Flipping through the pages. One chapter closes and another begins, knowing very well that everything that has occured up until now in this novel, that is your life, will effect the outcome of your story. Will your ending be happy? Traumatic? Tragic? Will your conclusion leave a question hanging to challenge your readers to change their own lives? For better or for worse? Will you inspire them? Or will you cripple them with fear?

It doesn't matter, just as long as they read.

Parts of me stayed with you. Portions of my whole are hollow and probably always will be, regaurdless of whether I can forgive or not. Nothing can be undone and what you have made me will not likely be unmade.

"The most painful goodbyes are the ones that were never said and never explained."

So today I stumbled upon a cute little blog made by some teenage girls in the midwest and it reminded me a whole lot of my self during the last summer of my high school career. If you have ever met me you know that I am the queen of lists and Summer Lists have always been my favorite. These girls created a blog for their Summer Bucket List, check it out... WhatTheBucketList! It's super cute and I'm so tempted to try a handful of the things on the list. I also want to make my own list... only bummer is I'm technically an adult now and could potentially get arrested for a few of my ideas so we'll see how this goes. I sure do remember the good old days though.





A Repost if You Will

This was me a year ago! "Today my skin itches. I am an independent being. I am fully capable of taking care of myself. I don't need anyone at my bedside when I am ill and I don't need to know that you care with flowers. I am smart. I am sassy. I am strong. Stronger than you may think and I am so unique. You'll never find anyone like me. Never and nowhere. I am all my own. I sleep in my panties because I'm most comforted by 3 heavy blankets on my bed but the addition of sweatpants just makes me sweat. I like to lift my hands during worship in church, mostly when I know the lyrics to the song and I can feel love growing inside my chest. I smile in church too. I promise myself no sweets and I cheat. I dream about cupcakes. I cry because all my favorite people are just too far away from me and there is nothing I can do to change that. I have two boxes of tissues in my room because I found that having two was far less work than one. I dance when my phone rings. I like to feel, and I love people who feel too. I have never found more pleasure in my life than when I look at someone and they just know. They know everything that's wrong or right and they know just what to say or not to say. I am an independent being and I like things my way. But when I love you. When I truly love you, I'll like things your way too. But then how independent does that make me? So I've remained single, mostly because when I love I give away piece of myself and I don't know how to successfully go on being an independent being all while whole-heartedly loving anyone other than myself. This whole damn world is full of vicious circles... you break me, I break you back and it will stay that way until the day when it's not. Until we all figure out that it's not about getting even it's about letting go and loving regardless of the circumstances. Thank you to those who have loved me regardless. It has meant more than everything to me."

And this is still me today... Very few things have changed. I still cry because all my favorite people are too far away and I still give away pieces of my heart. The difference is... someone gave me a piece of his heart this past year. He's my match, my missing part, my everything. He loves me even when I'm most difficult, because he "loves me all the time not just when we're getting along." He knows I "need the most love when I'm pissed at him." And that's how you break the vicious cycle, you find someone who loves you as dearly as you love them. You learn compromise. Give and take. You give it all you have got and you take what you're given. And it fills you because you know the point is not winning. You've already won. The point is that you realize that it's not about what you want but what your relationship needs. My faith has been a large part in getting me here. Its also a big reason why I haven't posted in so long. But there is no reason why I can't have both. I think I'll be needing both. 

I have done a lot of ruining in my day. Not just today but all of my days. I've often let myself get carried away in a thought or feeling rather than a rational idea. This unfiltering of my messy thoughts frequently result in fair consequenses. And I understand this. I know that even a fool who has kept silent will be thought wise. For some uncomprehensible reason though... I cannot for the life of me keep my big mouth shut. I'm working on it... trying to be more aware of myself and the light or lack of light that I will be seen in by others and its proving to be slightly more difficult than I thought. I wasn't always this way though. As a young lady I was very reserved. Sweet and polite. Couldn't curse a fly. But there was a point along the way that a monster was made and these days thats all anyone ever gets to see. Of course I have good intentions, I mean no harm to others I just can't manage to turn my filter on. It causes problems for me everywhere I go, work, home, with friends and the boyf. The conclusion of come to is that I need to be more grace-filled. To have more love in my heart and in my behaviors. So that is just what I intend to do.

On a side note. It feels good to be back here. Talking about the things floating in my head. Trev was getting tired of hearing about my quests and I've alienated most everyone else with the above mentioned unfiltered messiness. So maybe this will help. Talking to another version of myself. To you... whoever is listening. I'm very excited. Not for anything specific but just simply excited.

This

"So this is my life.

And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad.

And I'm still trying to figure out how that could be."

Fresh Start

The amount of time that has pasted and the alarming speed it went at, is heart breaking. There is so much that we've missed together, but as you know very well.... life does not stop and wait for any of us. Dreams came true, of course not in the ways that we imagined them to. Hearts were changed, for the better but also for the worst. But happily I say, I am still your free bird. As I float through the ideas of where I want to go, what I want to do, and who I want to do it all with I am faced with some overwhelming thoughts to do with how lost I am and have been. Then I take a breath and realize this is where I have always been. There is this little thing that has a strange way of sneaking up on me. Sticking like gum to my shoe. It is there even when I'm not aware and each step I take, there is a bit that goes with me to the next step and the many that follow. I don't know what to call it though... it's all the things that make up who you are... your dreams, your fears, the scars from your past and the hidden desires that we are ashamed to admit. It's me. It's you. It's who you were yesterday and who you will be a decade from now. This part does not go away. In me... my part is this... being lost... looking for more... how to be better... how to be stronger... how to help... how to not try to help. There is more but its not relevant. However what I am saying is... I don't want to be afraid of this anymore. This place I speak of. I've tried over and over to turn it off. Telling myself that its ugly, that it can be fixed, that I'd be better off without it... but I wouldn't. I would be someone else... or no one. Without it what would make me unique? What would make me whole or complete? So I'm telling you this is mine. My place. My sticking gum on my shoe. I'm back. And I'm here to stay. Life is not a race... it's a journey!