I'm not going to give it power. I'm not going to make it count for anything, because it doesn't. Its just loneliness. It's just a little empty whole we could only fill if we were brave enough to listen to our hearts and not our heads. But in the game of life, which one is right? I'm going to be your friend no expectations. Live it right. Put God first. Be brave enough and bold enough to trust that.

"If I read our story backwards, it's about how I unbroke your heart and then we were happy until one day... one day when you forgot about me forever."

#greeneyes #photography #deaddaddycrew #smileslikecandy #childofGod #myila #homeyesiamhome

"Do you remember that day you fell outta my window?
      I sure do ‒ you came jumping right out after me.
 Well, you fell on the concrete, nearly broke you ass, you were bleeding all over the place, I rushed you out to the hospital, you remember that?
     Yes, I do.
Well there's something I never told you about that night
     What didn't you tell me?
Well, while you were sitting in the back seat smoking a cigarette you thought was gonna be your last, I was falling deep, deeply in love with you, and I never told you till just now!
Home, let me come home, home is wherever I'm with you"

Get a grip Jones. Stupid Coincidences.

I don't want to come second anymore when you've always been first for me. My happiness will not depend on others anymore. " I regret not making you mine." So many things that should never have been said and so many more things that should have been said but never were. Sometimes it means everything with you say nothing.

 Goodnight and Goodbye.

I hold it all in. Don't say too much. Don't wait too long. Don't do it if you don't want to. I put my head on my knees and think about the last 24 hours. It felt like I was 18 again. Wishing so muchly that you'd just put your  hand to my hair or that you wouldn't look away. I stayed on my side of the car. I kept my hands to myself. Pop Pop Pop Pop. Then I tried to pry the gum from your mouth. I had forgotten what it was like to play. The tightening of my chest when your fingers barely touch my arm. It was comfortable. The silence was comfortable and the hours passed too quickly. I wanted to be the one to say when it was time to go. I wanted the upper hand. "Say when." We both know I would have never said 'when'. I felt like myself. Or my old self. I don't know which self I really am anymore. When I'm with him I'm Brittaney and when I'm with you I'm Britone. When it's just me... I'm Bird. [Then what about Bessy, Brit, Jonesy, Breen & Bee?] I am them all and I don't want to choose one. I can't choose one. I took it out of my hands. I shouldn't be the one saying so much. I shouldn't be so up front about what I'm feeling if the reciprocation is quite scarce at the least. I just want my friend. I just want to make it ok to have fun with my friend, without any thirst for more. I have my man. He loves me hard and openly. It's safe there but I miss the fire. I think when it comes to things like this, where you look at it and just see two choices. There is usually a third choice hiding somewhere. And that choice is neither. Drop it all and give me my God. I feel like only when I start to put my God first and living a life I can be proud of is when I will truly be fulfilled. And although I already know this to be true I know its still going to take some time to get there. I want you to walk with me. 

From the Free Bird... 3 years ago.

"If I could paint a picture of who I want to be in 10 years, I wonder what it would look like. In my mind this image slowly comes into frame. My hair messy. A studio apartment unorganized yet full of character and art. Lots of art. And color. Dogs at my side in the kitchen. And clothes everywhere. Sketches and notes too. Reminders all over the fridge with pictures of my fantastic friends. My friends and their growing families and their smiles and our memories. My work bench will be covered in my latest project, the same goes for my kitchen table, which I'd never eat at because I'd much prefer the couch or the floor. The place may be a mess but nothing will ever be lost and the dishes will always be done. The largest wall in the apartment would be consumed of filled book shelves. And in my spare time, I'd read, everything. I'd be educated. And completely obsessed and absorbed with nothing at all. I'd be successful. With successfully having written and published a magical work of almost fiction and several books of inspirational thoughts and quotes. I'd be designing. Magazines, rooms, homes, lives. I'd be independent and in love with my independence. But real love would be just around the corner, just waiting to creep up on me. But this time he'd be a keeper and a new painting would begin to take shape."

But humans are so complex. We're not static beings. We have infinitely many parts that make up our whole and all too often we try to simplify what is unsimplifyable. I am unsimplifyable and so were you but I still tried my hardest to make you simple.

"Wanted a longer hug. Wanted to talk longer."
"Why'd you let me go then?"
"I was afraid you'd feel uncomfortable. Wish you'd held on longer."
"I thought YOU would feel uncomfortable. You should have held on longer."
"Don't let me go next time... Even if I pull away first."

"Ok. I won't "

Day 1

Feeling stronger today. Much stronger. I stopped reading the "Fifty Shades" books. They were undoubtedly rotting my brain. Went for a run this morning with my sis and my stepdad and I pushed hard. Harder than I thought I could and I put this image in my head that made me go farther. Someone else's happiness is what pushed me, but not in a jealousy sort of way. More like if I pushed harder I could make them happier. I dedicated my run today. And tomorrow I will do the same. Starting a new blog. It'll be called "Restart My Heart". The blog will be about this: A happier healthier Birdy Journey. Focusing on getting fit and becoming more of what I want to be. I'm feeling like this blog has been a lot about my weaknesses and I recognize that they are important, but I also do not want to sulk in them anymore. Four years and over 400 post mostly about the weak girl I was with a guy. Or many guys for that matter. Now that makes me sound like a floozy but if you've been listening you know the real story. That's besides the point though. I'm keeping this blog and I'll probably still be posting but I'm really pumped about starting fresh. Thats all for today.

    When I am feeling at my weakest I have made it a habit to pray. I step back and take a look at it all and recognize that I have no control over any of it. It's not in my hands anymore and maybe it never was. 

So long, friend. So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.So long, friend.

Happy Father's Day Daddy. Even with two amazing father figures in my life {My Pawpaw & my new stepdad Stevie} it's still hard to not miss you. Have a great big bowl of ice cream for me up there! 

I love you. 

The mornings are always the hardest. My creative mind at play, when I think of all the should-have & would-haves. Today I'm trying to focus on the now. Right now I need my God. Right now I need my sense of self. Right now I need to grab a hold on something and let all else go. The End.

Cliché but Still True

"He is sensible and so incredible and all my single friends are jealous. He says everything I need to hear and it's like I couldn't ask for anything better. He opens up my door and I get into his car and he says you look beautiful tonight. And I feel perfectly fine, but I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain. It's 2am and I'm cursing your name. You're so in love that you act insane and that's the way I loved you. Breaking down and coming undone. It's a roller coaster kind of rush. And I never knew I could feel that much. And that's the way I loved you. He respects my space and never makes me wait. And he calls exactly when he says he will. He's close to my mother. Talks business with my father. He's charming and endearing And I'm comfortable. But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain It's 2am and I'm cursing your name. You're so in love that you act insane. And that's the way I loved you. Breaking down and coming undone. It's a roller coaster kinda rush. I never knew I could feel that much and that's the way I loved you. He can't see the smile I'm faking and my heart's not breaking. Cause I'm not feeling anything at all and you were wild and crazy. Just so frustrating, intoxicating, complicated, got away by some mistake and now. I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain. It's 2am and I'm cursing your name."

Once upon a time, there was a girl. Now isn't that how all of these stories begin? Her eyes, emerald green with long tangles of auburn waves reaching down the length of her back. Sweetly innocent and charming with her naivety, she spent her days lost in vivid dreams. Longing for a love that she had only read of in her books. Oh the many books. The Happily Ever Afters and The Unrequited Tragedies, these books were her vicariously lived life. She entertained the attempts at romance of a few gentlemen callers, though none left a lasting impression on the young lady. The faults and flaws were recognized early on and the girl gracefully said her goodbyes knowing fully well in her heart that she needed more. She watched them walk away outside her window and found herself distracted by the beauty of the birds in the trees. Wings spread widely and gliding through the wind, without a care in the world, the birds flew, coming and going as they pleased, when they pleased. Over time the girl lost interest in her dreams. She tucked them tightly away and went out in the world to find something else. If the love she longed for wasn't out there, she was going to find a new kind of love. She began a journey to freedom. Like the birds outside her window she wanted to soar. Early in her journey she found a friend, a fellow flyer, looking for the same escape the gem eyed girl had been searching for. They had little to nothing in common, in fact the only thing they could agree on was the brilliance of grape jelly and of course the joy each of them found in the others company. He was tall, strong and guarded, with deep hazel eyes a person could drown in. While she was short, soft and curious. They flew together for years, disagreeing, fighting, making up, coming and going as they pleased when they pleased, but they always found their way back to one another. Learning more and more about the other and themselves upon each rising sun. Each of them found something that they had been missing, inside the other. She showed him the beauty of each day and he taught her how to take risks.Time passed and the two slowly discovered new individual passions that neither could fulfill for the other, so they took flight in opposing directions. As the seasons changed, the girl and her friend both found new mates that respectively brought each of them great joy. Retiring their wings, they decided it was time to settle into a more stable life on solid ground. A life of consistency and compromise, but something was always missing. The fire. The passion. Like magnets there was always a pull, but time got the best of each of them. Time and fear. Sifting through her old belongings, the girl stumbled upon her forgotten dreams. The dreams she had once tucked tightly away. Awakening her dreams, she realized something she didn't know she ever had. Her dreams had come true while she wasn't looking. Everything she longed for, the never-ending kind of tie to someone else that she had read about all those ages ago, she had it all. So she sought him out. Her fellow flyer. Her deep eyed dream. She found him and knew with just one look that she was right. That even though they had not been together, could not be together, they still had each others love. This is not like all the other fairy tales. No, not at all. There isn't a happy ending. No grand gesture to bring them together once and for all. They had lives now. They had people who loved them and who they loved, dearly, right back. It isn't ideal. No, not in the least bit. That wonder for what could have been will never go away. But that's the essence of life and it's beautiful. To know that you have love. Despite everything else. That never ending love... it doesn't go away. 

Closure comes at a price. 

But it was a price I had to pay.

Flipping through the pages. One chapter closes and another begins, knowing very well that everything that has occured up until now in this novel, that is your life, will effect the outcome of your story. Will your ending be happy? Traumatic? Tragic? Will your conclusion leave a question hanging to challenge your readers to change their own lives? For better or for worse? Will you inspire them? Or will you cripple them with fear?

It doesn't matter, just as long as they read.

Parts of me stayed with you. Portions of my whole are hollow and probably always will be, regaurdless of whether I can forgive or not. Nothing can be undone and what you have made me will not likely be unmade.

"The most painful goodbyes are the ones that were never said and never explained."

So today I stumbled upon a cute little blog made by some teenage girls in the midwest and it reminded me a whole lot of my self during the last summer of my high school career. If you have ever met me you know that I am the queen of lists and Summer Lists have always been my favorite. These girls created a blog for their Summer Bucket List, check it out... WhatTheBucketList! It's super cute and I'm so tempted to try a handful of the things on the list. I also want to make my own list... only bummer is I'm technically an adult now and could potentially get arrested for a few of my ideas so we'll see how this goes. I sure do remember the good old days though.





A Repost if You Will

This was me a year ago! "Today my skin itches. I am an independent being. I am fully capable of taking care of myself. I don't need anyone at my bedside when I am ill and I don't need to know that you care with flowers. I am smart. I am sassy. I am strong. Stronger than you may think and I am so unique. You'll never find anyone like me. Never and nowhere. I am all my own. I sleep in my panties because I'm most comforted by 3 heavy blankets on my bed but the addition of sweatpants just makes me sweat. I like to lift my hands during worship in church, mostly when I know the lyrics to the song and I can feel love growing inside my chest. I smile in church too. I promise myself no sweets and I cheat. I dream about cupcakes. I cry because all my favorite people are just too far away from me and there is nothing I can do to change that. I have two boxes of tissues in my room because I found that having two was far less work than one. I dance when my phone rings. I like to feel, and I love people who feel too. I have never found more pleasure in my life than when I look at someone and they just know. They know everything that's wrong or right and they know just what to say or not to say. I am an independent being and I like things my way. But when I love you. When I truly love you, I'll like things your way too. But then how independent does that make me? So I've remained single, mostly because when I love I give away piece of myself and I don't know how to successfully go on being an independent being all while whole-heartedly loving anyone other than myself. This whole damn world is full of vicious circles... you break me, I break you back and it will stay that way until the day when it's not. Until we all figure out that it's not about getting even it's about letting go and loving regardless of the circumstances. Thank you to those who have loved me regardless. It has meant more than everything to me."

And this is still me today... Very few things have changed. I still cry because all my favorite people are too far away and I still give away pieces of my heart. The difference is... someone gave me a piece of his heart this past year. He's my match, my missing part, my everything. He loves me even when I'm most difficult, because he "loves me all the time not just when we're getting along." He knows I "need the most love when I'm pissed at him." And that's how you break the vicious cycle, you find someone who loves you as dearly as you love them. You learn compromise. Give and take. You give it all you have got and you take what you're given. And it fills you because you know the point is not winning. You've already won. The point is that you realize that it's not about what you want but what your relationship needs. My faith has been a large part in getting me here. Its also a big reason why I haven't posted in so long. But there is no reason why I can't have both. I think I'll be needing both. 

I have done a lot of ruining in my day. Not just today but all of my days. I've often let myself get carried away in a thought or feeling rather than a rational idea. This unfiltering of my messy thoughts frequently result in fair consequenses. And I understand this. I know that even a fool who has kept silent will be thought wise. For some uncomprehensible reason though... I cannot for the life of me keep my big mouth shut. I'm working on it... trying to be more aware of myself and the light or lack of light that I will be seen in by others and its proving to be slightly more difficult than I thought. I wasn't always this way though. As a young lady I was very reserved. Sweet and polite. Couldn't curse a fly. But there was a point along the way that a monster was made and these days thats all anyone ever gets to see. Of course I have good intentions, I mean no harm to others I just can't manage to turn my filter on. It causes problems for me everywhere I go, work, home, with friends and the boyf. The conclusion of come to is that I need to be more grace-filled. To have more love in my heart and in my behaviors. So that is just what I intend to do.

On a side note. It feels good to be back here. Talking about the things floating in my head. Trev was getting tired of hearing about my quests and I've alienated most everyone else with the above mentioned unfiltered messiness. So maybe this will help. Talking to another version of myself. To you... whoever is listening. I'm very excited. Not for anything specific but just simply excited.

This

"So this is my life.

And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad.

And I'm still trying to figure out how that could be."

Fresh Start

The amount of time that has pasted and the alarming speed it went at, is heart breaking. There is so much that we've missed together, but as you know very well.... life does not stop and wait for any of us. Dreams came true, of course not in the ways that we imagined them to. Hearts were changed, for the better but also for the worst. But happily I say, I am still your free bird. As I float through the ideas of where I want to go, what I want to do, and who I want to do it all with I am faced with some overwhelming thoughts to do with how lost I am and have been. Then I take a breath and realize this is where I have always been. There is this little thing that has a strange way of sneaking up on me. Sticking like gum to my shoe. It is there even when I'm not aware and each step I take, there is a bit that goes with me to the next step and the many that follow. I don't know what to call it though... it's all the things that make up who you are... your dreams, your fears, the scars from your past and the hidden desires that we are ashamed to admit. It's me. It's you. It's who you were yesterday and who you will be a decade from now. This part does not go away. In me... my part is this... being lost... looking for more... how to be better... how to be stronger... how to help... how to not try to help. There is more but its not relevant. However what I am saying is... I don't want to be afraid of this anymore. This place I speak of. I've tried over and over to turn it off. Telling myself that its ugly, that it can be fixed, that I'd be better off without it... but I wouldn't. I would be someone else... or no one. Without it what would make me unique? What would make me whole or complete? So I'm telling you this is mine. My place. My sticking gum on my shoe. I'm back. And I'm here to stay. Life is not a race... it's a journey!