I don't want to come second anymore when you've always been first for me. My happiness will not depend on others anymore. " I regret not making you mine." So many things that should never have been said and so many more things that should have been said but never were. Sometimes it means everything with you say nothing.

 Goodnight and Goodbye.

I hold it all in. Don't say too much. Don't wait too long. Don't do it if you don't want to. I put my head on my knees and think about the last 24 hours. It felt like I was 18 again. Wishing so muchly that you'd just put your  hand to my hair or that you wouldn't look away. I stayed on my side of the car. I kept my hands to myself. Pop Pop Pop Pop. Then I tried to pry the gum from your mouth. I had forgotten what it was like to play. The tightening of my chest when your fingers barely touch my arm. It was comfortable. The silence was comfortable and the hours passed too quickly. I wanted to be the one to say when it was time to go. I wanted the upper hand. "Say when." We both know I would have never said 'when'. I felt like myself. Or my old self. I don't know which self I really am anymore. When I'm with him I'm Brittaney and when I'm with you I'm Britone. When it's just me... I'm Bird. [Then what about Bessy, Brit, Jonesy, Breen & Bee?] I am them all and I don't want to choose one. I can't choose one. I took it out of my hands. I shouldn't be the one saying so much. I shouldn't be so up front about what I'm feeling if the reciprocation is quite scarce at the least. I just want my friend. I just want to make it ok to have fun with my friend, without any thirst for more. I have my man. He loves me hard and openly. It's safe there but I miss the fire. I think when it comes to things like this, where you look at it and just see two choices. There is usually a third choice hiding somewhere. And that choice is neither. Drop it all and give me my God. I feel like only when I start to put my God first and living a life I can be proud of is when I will truly be fulfilled. And although I already know this to be true I know its still going to take some time to get there. I want you to walk with me. 

From the Free Bird... 3 years ago.

"If I could paint a picture of who I want to be in 10 years, I wonder what it would look like. In my mind this image slowly comes into frame. My hair messy. A studio apartment unorganized yet full of character and art. Lots of art. And color. Dogs at my side in the kitchen. And clothes everywhere. Sketches and notes too. Reminders all over the fridge with pictures of my fantastic friends. My friends and their growing families and their smiles and our memories. My work bench will be covered in my latest project, the same goes for my kitchen table, which I'd never eat at because I'd much prefer the couch or the floor. The place may be a mess but nothing will ever be lost and the dishes will always be done. The largest wall in the apartment would be consumed of filled book shelves. And in my spare time, I'd read, everything. I'd be educated. And completely obsessed and absorbed with nothing at all. I'd be successful. With successfully having written and published a magical work of almost fiction and several books of inspirational thoughts and quotes. I'd be designing. Magazines, rooms, homes, lives. I'd be independent and in love with my independence. But real love would be just around the corner, just waiting to creep up on me. But this time he'd be a keeper and a new painting would begin to take shape."

But humans are so complex. We're not static beings. We have infinitely many parts that make up our whole and all too often we try to simplify what is unsimplifyable. I am unsimplifyable and so were you but I still tried my hardest to make you simple.

"Wanted a longer hug. Wanted to talk longer."
"Why'd you let me go then?"
"I was afraid you'd feel uncomfortable. Wish you'd held on longer."
"I thought YOU would feel uncomfortable. You should have held on longer."
"Don't let me go next time... Even if I pull away first."

"Ok. I won't "