Story of my life.

"That's your problem, stop trying. Surrender!"

Liberate Love!

"I can see what you're trying to mean,

But I can't believe what you're doing to me.

Cuz if you think love, isn't good enough
I'll go find a bird to love.
We can learn a lot together
Even if we're not together
I am glad I found you."

"Fail, fail again, fail better."
Only in failure do you reach success. You can only get to the good stuff when you've done the hard stuff.

House sitting this week. I love it. It makes me so look forward to having my own place. The single downfall to having this whole house to myself is that the doggie I'm watching has possibly the worst gas I've ever smelt. Raunchy awful ass gas. All else is great though. I'm cooking for myself and taking Max for runs in the mornings. I feel grown. And even though at the end of the week I will be going back to what I was, I can't help but feel excited. I'll be twenty one in about thirty-six days. Which is mostly a reminder that I need to work on being more self-sufficient. Autarky.
My family will also be moving out of the house that we've called home, for the last decade, in just a few months. I am anything but ecstatic, but I am trying to look at it as an opportunity to start fresh. A lot of pain lives in that house. Much more than I'd like to carry on with me, but the memories will never be lost.
On another note... at lunch today with my mom, she mentioned a sweet little story about how the man in front of her in the drive-in line at Sips today, bought her breakfast for her. He didn't know her, nor was he trying to be flirtatious, he just wanted to do something nice for another person. A random act of kindness. This got me thinking, what if we all made it a point to do one random act of kindness everyday. What if?
Also... in English we are studying poetry. Which has turned out to be something I never thought I'd enjoy as much as I have. But the point is, we read this poem about a woman with confidence and an amazing sense of pride in her beauty, her body, her grace, herself. It moved me. I got carried away in my thoughts again, dreaming about what it would be like if instead of tearing each other down, we, as women, would praise each other and love one another, loudly. Much more loudly than we are comfortable with. It could be magical. We could build each other up. Tell your sister she looks fantastic and that all her hard work at the gym is paying off. Tell your mother that that you admire her strength in holding everything together. Tell your best friend that she is the most sensational being you have ever met. And be happy for your friends who have found a man to love them, even though you're still searching for your own. And most importantly... compliment yourself on the amazing work you've done and the strength and determination you scrounged up to do it. Admire yourself and remember that the people who mind don't matter and the people who matter don't mind.

"I don’t really believe that there are Artistic people and the opposite. I think there are people who try to be creative or try to look at the world differently and take on the task to report what they’ve seen to others. Humans are innately creative in my opinion and to tap and dig deeper into
that part of your mind is the goal, if that’s what you’re in to. I don’t really know much else to say, other than I see people reject the opportunity to express themselves daily. I never used to feel
comfortable showing people something I created. Self consciousness. And now, just like this blog is an expression of me, I want to get all of what’s in my head out and hopefully do it right so you understand where I’m coming from. But the intention isn’t always achieved and the process of growth to get better at your method of communication, shouldn’t be feared but enjoyed. Life is growth and life is struggle with moments of payoff and enlightenment. I gain inspiration from the opportunity to grow individually and to encourage other people not to worry about judgement, cause everyone had to start somewhere."

-Adam from The New Limb

I am ready. Ready for something. Ready to get out of here. Ready to renovate. Ready to run away. Ready to stop making the same mistakes. Ready to grow. Ready to let go. I think that it is very likely that I might just have to take a leap instead of waiting for an instruction manual on how to start my life to fall into my hands.

Remember... "Maybe the happy ending is knowing that being who we are is good enough and that we can stand on our own two feet. Maybe its knowing that it's okay to be alone." The idea is to be completely sufficient on your own. Accept love and attention when offered it, but never expect it. Take care of yourself and be in love with that!

So technically I have kissed someone in a library before, but it wasn't like this.
I think this would be magnificent.

Beta State
Only a genius poetic thinker would put wings on an elephant.
Oh wait... there was dumbo huh? I'm just now grasping how incredibly metaphorical this is.

The next time someone hurts you, sit and think back about all the people you've harmed in your lifetime and how all those people felt about you. None of it is ever one sided. Talk to them. Fix it. You wouldn't leave a crying baby in dumpster, so don't leave those who have suffered the unfortunate fate of giving a shit in the dumpster either. The truth is we need more people like them. Make it better so the vicious circle of hurt can, at the very least, slow down. So that not another person feels abandoned or let down by anothers lack of empathy. Care MORE! Hide LESS. Because it's in our nature to give a fuck.

It's that time of year again! Get ready for my summer to-do lists!!!! Lets start with books to read: For starters, I have high hopes, I know, but I'd like to read quite a few books this summer. I'd like to focus on three different writers. Sara Dessen, Jenny Han, and Deb Caletti.
Sara Dessen is already one of my favorite reads but she has got a new book out and a couple old ones I have yet to read.
-What Happened to Goodbye
-Dreamland
Jenny Han has three books out that revolve around summer love, my kind of book don't you think?
-The Summer I Turned Pretty
-It's Not Summer Without You
-We'll Always Have Summer
Deb Caletti is another author I just heard about who has written eight novels that I know I'd enjoy reading. While I know that reading them all isn't very realistic I do want to hit at least three of them.
-Honey, Baby, Sweetheart
-The Nature of Jade
-Queen of Everything
-Stay
-Wild Roses
-The Secret Life of Prince Charming
-The Six Rules of Maybe
-The Fortunes of Indigo Skye
Also... I would really like to read some classic literature, but I know my patience for those sort of books is very thin. So we'll see how far I get. I won't be taking classes this summer so hopefully I have time to read read read!

Belong.
Where?
And to whom?

Belong: To be proper, appropriate, or suitable
Belong: To have in one's possession. (Often{to belong})
Belong: To be a part of something else.
Belong: To fit well in a defined place.
Belong: Be rightly placed in a specified position.
Belong: To fit into a group naturally.
Belong: To be in an appropriate situation or environment
Belong: Be rightly classified in or assigned to a specified category.

Belong!

"Take all that you have and turn it into something you were missing."

"Sometimes you can take good things from bad people."

Once you have felt love, you spend the rest of your life searching for it and coming up short. Because first love, though damaging as it may be, is powerful. It's moving. I am still convinced I have never been in love. I have loved. And I have been loved, but I have never been in love. I believe when you fall in love you never fall out. So instead I say, I have fallen for love... numerous times, and here I am, still searching. Please, leave me with books. And keep me with my God because a life built on destruction is not one I'd like to participate in. I surrender.

What will make you feel whole again?
Maybe you never will. Is it possible that life is all about the struggle?