I had a eureka moment today. Nothing major. I mean the whole world does not suddenly make sense, but something did become apparent to me. I spend an abundant amount of time worrying and planning and procrastination and holding myself to these standards that I cannot live up to. "Don't give in to what you want, it'll only lead to self destruction." "Don't say yes, they'll think less of you." "Don't let yourself be vulnerable, they'll walk all over you." I want to be vulnerable. I want to say yes. I want to go after what I want, even if I fail. Even if everything goes terribly wrong. It's what I wanted, once upon a time, and that has got to count for something. Yes, I'm afraid. But it's human to be afraid. I am a bird and I am soaring.

I'm going to kiss you. And you're going to taste of ashes and tar lungs. But it'll be okay, because I like you that much.

"Cowards die many times before their deaths;
The valiant never taste of death but once.
Of all the wonders that I yet have heard,
It seems to me most strange that men should fear;
Seeing that death, a necessary end,
Will come when it will come."

It feels sort of like you're lying.It's obvious I'm broken. But I don't need anyone to fix me.
I can take care of myself and that's exactly what I'll do.

This is how my world looks on the inside.

"Wind me up. Put me down. Stop me up and watch me go."I'm feeling different today. It's messy. I'm messy. My head is not on straight. My ears must be upside down. I don't know what I was thinking. It's a lot. I can't catch my breathe. And I don't know what to say or whether it is good or bad. I don't want to say anything. I want to wait it out. I don't know what I am doing. It's like I was a puzzle. Or I am a puzzle. And a piece had been missing. Not the last piece, but at least a significant piece that gave way to a bigger picture. So the piece was missing, then you came around. And it was no longer lost. I was one step closer. Certain things were beginning to make sense. Then you left. Or I left. Or we both left. But at some point that piece became missing once more. And now my balance is off. I've got a miss-y feeling for you. So please please please, let Friday come sooner and let me get to know that missing piece a little more.

It's not like the rest of the story, though it is a continuation. It's not the end of a chapter, but the beginning of one. It's not found, but it's not lost. It's not clean, but it's not tainted. It's not simple. It's not easy. It's not ideal, but it's exactly where I want to be. I know I can have anything I want. I know I can make it all happen, you remind me of this everyday. I'm inspired. I'm excited. I'm singing. I'm happy. I'm scared. But I'm willing to leap. This is everything I've been talking about, everything I've been wishing for. Just to know you is enough. I am a freebird, now and forevermore, but I'd love it most if we could soar together.

I'm a messy in the brain kind of girl. Do you know how much messier you're making it?

"Who lost who? Did I lose you? Did you lose me?... Well I gave it a lot of thought and I came to this conclusion. I didn't lose you and you didn't lose me. Not at all. Because on that horrible dark day.
We lost eachother."

7 1/2 More Days!

~Mego~ ~Brini~ ~Ashy~

hahahah!

I opened my eyes this morning only to be overcome by the overwhelming realization of the fact that I am immature, uneducated and insanely naive. I'm about ten steps behind you and I am now constantly being reminded of this.

Fifteen to go!

Every part of me feels brand new. I feel like I've been turned inside out in the most perfect way and this rapidly approaching future is everything. I have everything I need and it warms my insides every day to wake up and be reminded again of what great friends I'm blessed to have. There's a little tug on my heart strings when you tell me that I'm the only one you want to kiss. That changes things. I feel like it's real now and I can stop being afraid. I'm so glad that you understand the obvious facts that we bump into on occasion but I wanted to let you know... for me, from this moment, it's only you. I don't need another set of lips. Even if your set is a thousand miles away.Sixteen more days!

It has been four months. Four amazing months that did not include you. I look back now and see one thing very clearly, I was very much like an addict when it came to those three letters of your name. I am happy now and yet you somehow found a way to place those three letters back in my head. I don't need you anymore! I want him now. And I'm ecstatic to say that he is everything that you never could have been. You are the drug, not the cure!

"Finding a good person and adjusting your life to theirs and them doing the same for you, that's being in a psychologically healthy relationship."