Day 1

Feeling stronger today. Much stronger. I stopped reading the "Fifty Shades" books. They were undoubtedly rotting my brain. Went for a run this morning with my sis and my stepdad and I pushed hard. Harder than I thought I could and I put this image in my head that made me go farther. Someone else's happiness is what pushed me, but not in a jealousy sort of way. More like if I pushed harder I could make them happier. I dedicated my run today. And tomorrow I will do the same. Starting a new blog. It'll be called "Restart My Heart". The blog will be about this: A happier healthier Birdy Journey. Focusing on getting fit and becoming more of what I want to be. I'm feeling like this blog has been a lot about my weaknesses and I recognize that they are important, but I also do not want to sulk in them anymore. Four years and over 400 post mostly about the weak girl I was with a guy. Or many guys for that matter. Now that makes me sound like a floozy but if you've been listening you know the real story. That's besides the point though. I'm keeping this blog and I'll probably still be posting but I'm really pumped about starting fresh. Thats all for today.

    When I am feeling at my weakest I have made it a habit to pray. I step back and take a look at it all and recognize that I have no control over any of it. It's not in my hands anymore and maybe it never was. 

So long, friend. So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.

Happy Father's Day Daddy. Even with two amazing father figures in my life {My Pawpaw & my new stepdad Stevie} it's still hard to not miss you. Have a great big bowl of ice cream for me up there! 

I love you. 

The mornings are always the hardest. My creative mind at play, when I think of all the should-have & would-haves. Today I'm trying to focus on the now. Right now I need my God. Right now I need my sense of self. Right now I need to grab a hold on something and let all else go. The End.

Cliché but Still True

"He is sensible and so incredible and all my single friends are jealous. He says everything I need to hear and it's like I couldn't ask for anything better. He opens up my door and I get into his car and he says you look beautiful tonight. And I feel perfectly fine, but I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain. It's 2am and I'm cursing your name. You're so in love that you act insane and that's the way I loved you. Breaking down and coming undone. It's a roller coaster kind of rush. And I never knew I could feel that much. And that's the way I loved you. He respects my space and never makes me wait. And he calls exactly when he says he will. He's close to my mother. Talks business with my father. He's charming and endearing And I'm comfortable. But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain It's 2am and I'm cursing your name. You're so in love that you act insane. And that's the way I loved you. Breaking down and coming undone. It's a roller coaster kinda rush. I never knew I could feel that much and that's the way I loved you. He can't see the smile I'm faking and my heart's not breaking. Cause I'm not feeling anything at all and you were wild and crazy. Just so frustrating, intoxicating, complicated, got away by some mistake and now. I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain. It's 2am and I'm cursing your name."

Once upon a time, there was a girl. Now isn't that how all of these stories begin? Her eyes, emerald green with long tangles of auburn waves reaching down the length of her back. Sweetly innocent and charming with her naivety, she spent her days lost in vivid dreams. Longing for a love that she had only read of in her books. Oh the many books. The Happily Ever Afters and The Unrequited Tragedies, these books were her vicariously lived life. She entertained the attempts at romance of a few gentlemen callers, though none left a lasting impression on the young lady. The faults and flaws were recognized early on and the girl gracefully said her goodbyes knowing fully well in her heart that she needed more. She watched them walk away outside her window and found herself distracted by the beauty of the birds in the trees. Wings spread widely and gliding through the wind, without a care in the world, the birds flew, coming and going as they pleased, when they pleased. Over time the girl lost interest in her dreams. She tucked them tightly away and went out in the world to find something else. If the love she longed for wasn't out there, she was going to find a new kind of love. She began a journey to freedom. Like the birds outside her window she wanted to soar. Early in her journey she found a friend, a fellow flyer, looking for the same escape the gem eyed girl had been searching for. They had little to nothing in common, in fact the only thing they could agree on was the brilliance of grape jelly and of course the joy each of them found in the others company. He was tall, strong and guarded, with deep hazel eyes a person could drown in. While she was short, soft and curious. They flew together for years, disagreeing, fighting, making up, coming and going as they pleased when they pleased, but they always found their way back to one another. Learning more and more about the other and themselves upon each rising sun. Each of them found something that they had been missing, inside the other. She showed him the beauty of each day and he taught her how to take risks.Time passed and the two slowly discovered new individual passions that neither could fulfill for the other, so they took flight in opposing directions. As the seasons changed, the girl and her friend both found new mates that respectively brought each of them great joy. Retiring their wings, they decided it was time to settle into a more stable life on solid ground. A life of consistency and compromise, but something was always missing. The fire. The passion. Like magnets there was always a pull, but time got the best of each of them. Time and fear. Sifting through her old belongings, the girl stumbled upon her forgotten dreams. The dreams she had once tucked tightly away. Awakening her dreams, she realized something she didn't know she ever had. Her dreams had come true while she wasn't looking. Everything she longed for, the never-ending kind of tie to someone else that she had read about all those ages ago, she had it all. So she sought him out. Her fellow flyer. Her deep eyed dream. She found him and knew with just one look that she was right. That even though they had not been together, could not be together, they still had each others love. This is not like all the other fairy tales. No, not at all. There isn't a happy ending. No grand gesture to bring them together once and for all. They had lives now. They had people who loved them and who they loved, dearly, right back. It isn't ideal. No, not in the least bit. That wonder for what could have been will never go away. But that's the essence of life and it's beautiful. To know that you have love. Despite everything else. That never ending love... it doesn't go away. 

Closure comes at a price. 

But it was a price I had to pay.