"I don't think you can ever fill the empty spaces of the things you've lost... I don't think your missing pieces ever fit inside you again once they go missing."

“Perhaps I would have lost the longing for knowledge, instead, been so blissfully ignorant of how much there is to know and explore in this goddamn beautiful world.”

Ok so I miss it. Not you, but the pancakes. A sad but true fact.Sweet Potato Pancakes, you complete me!

Paralysed and Gleaming

"You're not deceiving

And if I could find your heart
I would pull it from your chest
And smash it with my fist
Til it was beating."

"People often say that this or that person has not yet found himself. But the self is not something one finds, it is something one creates."

There is a catalyst headed straight at me. I can feel it. The ground is rumbling and a picture keeps reappearing in my mind. It's a house on Haight street in San Franscisco from a novel I once read about a man who fell in love with a hippie woman. Who knows where I found the image, I thought it was packed in a box in the attic that is my mind. But it's now unpacked and I am painting the walls and Harli is there, sleeping on a vintage green sofa. I'm barefoot and there is paint on my toes. I leave trails of foot-print shaped paint stamps all over the gorgeous hardwood floors and surprisingly I do not care. I'm happy and laughing that laugh that comes from somewhere deep inside your core. Someone is with me but I cannot recognize them nor see their face. It's like I am blind to only them, I feel so unfamiliar but also so comfortable. I reach out and try to touch them and they slip away, like a child's game of Marco Polo they dance around me. I can feel their eyes on me and I can hear their smile, when they move I can sense the air around them moving too. But as badly as I want to see them, to know them they are still invisible. I feel warm though and I know this all sounds so strange but I can see it, the warmth. As random and out there as it is... it serves in a way as my inspiration, my inclination, my catalyst. I don't mean to say that I want to live in San Fransisco in an old Victorian house, any house will do. I mean that I want that feeling. To have love dancing all around me and I can't see it but I can feel it. And it's mine. It's messy but it's mine.

For the past few weeks I've been imagining my life told through a story. Sure I'd only have chapters in a seemingly infinite novel, but I keep day dreaming about how I'd tell the story. And in doing this I begin to remember more and more about my beginnings, the way I felt when I first saw him or met them. And how I developed relationships with people who where once living on a completely separate life track, those who now weave in an out of my own life track often. I want to tell all the rises and falls and tighten up all the loose ends. So I can begin to see all the blank pages still ahead of me instead of trying to go back and re-write the pages of my past.

It's clear to me now more than ever that I have changed so much in the last year. I am much more tattered and worn, like a book on a wooden shelf in some old professor's office. I have lost more people than I ever could have imagined, many of which I could have bet that I would have literally died without. But I am still breathing and the world spins madly on.

"She's got a smile that it seems to me
Reminds me of childhood memories
Where everything
Was as fresh as the bright blue sky
Now and then when I see her face
She takes me away to that special place."Welcome to the world little miss Gemma Jarah Marivani. You are the most perfect and beautiful sweet little girl that anyone will ever have the pleasure of knowing. And I am so glad to say that you are mine! My little niece. After hours of waiting, you finally came along once I finally leave the hospital for some dinner. I was sitting at this janky but delicious dinner joint enjoying a tastey hot pastrami sandwich when I get the news that you made your way out of your warm little womb. Just seconds later Guns 'N Roses comes on the radio in the restraunt singing "Sweet Child 'O Mine" so I declare it your anthem and proceed to scarf down half of my sandwich so I can hurry back to see your precious little face. Let me just tell you princess... You were well worth the wait. I adore you already and I've only known you just a couple of hours. See you tomorrow sweet girl I can't wait to see what this world has in store for you.Born: December 1st, 2010 at 7:53pm
Weight: 7lbs 14.6ounces
Height: 20 inches

"I think I saw you in my sleep, darling,

I think I saw you in my dreams, you were

Stitching up the seams on every broken promise

That your body couldn't keep

I think I saw you in my sleep."
I wish I saw them in my dreams, stitching up all those broken promises. I wish I had that closure. I can make it. I know that but I wish they'd all just return to me in my sleep to clean up the mess they've made of my heart and my brain. Then when I awake in the morning, I'll be refreshed and unbroken. I'll be someone well put together, with her head screwed on right, someone who doesn't carry around all the broken pieces of her heart. Why can't I ever let anything go??? I don't know how to move on.
On a separate note... I want an old-school Polaroid camera! Especially since my little baby niece is on her way in to this world as I write these words. Jeeps this had been a very crappy night so far and I've got hours ahead of me of study time if I want to pass this damn psych class. I've been messing up big on the school front. I don't know how I'm going to get my shit all together in the next two weeks but I'm going to try. Dammit. I need some freaking friends. But I'm too much of a bitter-uppidy-better-than-everyone-else-super-skank to sustain meaningful relationships at a close distance. Man I hate that I can have such a nice blog one day only to be followed by this lame depressing crap. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and just man the fuck up because in reality no one can fix me but me. ;(

I know what I want. I mean I don't but I know this feeling that I'm looking for. Not in a man or any kind of relationship but with myself. The feeling I want out of life. I took a picture of my dream and I set it as the background on my phone as a sort of motive to get there. Even though I have no IDEA how it's going to happen, I still get extremely excited everytime I open my phone. It's like it doesn't matter how far away it is, I know what I want. I know I want to create. I know I want to make a difference and I know that I don't want it to be about money but more about love. I'm wearing less make-up these days and I like it. I haven't gotten fluttery feelings for a guy in months and I'm not too worried about it. I love my body and my hobbies. I love my messy ways. I love that my nail polish is always chipped and that my dog spoons with me when it gets cold. I love that I am not perfect and that I don't need to please anyone else. I love that I don't need to be with someone to be happy. And that I'm actually more happy on my own. I love the way my mind works and that I am strong and independent. I love that I am my own hero. I love that I read silly self-help books about how to make my life better and more fullfilling and that I take notes as I do it. I love that I have dreams and lots of them. I love that I am the type of girl who cries during sappy movies and that I break out my box set of The O.C. every year around the holidays. I love that I am so filled with love. I love that I have survived, I know I'm broken and counter-intuitive but I am wearing my flaws like a sexy outfit these days and it's fine by me. Take it or leave it, but you know "I'm not going to change for anyone." This is the first time I can say that and actually believe it.

"Ruin is the Road to Transformation."

"Sometimes lies are not lies, sometimes they are love."

"What you could not change has changed you."

Currently I am sitting in bed, scatter brained with my laptop to my side and the rest of the bed covered in job applications and school books. This is my life and I am finally okay with it. I talked to Ky today. It made my day sparkle. I know I haven't been a great friend and instead of putting me through the wringer like I know I would have done, he just let us pick up right where we left off. I love that. He's better than me and I love that too. I actually despise having friends that act just like me, I find it annoying and condescending. I'd much rather know someone who uses their own mind and voices their own opinion and I think that is quite apparent in the friendship choices I have made. I am actually doing very well these days without my facebook. Same goes for constant communication, I'm content with my phone off and put away now. I like that. I like using my brain and being able to thing instead of a continuous conversation being played out in my head 24/7. It's good to have a break. I feel like I'm progressing and I am glad for that. I am trying to write down 5 things everyday that I like about myself. As a little reminder as to why I should believe I am so great. haha I was thinking about putting them on here but I thought that might be a little conceited so I decided against it. But it's happening nonetheless and that is what matters. More and more lately I've been thinking about my bookstore and bakery. I literally cannot wait for the chance to make it all happen. I want to start reading more too (Bradbury?). And maybe taking a baking class, just to see if I'd really be into it. I don't know, we'll see. Sleep now for me. I've got a thousand things to check off my list for tomorrow. ;D

Everything that has happened has changed me. I am clay. Each blow I take changes me. It morphs my very foundation. Craters consume me. But you know, there's beauty in that. I had this dream last night, it was just happy and filled with possibilities instead of being weighed down by history and old battle wounds. As much as I want to be level headed and realistic, I always fall back into hope no matter how tragic the outcome looks. But you know, that's who I am. I feel like I'm finished with trying to change myself. I don't want to be hard. I don't want to be someone else. I just want to be me. For the longest time I've convinced myself that wasn't enough. And for the longest time I have been completely unfulfilled. So I'm letting go of those insecurities. I am high maintenance, nosy, sensitive, opinionated, emotional, and irrational to say the least. But you know, I'm ok with that. I'm going to rock my flaws instead of trying to suppress them. Because this person I've been for the last year is still a stranger to me. And I don't want to get to know her. She has been defining herself based upon the men that inhibit her emotional growth. Wrong. Wrong.Wrong. But you know, at least I can see it.

Are there other people out there who think like me? I meant I've read about them. I've read many magical words that could have easily snuck out of my lips in my sleep but I've never met another person who simply understood me 100%. And you know, maybe that is what is real. You never really know anyone, you can never be in their head completely, you can never predict their next move and maybe that's how it should be. They mystery of not knowing is what drives us. Or is it the mystery of proving our expectations right? Shit I don't know. I'm so beyond lost I can't even understand what I am trying to say, let alone what I am thinking. But I'm sitting here eating my banana flavored yogurt, wishing I was from somewhere exotic or at the very least somewhere interesting where they, as a society, instill valuable lessons on morality and how to be self sufficient by the age of twenty, while I procrastinate on my art paper that is 4 days late and probably will not be accepted. I am sooooo fucking lost. I can't juggle my shit. And I can't start fresh. I can't move forward because I've left so much unfinished and I can't go back because time is evil and vindictive and thinks it to be funny when I try to rewind my life like a tivo box to try over what I didn't do right in the first place. The sad fact here is that I need to pass these classes that I keep ditching. I need to pass them to get out of this hell hole. But the hell hole is what's keeping me from passing. And I've spoiled myself. I've learned to treat myself often to the things that make me happy and in turn I have not learned how to be self sufficient by the age of twenty. And I also haven't learned to accept responsibility for my actions, I just keep making excuses for why shit sucks. Go fix yourself. Go fix yourself. Go fix yourself. How do you do it without the inspiration? I want to be me again but I don't know how to find her, or if I ever knew her at all. I'm going to turn the phone off. Deactivated the facebook. And hope to God that I can find some worth in my life. Cuz fuck! Something is wrong. None of this is enough.

"This pain, this dying, this is just normal. This is how life is. In fact, I realize, there never was an earthquake. Life is just this way, broken, and I am crazy for dreaming of something else."
-Miranda July

This is the first day of my life! I'm not missing any part of my past. I accept that some people are dead and others have simply left, and it's okay. Because I have tomorrow. I'm not going to hold myself to anymore obligations. Farewell to making and wasting time. I'm sorry that you love me, and I can't love you back the way you want it. I do love you though. And I've been on both ends of this, it's not easy but it is real. And if you remember correctly that is what I am about. So just be happy. Neither of us got what we wanted and we probably never will. Make it what you want though. Farewell to the pain and misery, to the wanting. Because the unwanting feels sooo good.

"If your ship doesn't come in, swim out to it!"So I'm feeling stuck again. In a lot of ways I am sticking myself, but I'm becoming slightly more aware of it slowly. I gotta change it all again and as usual I'm afraid and also excited. Through a conversation with an ex I learned something about myself, he told me that I am constantly changing because I'm so afraid of becoming one of them. "One of your sisters, your mom, your dad..." the list goes on but he told me this and it sounds strange but it made me smile. He figured me out long before I ever had the idea spelled out in my head. And then I ran into this idea again yesterday at lunch with my adoptive aunt Michelle, she said "You love them, but you don't ever want to be like them." And that's it. The foundation for all of my behavior. The driving force in my life. Get out. Don't end up this way. Make something more out of your life. Love them, but also love you. Realize that your family will always be there, shit may get ugly, it may all come crumbling down but with family there is always another chance. But the same cannot be said for opportunities in your life.

"To me that's really alive. That kind of half nauseous, half beautiful feeling." -Miranda July

My wish for my baby niece who is on the way.
"This is my little girl. She is brave and clever and funny. She will have none of the problems that I have. Her heart will never be broken. She will never be humiliated. Self-doubt will not devour her dreams."

"From your limited human perspective, you cannot understand all the factors why someone exhibits a certain behavior; why and on what level they have chosen it; its relation to their life purpose; what they are learning from it; where it is ultimately leading them; and how it fits into the choices and lessons of others with whom they interact. All you see is one piece in a muli-billion piece jigsaw, and it would be presumptuous and preposterous to imagine you see the whole puzzle."

My life, is a mess. I'm all over the place, hoping dreaming, wishing and I get nowhere with it.

"But it feels like someone else is writing all of this... Still me, Still me... I'm okay, okay... So just stay, just stay."

So earlier today I was sitting here thinking about what I want out of life. Who I want to be, what I want to achieve and who I want to be by my side while I do it. To say the least my goals are hardly attainable, but not completely impossible. For example I not only want a degree that enables a career in design but I also want to open a bookstore/cupcake bakery. I want to dabble in photography, drive a fuel efficient car and live in a contemporary artsy high ceiling apartment with little pekey pups and a gold fish named Lola. I want to have a goodies drawer with candy and toys for all my little nieces & nephews and I want to send out Christmas cards every year. I want love, lots of it and success. And I want Ky, Mego, Rissa, Brana, Ali and a few others all to still be a part of my world. I want to be the type of person who runs marathons and gives back to the community. I want to be the type of person that people admire. Okay, so aside from all my career goals, my list is pretty do-able. No scratch that, even with my crazy career ideas, I'm gunna make it happen. Oh and on a side note... I'd also like to live in Australia for a little while, get a tattoo, ride a mechanical bull, and learn to longboard. Ahhh I'm glad I got that written out, now I can get started makin it happen. I'm positive that there's more but I'll get too carried away if I keep going. I'm already happy to say that I feel like I'm on the right path to becoming this woman, and I'm excited for that. In a big way.

It may be childish and immature but I just have to say it. I was right! I was so right and I never should have let you make me believe that I wasn't. Your cocky ass bullshit should have sent me running long before I did and I'm so glad that your too chicken shit to face it, cuz that would have been just more time I've wasted on you. So for the sake of my sanity I just wanted to tell you that you are dumb. I know what a freaking Handlebar mustache is. Not to be confused with a Fu Manchu. And I know this is the silliest rant I've ever had with myself but after the months of being made out to feel inferior and to question my own intelligence it means a lot to know that I was right. On multiple accounts. So here's a big skrew you to the biggest tyrant I know. I'd take it all back if I could. You did however teach me one thing, I'll never again put up with another ass hole like you."When everything is lonely I can be my own bestfriend."

"You know what's wrong with you, Miss Whoever-you-are? You're chicken, you've got no guts. You're afraid to stick out your chin and say, 'Okay, life's a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness.' You call yourself a free spirit, a 'wild thing,' and you're terrified somebody's gonna stick you in a cage. Well baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somali-land. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself."

-Breakfast at Tiffany's

Lets try something new.

"We will tear you up, take what you love, and burn it down, and burn it down."

"You might love me, but it doesn't make up for the shit you've done to me. Let me go. The books will keep me warm and the pineapple will keep me sweet. Come back when you've changed, and when you want just what I want. Come back when I don't want you anymore. Because really, my heart has gone bankrupt."

"Realize that everything you think you know is going to change. Don't expect things to stay the same forever; accept the possibility of facing the unknown and go with it. You'll be a stronger person for it."

My face is asymmetrical. My heart may be too, but it's like this that I like it. You might also like it, but it doesn't matter all that much to me. Cuz when the silence gets too loud I know all I have too do is breathe. I'm constantly giving my everything away. But I'll take your words and make them my own."This time she won't let her guard down so easily." The END.

"I hope you want to stay for a very long time, because my heart really likes you."

"Sometimes you have to forget what you want to remember what you deserve. Because you are of infinite worth." I need a new blog!
This old girl just ain't doing the trick no more and I'm getting really tired of rereading all my whiny crap. So I apologize to the few of you that do read this page, you know, for all the whiny-ness. Oh and if I ever fulfill my dreams and open a snazzy bookstore of my own I'd so call it Love & Books, unless of course a better more catchy name comes along.

Got a rock in my shoe. And I can't kick it out. Figuratively speaking of course.

I want to write an autobiography, as vain as it sounds... I want to tell my story. More than anything so that I can show my true self, messy, dirty and straight to the core. As I sit here thinking about the places I've been, I can't help but wonder about all the places that are to come. And I'm very much excited for them but I'm realizing once again that I can't rely on anyone person for consistencey, which is an extreme disadvantage but one I'm being forced to come to terms with. I'd like to clear away all my attachments, all but maybe two or three people (M&K) and just start fresh with new people and new ties and new beginnings. I'm so exhausted on being let down and I'm so horribly worn out from biting my tongue about it. It should be ok for me to let you know that I think your an asshole for not returning my call or responding to my attempt to reach out to you, unless it's convenient for you. It should be ok for me to be upset. But apparently it isn't. We (or at least I) live in a world where supressing our emotions is the norm. Communication is not welcomed unless it merely scratches the surface of the truth, to go deeper than that would just be uncomfortable. What is completely unfathomable about this for me is that we ALL want More! We all sit around, complaining about how we never really know anyone or how we thought we new them and they completly shocked us. A little secret, people rarely change. I mean the odds are seriously stacked against you, really. We are all exactly who we are, always. And everyone hides it like its a bad thing to have flaws. Hellooooo! Be real already! Tell the world who you are, show us your scars, and if the world doesn't love you for them then you know I sure as fuck will. I need a revolution. We all do, really. This society is a shit hole, and you can bet your bottem dollar that I will not be residing in California for the entirety of my life. Surely there must be more out there, otherwise why would I have thoughts like these. Arggg... I need more. I need something to hold on to.
Australia? Alaska? Washington? North Carolina?"Isn't it ironic that we ignore those who adore us, adore those who ignore us, hurt those who love us, and love those who hurt us."

‎"There's no such thing as the perfect soulmate. If you meet someone and you think they're perfect, you better run as fast as you can in the other direction, cause your soulmate is the person that pushes your buttons, pisses you off on a regular basis & makes you face your shit." -Madonna ♥

"This is your life. Do what you love and do it often. If you don't like something, change it. If you don't like your job, quit. If you don't have enough time, stop watching TV. If you're looking for the love of your life, stop; they will be waiting for you when you start doing things you love. Stop over-analyzing, all emotions are beautiful. Life is simple. When you eat, appreciate every last bite. Open your mind, arms, and heart to new things and people, we are united in our differences. Ask the next person you see what there passion is, and share your inspiring dream with them. Travel often; getting lost will help you find yourself. Some opportunities only come once, seize them. Life is about the people you meet and the things you create with them, so go out and start creating. Life is SHORT. Live your dream and wear your passion."

There are times when I doubt whether I could be happy with anyone. It's almost as if the concept is completely foreign to me. I've always gotten what I wanted, then proceeded to unveil a new want. So knowing full well of this extreme character flaw, today I thought about making a commitment to myself, to not make commitments to anyone else. Then the loneliness took over me and I felt desperate, which is obviously another one of my character flaws (I'm discovering more and more of these every day). Desperation was followed by fear or maybe driven by it, either way I was overcome with the thirst to be with my own somebody. However, this thought confirmed my first thought. I should not be looking for a somebody, I need to deal with the loneliness firstly and separately. Because even though the lack of a somebody appears to correlate with the abundance of loneliness, in reality the two are seriously unrelated. I just need to reassure the bird that we are whole and complete on our own. In other news, I am checking out and attempting to apply to 3 colleges. This is big news! The indecisive girl is finally making some decisions. San Diego State University, Cal State University of San Marcos, and Cal State University of Fullerton are all looking semi appealing to me at this point and I'm extremely excited. We'll see whats to come, but starting Friday I am going on an anti-romance kick. Maybe I'll actually start getting some things done. Conquering getting a new job is this months goal!

I must do this!

Went a little loco on Amazon today. Bought like 4 new books. Still working on the other 30 that are sitting on my bookshelf. I think I will make something tomorrow. Possibley cookies. I keep getting chills when I think about the happiness level of my life, for both good and bad reasons. Good because, uhhh well life is amazing, unusually so. Bad because, surely things cannot go on like this forever. And I'm extremely proud of myself for all the accomplishments I've made in the last month. I've found the strength to win over my curiosity and refrain from indulging in past destructive behavior. My passion still rules my world but I think it has made a dramatic change in content. I am more in love with myself and my thoughts than ever before and no one can take that from me for the very first time. All I need now is a new job and more of what I've got. Oh and I've gotta get a tatoo! Ohhhh and I want a new camera, an old school one.

It guts me to my core. All the coffee and the tea, the food, the music, the knees, the smiles and the tears. Everything. Screw you thunder! I'm out.

"Passion. It lies in all of us. Sleeping... waiting... and though unwanted, unbidden, it will stir... open its jaws and howl. It speaks to us... guides us. Passion rules us all. And we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love... the clarity of hatred... the ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank. Without passion, we'd be truly dead."

My Mimi died.
My Dad died.
My Austin died.
My Jared died.
Countless of my residents have died.
And the sad fact is... it's never gunna stop.
What's even worse is now I just expect it.
I'm not afraid anymore.
Talk about being callused.