"If your ship doesn't come in, swim out to it!"So I'm feeling stuck again. In a lot of ways I am sticking myself, but I'm becoming slightly more aware of it slowly. I gotta change it all again and as usual I'm afraid and also excited. Through a conversation with an ex I learned something about myself, he told me that I am constantly changing because I'm so afraid of becoming one of them. "One of your sisters, your mom, your dad..." the list goes on but he told me this and it sounds strange but it made me smile. He figured me out long before I ever had the idea spelled out in my head. And then I ran into this idea again yesterday at lunch with my adoptive aunt Michelle, she said "You love them, but you don't ever want to be like them." And that's it. The foundation for all of my behavior. The driving force in my life. Get out. Don't end up this way. Make something more out of your life. Love them, but also love you. Realize that your family will always be there, shit may get ugly, it may all come crumbling down but with family there is always another chance. But the same cannot be said for opportunities in your life.

"To me that's really alive. That kind of half nauseous, half beautiful feeling." -Miranda July

My wish for my baby niece who is on the way.
"This is my little girl. She is brave and clever and funny. She will have none of the problems that I have. Her heart will never be broken. She will never be humiliated. Self-doubt will not devour her dreams."

"From your limited human perspective, you cannot understand all the factors why someone exhibits a certain behavior; why and on what level they have chosen it; its relation to their life purpose; what they are learning from it; where it is ultimately leading them; and how it fits into the choices and lessons of others with whom they interact. All you see is one piece in a muli-billion piece jigsaw, and it would be presumptuous and preposterous to imagine you see the whole puzzle."

My life, is a mess. I'm all over the place, hoping dreaming, wishing and I get nowhere with it.

"But it feels like someone else is writing all of this... Still me, Still me... I'm okay, okay... So just stay, just stay."

So earlier today I was sitting here thinking about what I want out of life. Who I want to be, what I want to achieve and who I want to be by my side while I do it. To say the least my goals are hardly attainable, but not completely impossible. For example I not only want a degree that enables a career in design but I also want to open a bookstore/cupcake bakery. I want to dabble in photography, drive a fuel efficient car and live in a contemporary artsy high ceiling apartment with little pekey pups and a gold fish named Lola. I want to have a goodies drawer with candy and toys for all my little nieces & nephews and I want to send out Christmas cards every year. I want love, lots of it and success. And I want Ky, Mego, Rissa, Brana, Ali and a few others all to still be a part of my world. I want to be the type of person who runs marathons and gives back to the community. I want to be the type of person that people admire. Okay, so aside from all my career goals, my list is pretty do-able. No scratch that, even with my crazy career ideas, I'm gunna make it happen. Oh and on a side note... I'd also like to live in Australia for a little while, get a tattoo, ride a mechanical bull, and learn to longboard. Ahhh I'm glad I got that written out, now I can get started makin it happen. I'm positive that there's more but I'll get too carried away if I keep going. I'm already happy to say that I feel like I'm on the right path to becoming this woman, and I'm excited for that. In a big way.

It may be childish and immature but I just have to say it. I was right! I was so right and I never should have let you make me believe that I wasn't. Your cocky ass bullshit should have sent me running long before I did and I'm so glad that your too chicken shit to face it, cuz that would have been just more time I've wasted on you. So for the sake of my sanity I just wanted to tell you that you are dumb. I know what a freaking Handlebar mustache is. Not to be confused with a Fu Manchu. And I know this is the silliest rant I've ever had with myself but after the months of being made out to feel inferior and to question my own intelligence it means a lot to know that I was right. On multiple accounts. So here's a big skrew you to the biggest tyrant I know. I'd take it all back if I could. You did however teach me one thing, I'll never again put up with another ass hole like you."When everything is lonely I can be my own bestfriend."

"You know what's wrong with you, Miss Whoever-you-are? You're chicken, you've got no guts. You're afraid to stick out your chin and say, 'Okay, life's a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness.' You call yourself a free spirit, a 'wild thing,' and you're terrified somebody's gonna stick you in a cage. Well baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somali-land. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself."

-Breakfast at Tiffany's

Lets try something new.