"I think I saw you in my sleep, darling,

I think I saw you in my dreams, you were

Stitching up the seams on every broken promise

That your body couldn't keep

I think I saw you in my sleep."
I wish I saw them in my dreams, stitching up all those broken promises. I wish I had that closure. I can make it. I know that but I wish they'd all just return to me in my sleep to clean up the mess they've made of my heart and my brain. Then when I awake in the morning, I'll be refreshed and unbroken. I'll be someone well put together, with her head screwed on right, someone who doesn't carry around all the broken pieces of her heart. Why can't I ever let anything go??? I don't know how to move on.
On a separate note... I want an old-school Polaroid camera! Especially since my little baby niece is on her way in to this world as I write these words. Jeeps this had been a very crappy night so far and I've got hours ahead of me of study time if I want to pass this damn psych class. I've been messing up big on the school front. I don't know how I'm going to get my shit all together in the next two weeks but I'm going to try. Dammit. I need some freaking friends. But I'm too much of a bitter-uppidy-better-than-everyone-else-super-skank to sustain meaningful relationships at a close distance. Man I hate that I can have such a nice blog one day only to be followed by this lame depressing crap. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and just man the fuck up because in reality no one can fix me but me. ;(

I know what I want. I mean I don't but I know this feeling that I'm looking for. Not in a man or any kind of relationship but with myself. The feeling I want out of life. I took a picture of my dream and I set it as the background on my phone as a sort of motive to get there. Even though I have no IDEA how it's going to happen, I still get extremely excited everytime I open my phone. It's like it doesn't matter how far away it is, I know what I want. I know I want to create. I know I want to make a difference and I know that I don't want it to be about money but more about love. I'm wearing less make-up these days and I like it. I haven't gotten fluttery feelings for a guy in months and I'm not too worried about it. I love my body and my hobbies. I love my messy ways. I love that my nail polish is always chipped and that my dog spoons with me when it gets cold. I love that I am not perfect and that I don't need to please anyone else. I love that I don't need to be with someone to be happy. And that I'm actually more happy on my own. I love the way my mind works and that I am strong and independent. I love that I am my own hero. I love that I read silly self-help books about how to make my life better and more fullfilling and that I take notes as I do it. I love that I have dreams and lots of them. I love that I am the type of girl who cries during sappy movies and that I break out my box set of The O.C. every year around the holidays. I love that I am so filled with love. I love that I have survived, I know I'm broken and counter-intuitive but I am wearing my flaws like a sexy outfit these days and it's fine by me. Take it or leave it, but you know "I'm not going to change for anyone." This is the first time I can say that and actually believe it.

"Ruin is the Road to Transformation."

"Sometimes lies are not lies, sometimes they are love."

"What you could not change has changed you."

Currently I am sitting in bed, scatter brained with my laptop to my side and the rest of the bed covered in job applications and school books. This is my life and I am finally okay with it. I talked to Ky today. It made my day sparkle. I know I haven't been a great friend and instead of putting me through the wringer like I know I would have done, he just let us pick up right where we left off. I love that. He's better than me and I love that too. I actually despise having friends that act just like me, I find it annoying and condescending. I'd much rather know someone who uses their own mind and voices their own opinion and I think that is quite apparent in the friendship choices I have made. I am actually doing very well these days without my facebook. Same goes for constant communication, I'm content with my phone off and put away now. I like that. I like using my brain and being able to thing instead of a continuous conversation being played out in my head 24/7. It's good to have a break. I feel like I'm progressing and I am glad for that. I am trying to write down 5 things everyday that I like about myself. As a little reminder as to why I should believe I am so great. haha I was thinking about putting them on here but I thought that might be a little conceited so I decided against it. But it's happening nonetheless and that is what matters. More and more lately I've been thinking about my bookstore and bakery. I literally cannot wait for the chance to make it all happen. I want to start reading more too (Bradbury?). And maybe taking a baking class, just to see if I'd really be into it. I don't know, we'll see. Sleep now for me. I've got a thousand things to check off my list for tomorrow. ;D

Everything that has happened has changed me. I am clay. Each blow I take changes me. It morphs my very foundation. Craters consume me. But you know, there's beauty in that. I had this dream last night, it was just happy and filled with possibilities instead of being weighed down by history and old battle wounds. As much as I want to be level headed and realistic, I always fall back into hope no matter how tragic the outcome looks. But you know, that's who I am. I feel like I'm finished with trying to change myself. I don't want to be hard. I don't want to be someone else. I just want to be me. For the longest time I've convinced myself that wasn't enough. And for the longest time I have been completely unfulfilled. So I'm letting go of those insecurities. I am high maintenance, nosy, sensitive, opinionated, emotional, and irrational to say the least. But you know, I'm ok with that. I'm going to rock my flaws instead of trying to suppress them. Because this person I've been for the last year is still a stranger to me. And I don't want to get to know her. She has been defining herself based upon the men that inhibit her emotional growth. Wrong. Wrong.Wrong. But you know, at least I can see it.

Are there other people out there who think like me? I meant I've read about them. I've read many magical words that could have easily snuck out of my lips in my sleep but I've never met another person who simply understood me 100%. And you know, maybe that is what is real. You never really know anyone, you can never be in their head completely, you can never predict their next move and maybe that's how it should be. They mystery of not knowing is what drives us. Or is it the mystery of proving our expectations right? Shit I don't know. I'm so beyond lost I can't even understand what I am trying to say, let alone what I am thinking. But I'm sitting here eating my banana flavored yogurt, wishing I was from somewhere exotic or at the very least somewhere interesting where they, as a society, instill valuable lessons on morality and how to be self sufficient by the age of twenty, while I procrastinate on my art paper that is 4 days late and probably will not be accepted. I am sooooo fucking lost. I can't juggle my shit. And I can't start fresh. I can't move forward because I've left so much unfinished and I can't go back because time is evil and vindictive and thinks it to be funny when I try to rewind my life like a tivo box to try over what I didn't do right in the first place. The sad fact here is that I need to pass these classes that I keep ditching. I need to pass them to get out of this hell hole. But the hell hole is what's keeping me from passing. And I've spoiled myself. I've learned to treat myself often to the things that make me happy and in turn I have not learned how to be self sufficient by the age of twenty. And I also haven't learned to accept responsibility for my actions, I just keep making excuses for why shit sucks. Go fix yourself. Go fix yourself. Go fix yourself. How do you do it without the inspiration? I want to be me again but I don't know how to find her, or if I ever knew her at all. I'm going to turn the phone off. Deactivated the facebook. And hope to God that I can find some worth in my life. Cuz fuck! Something is wrong. None of this is enough.

"This pain, this dying, this is just normal. This is how life is. In fact, I realize, there never was an earthquake. Life is just this way, broken, and I am crazy for dreaming of something else."
-Miranda July

This is the first day of my life! I'm not missing any part of my past. I accept that some people are dead and others have simply left, and it's okay. Because I have tomorrow. I'm not going to hold myself to anymore obligations. Farewell to making and wasting time. I'm sorry that you love me, and I can't love you back the way you want it. I do love you though. And I've been on both ends of this, it's not easy but it is real. And if you remember correctly that is what I am about. So just be happy. Neither of us got what we wanted and we probably never will. Make it what you want though. Farewell to the pain and misery, to the wanting. Because the unwanting feels sooo good.