I want to turn my blog into a novel. Or possibly an autobiography, but then really... who would read such a thing? I just enjoy, so much, sitting here and reading back to the start of the year. I was someone else entirely then and when I read these posts that are so profound I can't help but feel as though I am kindling something deep inside my core. I would love more than anything else to give that feeling to someone else. A gift that cannot be wrapped or taken back. What a concept, huh?

I am an active adult now. Being twenty-one makes you active, not paying your own bills or working two jobs while you try to balance school, family and a boyfriend (unfortunately maintaining a social life with your friends may be too much to ask for though.) But I'm finding more and more every day that I am not so concerned with the way others see me anymore. You don't stress the little things and you accept that the people and the things in your life that are gone, are never coming back. And you learn to grieve them properly as oppose to when you were young. When you thought that anything was possible and fairy tales do come true. They don't. You make things happen, there is no magical mystery to it. The concept of change bares a new meaning to us all as adults. We know that most things are impermanent and everything takes work. Hard work and usually it is not worth it. However, on the rare occasions when you look at your man and he sees you, I mean really sees you and knows just what you are feeling because he is feeling the very same thing... that's when it pays off. Every time you bit your tongue or kissed him when all you wanted to do was punch him. Or the times when you put his needs first and let go of your previous plans or expectations. Really that's what growing up is all about. Having grit. Persistence. Pushing through the shit to get to the happy ending. Giving everything you've got when you feel like you just can't take one more step. It's a different kind of fulfillment you feel on these occasions. Satisfaction. I'm not thirsty anymore. No, nothing is perfect, there are flaws and cracks in my life still but they are part of the beauty. I appreciate these imperfections, they remind me of how blessed I have been to have all that I have.

"What would you do today if you knew you wouldn't fail?"
"Now go out and do it."

"We are determined to be starved before we are hungry."

-Thoreau

"Your Ex-Lover Is Dead" by Stars

God that was strange to see you again
Introduced by a friend of a friend
Smiled and said 'yes I think we've met before'
In that instant it started to pour,
Captured a taxi despite all the rain
We drove in silence across Pont Champlain
And all of the time you thought I was sad
I was trying to remember your name...
This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin
Tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in
Now you're outside me
You see all the beauty
Repent all your sin
It's nothing but time and a face that you lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
I'll write you a postcard I'll send you the news
From a house down the road from real love...
Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...
There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save...
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save.

Working for what?

I want to remind you. Yes you. That you are enough. You've done nothing to feel shame for. It kills me every day when you fail to give yourself the credit you deserve. So much so that I know when I speak to you, I know that you are not you. Not right now. You have been taken apart, but you've yet to be reassembled. You can't see it now, it'll probably take you months to actually realize that it's not up to them to put you back together. Even if you got it all back. (Everything you have misplaced.) You still would not be whole. It's not the stuff that completes you. It's you. And NO ONE ELSE! Put yourself back together. Let go of everything that holds you captive in this crippling funk that you've found yourself. But be aware... you have love. When I stood where you are now standing, it was your love and faith in me that gave me strength. Consistency in the chaos, that is what you were for me. So I'll stand here. As still as you need. I'll listen and I'll try to say only what you need to hear. And even if you can't hear what I am saying, please listen to your own heart. She knows whats best and I know she's hurting the most. When all else fails... take a trip... escape... and take yourself to places that you have never been.

Elusive: Cleverly or skillfully evasive.

I feel like I'm bursting at the seams.
We're all alright.
All of us.

Wanderlust

Wanderlust: A very strong longing for or impulse toward traveling.This is where I'm at. Australia. Colorado. New Zealand. I want to go and be the very best version of me but you know at the same time... I really like who I'm with right now. And it's my own inner struggle because I can't be both a world lover and a lover lover. For now I have chosen lover lover but my dreams never die.

My attendance here is long over-due. And there are many things I'd like to say. Many promises I'd like to make. And most of all there are tons of things I'd love to change. To change in and for myself but tonight the thing that weighs most heavy in my thoughts are all the things I'm wishing I could change for my closest friends. For them to endure less of the struggles that they are facing. I wish I knew how to be a better friend to them, to hold them like I pray for. It's nearly impossible though, because I do not have the power to heal the hurt and also because there is this nasty little thing called distance between us. But ladies know that I think of you often and I pray for you often. Meg, just keep breathing you are an amazing woman, don't let this hurt seal you up again. I adore. And I mean I ADORE your goal lists! Keep dreaming big babe, it's going to pay off. Brana, you made the right choice, you were courageous and trusting. Let yourself be open to all of the blessings you've been handed. Some people never get the chance to experience everything you've been blessed enough to experience. Ash, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I can't be there for you. I'm sorry I can't be what you need for me to be for you. I'm sorry I'm such a pain in the ass. I am happy for you. I'm happy but I'm scared. And you're the only one who knows how to knock me out of this funk, I myself don't even know the trick. Maybe if things were different. Maybe if Michelle and I still spoke. Maybe if you had included me. I don't know but it still feels weird. I love you. All three of you. I love you more than you know and each of you have been the best friends I've ever known because you took the time to understand the mess that I am. And you did it well. Very well. Blessed am I for knowing you.
I hope everything heals......As quickly as possible.

It's not me anymore. She's not radiant. She's not sparkley, magical or sweet. She's cold and distant and self absorbed. There's no resemblance. There's no familiarity. A drink in her hand and a grimace made of her face. It's a constant fight.
He's not mine. Like puppets our limbs dance at the orders of a string. It's fine when we're together. Fine. We use that word a lot. But apart there isn't trust. Just the undeniable urge to run. It's only a test though, but you won't see it that way. You'll turn and go just as I said so.

Lost again. It's not like it was with you. Not like what I know and I can't figure out if that's good or bad. Independence is bliss and I don't need him at all. Freebird. Freebird. Freebird. Let me rediscover her. Reinvent her. Redirect her.New house. New Man. New mindset?

FTale!

You have my heart in your hands.
And I know it's safe there.

Running late for work but I needed to post.
I feel like I'm home with you.

Put it all out there. Be open. Work hard. Love hard. Let the shit go. Keep the good like memories in a box.

Yes Summer has begun and I'm happy to say that I've done a lot already. I've had adventures with my edc friends in walmart. And also late night mostly naked swims with my Hollis. A trip to Long Beach for time with my Bessy (And a Pizooki for two!) and also an amazing afternoon with my favorite aunt-of-an-ex-boyfriend at Bruxie. Which you know included a bacon egg and cheddar Bruxie with waffle fries and a fresh strawburry shake! Ahhh! I love my life. I'm gunna try to journal this summer. And I'm also going to be decorating my new room at my new house, very excited for that! I finally feel like I've let go of all the bad shit in my life, including but not limited to the broken boys I've spent far too much time trying to fix. (Ali, David, Jacob, and you can add Trevers to that list.) I'm so glad I called my own bluff on that one. Anywhoo... from previous posts you can see that I have a lot of plans for this summer and I'm seriously anxious to get started on it all and even to add more things to my list. I'm feeling happy. Even though everything isn't perfect, I'm still feeling ok.
Thanks to the big man and also to the good friends.Bonfire on Friday!
I got a pocket full of sunshine!

"You think for the best. You will always be hopeful but you want the best of people. Only if you could make a recipe and cook it up for the perfect being. Only thing you can hope for is compromise and change... living is learning and loving is passion."
You knew me so well.

The official start to my Summer 2011 begins first thing Thursday morning, as I am to finish my final exams tomorrow afternoon. So I thought I'd get started on a little list of things I want to do this summer.

Buy a Long Board
Six Flags
Learn to Long Board
New Job
Sea World
Throw the Best Bonfire!
Meet a Good Guy
More Shows!
New Wardrobe?
Attend a Festival
Vegas
Take a Photo Challenge
Flirt More!
New Friends
Re-Invent!
Big Bear
New Hobby
Get my Tattoo
Bone Free Summer
Sew Purse
Party at the New House (Pina Coladas in the pool!)
Santa Barbara
Pillow Fight
Kini Body
Do at least 5 free photoshoots
CSUSB ----> CU-Boulder!?

Turned out to be a lot longer than I planned.

"The happiest people don't have the best of everything they just make the best of everything."
I love my faith and it's movement in me.

Simmer. Slimmer. Summer. Slip.
I've forgotten. I've lost something. I know that to stop is what is best. I've lost everything. It has never been enough. I've never found satisfaction or fulfillment. I struggle to pray. I struggle to realize. I struggle, best, to let go. No one can hold me like I need to be held. There is so much more to explore, to understand, to soak up. Take me.

Story of my life.

"That's your problem, stop trying. Surrender!"

Liberate Love!

"I can see what you're trying to mean,

But I can't believe what you're doing to me.

Cuz if you think love, isn't good enough
I'll go find a bird to love.
We can learn a lot together
Even if we're not together
I am glad I found you."

"Fail, fail again, fail better."
Only in failure do you reach success. You can only get to the good stuff when you've done the hard stuff.

House sitting this week. I love it. It makes me so look forward to having my own place. The single downfall to having this whole house to myself is that the doggie I'm watching has possibly the worst gas I've ever smelt. Raunchy awful ass gas. All else is great though. I'm cooking for myself and taking Max for runs in the mornings. I feel grown. And even though at the end of the week I will be going back to what I was, I can't help but feel excited. I'll be twenty one in about thirty-six days. Which is mostly a reminder that I need to work on being more self-sufficient. Autarky.
My family will also be moving out of the house that we've called home, for the last decade, in just a few months. I am anything but ecstatic, but I am trying to look at it as an opportunity to start fresh. A lot of pain lives in that house. Much more than I'd like to carry on with me, but the memories will never be lost.
On another note... at lunch today with my mom, she mentioned a sweet little story about how the man in front of her in the drive-in line at Sips today, bought her breakfast for her. He didn't know her, nor was he trying to be flirtatious, he just wanted to do something nice for another person. A random act of kindness. This got me thinking, what if we all made it a point to do one random act of kindness everyday. What if?
Also... in English we are studying poetry. Which has turned out to be something I never thought I'd enjoy as much as I have. But the point is, we read this poem about a woman with confidence and an amazing sense of pride in her beauty, her body, her grace, herself. It moved me. I got carried away in my thoughts again, dreaming about what it would be like if instead of tearing each other down, we, as women, would praise each other and love one another, loudly. Much more loudly than we are comfortable with. It could be magical. We could build each other up. Tell your sister she looks fantastic and that all her hard work at the gym is paying off. Tell your mother that that you admire her strength in holding everything together. Tell your best friend that she is the most sensational being you have ever met. And be happy for your friends who have found a man to love them, even though you're still searching for your own. And most importantly... compliment yourself on the amazing work you've done and the strength and determination you scrounged up to do it. Admire yourself and remember that the people who mind don't matter and the people who matter don't mind.

"I don’t really believe that there are Artistic people and the opposite. I think there are people who try to be creative or try to look at the world differently and take on the task to report what they’ve seen to others. Humans are innately creative in my opinion and to tap and dig deeper into
that part of your mind is the goal, if that’s what you’re in to. I don’t really know much else to say, other than I see people reject the opportunity to express themselves daily. I never used to feel
comfortable showing people something I created. Self consciousness. And now, just like this blog is an expression of me, I want to get all of what’s in my head out and hopefully do it right so you understand where I’m coming from. But the intention isn’t always achieved and the process of growth to get better at your method of communication, shouldn’t be feared but enjoyed. Life is growth and life is struggle with moments of payoff and enlightenment. I gain inspiration from the opportunity to grow individually and to encourage other people not to worry about judgement, cause everyone had to start somewhere."

-Adam from The New Limb

I am ready. Ready for something. Ready to get out of here. Ready to renovate. Ready to run away. Ready to stop making the same mistakes. Ready to grow. Ready to let go. I think that it is very likely that I might just have to take a leap instead of waiting for an instruction manual on how to start my life to fall into my hands.

Remember... "Maybe the happy ending is knowing that being who we are is good enough and that we can stand on our own two feet. Maybe its knowing that it's okay to be alone." The idea is to be completely sufficient on your own. Accept love and attention when offered it, but never expect it. Take care of yourself and be in love with that!

So technically I have kissed someone in a library before, but it wasn't like this.
I think this would be magnificent.

Beta State
Only a genius poetic thinker would put wings on an elephant.
Oh wait... there was dumbo huh? I'm just now grasping how incredibly metaphorical this is.

The next time someone hurts you, sit and think back about all the people you've harmed in your lifetime and how all those people felt about you. None of it is ever one sided. Talk to them. Fix it. You wouldn't leave a crying baby in dumpster, so don't leave those who have suffered the unfortunate fate of giving a shit in the dumpster either. The truth is we need more people like them. Make it better so the vicious circle of hurt can, at the very least, slow down. So that not another person feels abandoned or let down by anothers lack of empathy. Care MORE! Hide LESS. Because it's in our nature to give a fuck.

It's that time of year again! Get ready for my summer to-do lists!!!! Lets start with books to read: For starters, I have high hopes, I know, but I'd like to read quite a few books this summer. I'd like to focus on three different writers. Sara Dessen, Jenny Han, and Deb Caletti.
Sara Dessen is already one of my favorite reads but she has got a new book out and a couple old ones I have yet to read.
-What Happened to Goodbye
-Dreamland
Jenny Han has three books out that revolve around summer love, my kind of book don't you think?
-The Summer I Turned Pretty
-It's Not Summer Without You
-We'll Always Have Summer
Deb Caletti is another author I just heard about who has written eight novels that I know I'd enjoy reading. While I know that reading them all isn't very realistic I do want to hit at least three of them.
-Honey, Baby, Sweetheart
-The Nature of Jade
-Queen of Everything
-Stay
-Wild Roses
-The Secret Life of Prince Charming
-The Six Rules of Maybe
-The Fortunes of Indigo Skye
Also... I would really like to read some classic literature, but I know my patience for those sort of books is very thin. So we'll see how far I get. I won't be taking classes this summer so hopefully I have time to read read read!

Belong.
Where?
And to whom?

Belong: To be proper, appropriate, or suitable
Belong: To have in one's possession. (Often{to belong})
Belong: To be a part of something else.
Belong: To fit well in a defined place.
Belong: Be rightly placed in a specified position.
Belong: To fit into a group naturally.
Belong: To be in an appropriate situation or environment
Belong: Be rightly classified in or assigned to a specified category.

Belong!

"Take all that you have and turn it into something you were missing."

"Sometimes you can take good things from bad people."

Once you have felt love, you spend the rest of your life searching for it and coming up short. Because first love, though damaging as it may be, is powerful. It's moving. I am still convinced I have never been in love. I have loved. And I have been loved, but I have never been in love. I believe when you fall in love you never fall out. So instead I say, I have fallen for love... numerous times, and here I am, still searching. Please, leave me with books. And keep me with my God because a life built on destruction is not one I'd like to participate in. I surrender.

What will make you feel whole again?
Maybe you never will. Is it possible that life is all about the struggle?

Hello beautiful girl, I just felt you needed a little reminder... You are going to make it through all of this. Your work is going to pay off, I swear. Keep your chin up and hold on. Get this done. So you can start your new chapter in a new place. I wish I could hug you and make it all alright. I wish that was enough. I wish you had someone to make it enough. But in the absence of someones you have yourself... you have me. Hold on girl. Just 5 more weeks.

I like to imagine that you were happy, happy in a warm way."I don't want to fall for you and this is the only way. I'm sorry. I thought it might work, but I'm not ready. And this new job is next week. I won't ever be around and I don't want to be worrying about a relationship. Go ahead and yell at me, I've already prepared myself for the speel. I know I'm an asshole, but right now I don't care what anyone says. I'm doing my thing. And I'm sorry I led you on. goodnight."

How about you just don't make rules for it this time. Don't jump in but also don't hold back.

I kissed someone in the precipitation the other night. It should have been you. It didn't make it better, only you could have done that. And now I'm out. I'm free. Free Free Free like only this Bird could be. You are going to be ok. I am going to be ok. But you and I will never again be "ok".

Found these words and I'm still having trouble convincing myself I didn't write them first so therefore they are worthy of a post."If it's true that every heartache makes you stronger, I'm going to be bulletproof one of these days.
Sick of having to be guarded with everyone, sick of acting like nothing hurts, sick of convincing myself I'm over it.
I hate dreaming that you're next to me and waking up alone.
I hate that you let me down, I hate that you broke your promises, I hate that you still have this hold on me, but what I hate the most is that I'd take you back in a heartbeat and all this would still mean nothing to you.
I thought you were decent, I thought you were a man.
Stupid girl, should've known."
-Kaleidoscope Girl

"In order to rebuild something. You must first tear it down."

"All my nightmares escaped my head
Bar the door, please don't let them in
You were never supposed to leave
Now my head's splitting at the seams."
-Radical Face

"I want you. I want you today. I'll want you tomorrow. And I wanted you yesterday. I keep telling you I am here. I keep telling you I'm not going anywhere, and you don't give a shit. I want to be here with you. I want to help you and you to help me. I want you to trust me. But you don't and you don't care about me. I'm just entertainment for you, every couple of months until you decide to be a dick to me. I told you I wanted to stay happy with you. You're ruining it and it's only been four days. Just stop it. Let me fucking in. Or don't. But I don't want to fuck or fight. I want to be real. Because missing you sucks and fighting with you sucks. I only win when we're happy."
"You're only happy when you win."
"Well this time you win."Intimacy with our fingers and toes. Legs in your lap and truth in the air, you chose me. For the very first time. "And don't go saying I'm not trying." I met you half way, but it was much further for you. I was glad. Calluses like metaphors. Jokes like memories. I loved the window. I loved that color. I loved your shoes. Reverse. Reverse. Reverse.

I miss my baby Gem Gem. (On a side note, I need to dress her up like the babies above!) It's been a week since I've cuddle with her cuteness. But I must dedicate a portion of this post to her daddy. Happy Birthday Jared, know that you are truly missed and we're taking good care of the very best thing you left behind. She's a lot like you, in only the good ways of course. I hope you know that.