the fire. I think when it comes to things like this, where you look at it and just see two choices. There is usually a third choice hiding somewhere. And that choice is neither. Drop it all and give me my God. I feel like only when I start to put my God first and living a life I can be proud of is when I will truly be fulfilled. And although I already know this to be true I know its still going to take some time to get there. I want you to walk with me. 

From the Free Bird... 3 years ago.

"If I could paint a picture of who I want to be in 10 years, I wonder what it would look like. In my mind this image slowly comes into frame. My hair messy. A studio apartment unorganized yet full of character and art. Lots of art. And color. Dogs at my side in the kitchen. And clothes everywhere. Sketches and notes too. Reminders all over the fridge with pictures of my fantastic friends. My friends and their growing families and their smiles and our memories. My work bench will be covered in my latest project, the same goes for my kitchen table, which I'd never eat at because I'd much prefer the couch or the floor. The place may be a mess but nothing will ever be lost and the dishes will always be done. The largest wall in the apartment would be consumed of filled book shelves. And in my spare time, I'd read, everything. I'd be educated. And completely obsessed and absorbed with nothing at all. I'd be successful. With successfully having written and published a magical work of almost fiction and several books of inspirational thoughts and quotes. I'd be designing. Magazines, rooms, homes, lives. I'd be independent and in love with my independence. But real love would be just around the corner, just waiting to creep up on me. But this time he'd be a keeper and a new painting would begin to take shape."

But humans are so complex. We're not static beings. We have infinitely many parts that make up our whole and all too often we try to simplify what is unsimplifyable. I am unsimplifyable and so were you but I still tried my hardest to make you simple.

"Wanted a longer hug. Wanted to talk longer."
"Why'd you let me go then?"
"I was afraid you'd feel uncomfortable. Wish you'd held on longer."
"I thought YOU would feel uncomfortable. You should have held on longer."
"Don't let me go next time... Even if I pull away first."

"Ok. I won't "

Day 1

Feeling stronger today. Much stronger. I stopped reading the "Fifty Shades" books. They were undoubtedly rotting my brain. Went for a run this morning with my sis and my stepdad and I pushed hard. Harder than I thought I could and I put this image in my head that made me go farther. Someone else's happiness is what pushed me, but not in a jealousy sort of way. More like if I pushed harder I could make them happier. I dedicated my run today. And tomorrow I will do the same. Starting a new blog. It'll be called "Restart My Heart". The blog will be about this: A happier healthier Birdy Journey. Focusing on getting fit and becoming more of what I want to be. I'm feeling like this blog has been a lot about my weaknesses and I recognize that they are important, but I also do not want to sulk in them anymore. Four years and over 400 post mostly about the weak girl I was with a guy. Or many guys for that matter. Now that makes me sound like a floozy but if you've been listening you know the real story. That's besides the point though. I'm keeping this blog and I'll probably still be posting but I'm really pumped about starting fresh. Thats all for today.

    When I am feeling at my weakest I have made it a habit to pray. I step back and take a look at it all and recognize that I have no control over any of it. It's not in my hands anymore and maybe it never was. 

So long, friend. So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.

Happy Father's Day Daddy. Even with two amazing father figures in my life {My Pawpaw & my new stepdad Stevie} it's still hard to not miss you. Have a great big bowl of ice cream for me up there! 

I love you. 

The mornings are always the hardest. My creative mind at play, when I think of all the should-have & would-haves. Today I'm trying to focus on the now. Right now I need my God. Right now I need my sense of self. Right now I need to grab a hold on something and let all else go. The End.

Cliché but Still True

"He is sensible and so incredible and all my single friends are jealous. He says everything I need to hear and it's like I couldn't ask for anything better. He opens up my door and I get into his car and he says you look beautiful tonight. And I feel perfectly fine, but I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain. It's 2am and I'm cursing your name. You're so in love that you act insane and that's the way I loved you. Breaking down and coming undone. It's a roller coaster kind of rush. And I never knew I could feel that much. And that's the way I loved you. He respects my space and never makes me wait. And he calls exactly when he says he will. He's close to my mother. Talks business with my father. He's charming and endearing And I'm comfortable. But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain It's 2am and I'm cursing your name. You're so in love that you act insane. And that's the way I loved you. Breaking down and coming undone. It's a roller coaster kinda rush. I never knew I could feel that much and that's the way I loved you. He can't see the smile I'm faking and my heart's not breaking. Cause I'm not feeling anything at all and you were wild and crazy. Just so frustrating, intoxicating, complicated, got away by some mistake and now. I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain. It's 2am and I'm cursing your name."

Once upon a time, there was a girl. Now isn't that how all of these stories begin? Her eyes, emerald green with long tangles of auburn waves reaching down the length of her back. Sweetly innocent and charming with her naivety, she spent her days lost in vivid dreams. Longing for a love that she had only read of in her books. Oh the many books. The Happily Ever Afters and The Unrequited Tragedies, these books were her vicariously lived life. She entertained the attempts at romance of a few gentlemen callers, though none left a lasting impression on the young lady. The faults and flaws were recognized early on and the girl gracefully said her goodbyes knowing fully well in her heart that she needed more. She watched them walk away outside her window and found herself distracted by the beauty of the birds in the trees. Wings spread widely and gliding through the wind, without a care in the world, the birds flew, coming and going as they pleased, when they pleased. Over time the girl lost interest in her dreams. She tucked them tightly away and went out in the world to find something else. If the love she longed for wasn't out there, she was going to find a new kind of love. She began a journey to freedom. Like the birds outside her window she wanted to soar. Early in her journey she found a friend, a fellow flyer, looking for the same escape the gem eyed girl had been searching for. They had little to nothing in common, in fact the only thing they could agree on was the brilliance of grape jelly and of course the joy each of them found in the others company. He was tall, strong and guarded, with deep hazel eyes a person could drown in. While she was short, soft and curious. They flew together for years, disagreeing, fighting, making up, coming and going as they pleased when they pleased, but they always found their way back to one another. Learning more and more about the other and themselves upon each rising sun. Each of them found something that they had been missing, inside the other. She showed him the beauty of each day and he taught her how to take risks.Time passed and the two slowly discovered new individual passions that neither could fulfill for the other, so they took flight in opposing directions. As the seasons changed, the girl and her friend both found new mates that respectively brought each of them great joy. Retiring their wings, they decided it was time to settle into a more stable life on solid ground. A life of consistency and compromise, but something was always missing. The fire. The passion. Like magnets there was always a pull, but time got the best of each of them. Time and fear. Sifting through her old belongings, the girl stumbled upon her forgotten dreams. The dreams she had once tucked tightly away. Awakening her dreams, she realized something she didn't know she ever had. Her dreams had come true while she wasn't looking. Everything she longed for, the never-ending kind of tie to someone else that she had read about all those ages ago, she had it all. So she sought him out. Her fellow flyer. Her deep eyed dream. She found him and knew with just one look that she was right. That even though they had not been together, could not be together, they still had each others love. This is not like all the other fairy tales. No, not at all. There isn't a happy ending. No grand gesture to bring them together once and for all. They had lives now. They had people who loved them and who they loved, dearly, right back. It isn't ideal. No, not in the least bit. That wonder for what could have been will never go away. But that's the essence of life and it's beautiful. To know that you have love. Despite everything else. That never ending love... it doesn't go away. 

Closure comes at a price. 

But it was a price I had to pay.

Flipping through the pages. One chapter closes and another begins, knowing very well that everything that has occured up until now in this novel, that is your life, will effect the outcome of your story. Will your ending be happy? Traumatic? Tragic? Will your conclusion leave a question hanging to challenge your readers to change their own lives? For better or for worse? Will you inspire them? Or will you cripple them with fear?

It doesn't matter, just as long as they read.

Parts of me stayed with you. Portions of my whole are hollow and probably always will be, regaurdless of whether I can forgive or not. Nothing can be undone and what you have made me will not likely be unmade.

"The most painful goodbyes are the ones that were never said and never explained."

So today I stumbled upon a cute little blog made by some teenage girls in the midwest and it reminded me a whole lot of my self during the last summer of my high school career. If you have ever met me you know that I am the queen of lists and Summer Lists have always been my favorite. These girls created a blog for their Summer Bucket List, check it out... WhatTheBucketList! It's super cute and I'm so tempted to try a handful of the things on the list. I also want to make my own list... only bummer is I'm technically an adult now and could potentially get arrested for a few of my ideas so we'll see how this goes. I sure do remember the good old days though.





A Repost if You Will

This was me a year ago! "Today my skin itches. I am an independent being. I am fully capable of taking care of myself. I don't need anyone at my bedside when I am ill and I don't need to know that you care with flowers. I am smart. I am sassy. I am strong. Stronger than you may think and I am so unique. You'll never find anyone like me. Never and nowhere. I am all my own. I sleep in my panties because I'm most comforted by 3 heavy blankets on my bed but the addition of sweatpants just makes me sweat. I like to lift my hands during worship in church, mostly when I know the lyrics to the song and I can feel love growing inside my chest. I smile in church too. I promise myself no sweets and I cheat. I dream about cupcakes. I cry because all my favorite people are just too far away from me and there is nothing I can do to change that. I have two boxes of tissues in my room because I found that having two was far less work than one. I dance when my phone rings. I like to feel, and I love people who feel too. I have never found more pleasure in my life than when I look at someone and they just know. They know everything that's wrong or right and they know just what to say or not to say. I am an independent being and I like things my way. But when I love you. When I truly love you, I'll like things your way too. But then how independent does that make me? So I've remained single, mostly because when I love I give away piece of myself and I don't know how to successfully go on being an independent being all while whole-heartedly loving anyone other than myself. This whole damn world is full of vicious circles... you break me, I break you back and it will stay that way until the day when it's not. Until we all figure out that it's not about getting even it's about letting go and loving regardless of the circumstances. Thank you to those who have loved me regardless. It has meant more than everything to me."

And this is still me today... Very few things have changed. I still cry because all my favorite people are too far away and I still give away pieces of my heart. The difference is... someone gave me a piece of his heart this past year. He's my match, my missing part, my everything. He loves me even when I'm most difficult, because he "loves me all the time not just when we're getting along." He knows I "need the most love when I'm pissed at him." And that's how you break the vicious cycle, you find someone who loves you as dearly as you love them. You learn compromise. Give and take. You give it all you have got and you take what you're given. And it fills you because you know the point is not winning. You've already won. The point is that you realize that it's not about what you want but what your relationship needs. My faith has been a large part in getting me here. Its also a big reason why I haven't posted in so long. But there is no reason why I can't have both. I think I'll be needing both. 

I have done a lot of ruining in my day. Not just today but all of my days. I've often let myself get carried away in a thought or feeling rather than a rational idea. This unfiltering of my messy thoughts frequently result in fair consequenses. And I understand this. I know that even a fool who has kept silent will be thought wise. For some uncomprehensible reason though... I cannot for the life of me keep my big mouth shut. I'm working on it... trying to be more aware of myself and the light or lack of light that I will be seen in by others and its proving to be slightly more difficult than I thought. I wasn't always this way though. As a young lady I was very reserved. Sweet and polite. Couldn't curse a fly. But there was a point along the way that a monster was made and these days thats all anyone ever gets to see. Of course I have good intentions, I mean no harm to others I just can't manage to turn my filter on. It causes problems for me everywhere I go, work, home, with friends and the boyf. The conclusion of come to is that I need to be more grace-filled. To have more love in my heart and in my behaviors. So that is just what I intend to do.

On a side note. It feels good to be back here. Talking about the things floating in my head. Trev was getting tired of hearing about my quests and I've alienated most everyone else with the above mentioned unfiltered messiness. So maybe this will help. Talking to another version of myself. To you... whoever is listening. I'm very excited. Not for anything specific but just simply excited.

This

"So this is my life.

And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad.

And I'm still trying to figure out how that could be."

Fresh Start

The amount of time that has pasted and the alarming speed it went at, is heart breaking. There is so much that we've missed together, but as you know very well.... life does not stop and wait for any of us. Dreams came true, of course not in the ways that we imagined them to. Hearts were changed, for the better but also for the worst. But happily I say, I am still your free bird. As I float through the ideas of where I want to go, what I want to do, and who I want to do it all with I am faced with some overwhelming thoughts to do with how lost I am and have been. Then I take a breath and realize this is where I have always been. There is this little thing that has a strange way of sneaking up on me. Sticking like gum to my shoe. It is there even when I'm not aware and each step I take, there is a bit that goes with me to the next step and the many that follow. I don't know what to call it though... it's all the things that make up who you are... your dreams, your fears, the scars from your past and the hidden desires that we are ashamed to admit. It's me. It's you. It's who you were yesterday and who you will be a decade from now. This part does not go away. In me... my part is this... being lost... looking for more... how to be better... how to be stronger... how to help... how to not try to help. There is more but its not relevant. However what I am saying is... I don't want to be afraid of this anymore. This place I speak of. I've tried over and over to turn it off. Telling myself that its ugly, that it can be fixed, that I'd be better off without it... but I wouldn't. I would be someone else... or no one. Without it what would make me unique? What would make me whole or complete? So I'm telling you this is mine. My place. My sticking gum on my shoe. I'm back. And I'm here to stay. Life is not a race... it's a journey!

I want to turn my blog into a novel. Or possibly an autobiography, but then really... who would read such a thing? I just enjoy, so much, sitting here and reading back to the start of the year. I was someone else entirely then and when I read these posts that are so profound I can't help but feel as though I am kindling something deep inside my core. I would love more than anything else to give that feeling to someone else. A gift that cannot be wrapped or taken back. What a concept, huh?

I am an active adult now. Being twenty-one makes you active, not paying your own bills or working two jobs while you try to balance school, family and a boyfriend (unfortunately maintaining a social life with your friends may be too much to ask for though.) But I'm finding more and more every day that I am not so concerned with the way others see me anymore. You don't stress the little things and you accept that the people and the things in your life that are gone, are never coming back. And you learn to grieve them properly as oppose to when you were young. When you thought that anything was possible and fairy tales do come true. They don't. You make things happen, there is no magical mystery to it. The concept of change bares a new meaning to us all as adults. We know that most things are impermanent and everything takes work. Hard work and usually it is not worth it. However, on the rare occasions when you look at your man and he sees you, I mean really sees you and knows just what you are feeling because he is feeling the very same thing... that's when it pays off. Every time you bit your tongue or kissed him when all you wanted to do was punch him. Or the times when you put his needs first and let go of your previous plans or expectations. Really that's what growing up is all about. Having grit. Persistence. Pushing through the shit to get to the happy ending. Giving everything you've got when you feel like you just can't take one more step. It's a different kind of fulfillment you feel on these occasions. Satisfaction. I'm not thirsty anymore. No, nothing is perfect, there are flaws and cracks in my life still but they are part of the beauty. I appreciate these imperfections, they remind me of how blessed I have been to have all that I have.

"What would you do today if you knew you wouldn't fail?"
"Now go out and do it."

"We are determined to be starved before we are hungry."

-Thoreau

"Your Ex-Lover Is Dead" by Stars

God that was strange to see you again
Introduced by a friend of a friend
Smiled and said 'yes I think we've met before'
In that instant it started to pour,
Captured a taxi despite all the rain
We drove in silence across Pont Champlain
And all of the time you thought I was sad
I was trying to remember your name...
This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin
Tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in
Now you're outside me
You see all the beauty
Repent all your sin
It's nothing but time and a face that you lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
I'll write you a postcard I'll send you the news
From a house down the road from real love...
Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...
There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save...
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save.

Working for what?

I want to remind you. Yes you. That you are enough. You've done nothing to feel shame for. It kills me every day when you fail to give yourself the credit you deserve. So much so that I know when I speak to you, I know that you are not you. Not right now. You have been taken apart, but you've yet to be reassembled. You can't see it now, it'll probably take you months to actually realize that it's not up to them to put you back together. Even if you got it all back. (Everything you have misplaced.) You still would not be whole. It's not the stuff that completes you. It's you. And NO ONE ELSE! Put yourself back together. Let go of everything that holds you captive in this crippling funk that you've found yourself. But be aware... you have love. When I stood where you are now standing, it was your love and faith in me that gave me strength. Consistency in the chaos, that is what you were for me. So I'll stand here. As still as you need. I'll listen and I'll try to say only what you need to hear. And even if you can't hear what I am saying, please listen to your own heart. She knows whats best and I know she's hurting the most. When all else fails... take a trip... escape... and take yourself to places that you have never been.

Elusive: Cleverly or skillfully evasive.

I feel like I'm bursting at the seams.
We're all alright.
All of us.

Wanderlust

Wanderlust: A very strong longing for or impulse toward traveling.This is where I'm at. Australia. Colorado. New Zealand. I want to go and be the very best version of me but you know at the same time... I really like who I'm with right now. And it's my own inner struggle because I can't be both a world lover and a lover lover. For now I have chosen lover lover but my dreams never die.

My attendance here is long over-due. And there are many things I'd like to say. Many promises I'd like to make. And most of all there are tons of things I'd love to change. To change in and for myself but tonight the thing that weighs most heavy in my thoughts are all the things I'm wishing I could change for my closest friends. For them to endure less of the struggles that they are facing. I wish I knew how to be a better friend to them, to hold them like I pray for. It's nearly impossible though, because I do not have the power to heal the hurt and also because there is this nasty little thing called distance between us. But ladies know that I think of you often and I pray for you often. Meg, just keep breathing you are an amazing woman, don't let this hurt seal you up again. I adore. And I mean I ADORE your goal lists! Keep dreaming big babe, it's going to pay off. Brana, you made the right choice, you were courageous and trusting. Let yourself be open to all of the blessings you've been handed. Some people never get the chance to experience everything you've been blessed enough to experience. Ash, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I can't be there for you. I'm sorry I can't be what you need for me to be for you. I'm sorry I'm such a pain in the ass. I am happy for you. I'm happy but I'm scared. And you're the only one who knows how to knock me out of this funk, I myself don't even know the trick. Maybe if things were different. Maybe if Michelle and I still spoke. Maybe if you had included me. I don't know but it still feels weird. I love you. All three of you. I love you more than you know and each of you have been the best friends I've ever known because you took the time to understand the mess that I am. And you did it well. Very well. Blessed am I for knowing you.
I hope everything heals......As quickly as possible.

It's not me anymore. She's not radiant. She's not sparkley, magical or sweet. She's cold and distant and self absorbed. There's no resemblance. There's no familiarity. A drink in her hand and a grimace made of her face. It's a constant fight.
He's not mine. Like puppets our limbs dance at the orders of a string. It's fine when we're together. Fine. We use that word a lot. But apart there isn't trust. Just the undeniable urge to run. It's only a test though, but you won't see it that way. You'll turn and go just as I said so.

Lost again. It's not like it was with you. Not like what I know and I can't figure out if that's good or bad. Independence is bliss and I don't need him at all. Freebird. Freebird. Freebird. Let me rediscover her. Reinvent her. Redirect her.New house. New Man. New mindset?

FTale!

You have my heart in your hands.
And I know it's safe there.

Running late for work but I needed to post.
I feel like I'm home with you.

Put it all out there. Be open. Work hard. Love hard. Let the shit go. Keep the good like memories in a box.

Yes Summer has begun and I'm happy to say that I've done a lot already. I've had adventures with my edc friends in walmart. And also late night mostly naked swims with my Hollis. A trip to Long Beach for time with my Bessy (And a Pizooki for two!) and also an amazing afternoon with my favorite aunt-of-an-ex-boyfriend at Bruxie. Which you know included a bacon egg and cheddar Bruxie with waffle fries and a fresh strawburry shake! Ahhh! I love my life. I'm gunna try to journal this summer. And I'm also going to be decorating my new room at my new house, very excited for that! I finally feel like I've let go of all the bad shit in my life, including but not limited to the broken boys I've spent far too much time trying to fix. (Ali, David, Jacob, and you can add Trevers to that list.) I'm so glad I called my own bluff on that one. Anywhoo... from previous posts you can see that I have a lot of plans for this summer and I'm seriously anxious to get started on it all and even to add more things to my list. I'm feeling happy. Even though everything isn't perfect, I'm still feeling ok.
Thanks to the big man and also to the good friends.Bonfire on Friday!
I got a pocket full of sunshine!

"You think for the best. You will always be hopeful but you want the best of people. Only if you could make a recipe and cook it up for the perfect being. Only thing you can hope for is compromise and change... living is learning and loving is passion."
You knew me so well.

The official start to my Summer 2011 begins first thing Thursday morning, as I am to finish my final exams tomorrow afternoon. So I thought I'd get started on a little list of things I want to do this summer.

Buy a Long Board
Six Flags
Learn to Long Board
New Job
Sea World
Throw the Best Bonfire!
Meet a Good Guy
More Shows!
New Wardrobe?
Attend a Festival
Vegas
Take a Photo Challenge
Flirt More!
New Friends
Re-Invent!
Big Bear
New Hobby
Get my Tattoo
Bone Free Summer
Sew Purse
Party at the New House (Pina Coladas in the pool!)
Santa Barbara
Pillow Fight
Kini Body
Do at least 5 free photoshoots
CSUSB ----> CU-Boulder!?

Turned out to be a lot longer than I planned.

"The happiest people don't have the best of everything they just make the best of everything."
I love my faith and it's movement in me.

Simmer. Slimmer. Summer. Slip.
I've forgotten. I've lost something. I know that to stop is what is best. I've lost everything. It has never been enough. I've never found satisfaction or fulfillment. I struggle to pray. I struggle to realize. I struggle, best, to let go. No one can hold me like I need to be held. There is so much more to explore, to understand, to soak up. Take me.

Story of my life.

"That's your problem, stop trying. Surrender!"

Liberate Love!

"I can see what you're trying to mean,

But I can't believe what you're doing to me.

Cuz if you think love, isn't good enough
I'll go find a bird to love.
We can learn a lot together
Even if we're not together
I am glad I found you."

"Fail, fail again, fail better."
Only in failure do you reach success. You can only get to the good stuff when you've done the hard stuff.

House sitting this week. I love it. It makes me so look forward to having my own place. The single downfall to having this whole house to myself is that the doggie I'm watching has possibly the worst gas I've ever smelt. Raunchy awful ass gas. All else is great though. I'm cooking for myself and taking Max for runs in the mornings. I feel grown. And even though at the end of the week I will be going back to what I was, I can't help but feel excited. I'll be twenty one in about thirty-six days. Which is mostly a reminder that I need to work on being more self-sufficient. Autarky.
My family will also be moving out of the house that we've called home, for the last decade, in just a few months. I am anything but ecstatic, but I am trying to look at it as an opportunity to start fresh. A lot of pain lives in that house. Much more than I'd like to carry on with me, but the memories will never be lost.
On another note... at lunch today with my mom, she mentioned a sweet little story about how the man in front of her in the drive-in line at Sips today, bought her breakfast for her. He didn't know her, nor was he trying to be flirtatious, he just wanted to do something nice for another person. A random act of kindness. This got me thinking, what if we all made it a point to do one random act of kindness everyday. What if?
Also... in English we are studying poetry. Which has turned out to be something I never thought I'd enjoy as much as I have. But the point is, we read this poem about a woman with confidence and an amazing sense of pride in her beauty, her body, her grace, herself. It moved me. I got carried away in my thoughts again, dreaming about what it would be like if instead of tearing each other down, we, as women, would praise each other and love one another, loudly. Much more loudly than we are comfortable with. It could be magical. We could build each other up. Tell your sister she looks fantastic and that all her hard work at the gym is paying off. Tell your mother that that you admire her strength in holding everything together. Tell your best friend that she is the most sensational being you have ever met. And be happy for your friends who have found a man to love them, even though you're still searching for your own. And most importantly... compliment yourself on the amazing work you've done and the strength and determination you scrounged up to do it. Admire yourself and remember that the people who mind don't matter and the people who matter don't mind.

"I don’t really believe that there are Artistic people and the opposite. I think there are people who try to be creative or try to look at the world differently and take on the task to report what they’ve seen to others. Humans are innately creative in my opinion and to tap and dig deeper into
that part of your mind is the goal, if that’s what you’re in to. I don’t really know much else to say, other than I see people reject the opportunity to express themselves daily. I never used to feel
comfortable showing people something I created. Self consciousness. And now, just like this blog is an expression of me, I want to get all of what’s in my head out and hopefully do it right so you understand where I’m coming from. But the intention isn’t always achieved and the process of growth to get better at your method of communication, shouldn’t be feared but enjoyed. Life is growth and life is struggle with moments of payoff and enlightenment. I gain inspiration from the opportunity to grow individually and to encourage other people not to worry about judgement, cause everyone had to start somewhere."

-Adam from The New Limb

I am ready. Ready for something. Ready to get out of here. Ready to renovate. Ready to run away. Ready to stop making the same mistakes. Ready to grow. Ready to let go. I think that it is very likely that I might just have to take a leap instead of waiting for an instruction manual on how to start my life to fall into my hands.

Remember... "Maybe the happy ending is knowing that being who we are is good enough and that we can stand on our own two feet. Maybe its knowing that it's okay to be alone." The idea is to be completely sufficient on your own. Accept love and attention when offered it, but never expect it. Take care of yourself and be in love with that!