In this sense we are still children.
Small children.
Who need our mothers to hold us
close and dear in times of fear.
When waiting is all life has become.
You dream of yourself on a swing,
your fathers strong hand
pressed against your back
as you pump your legs as fast as they'll go
in hopes of launching into the stars.
Where death and loneliness do not exist
And everyday begins and ends with a smile.

Béseme

Two years ago today, I trapped myself in my room with the blinds shut, blocking out all the light. My blankets up over my head and my bones shaking. Falling in and out of sleep throughout this day and the 6 that followed. I can't remember who I was then. I can't remember how I felt or what I thought. All I know is that it hurt. And I kept it all to myself. I said goodbye and I moved forward but it wasn't until July that I actually dealt with it. You never think it's gunna be you. You never think that today may be the day your dad takes his last breath. One day you hate him for loving his poison more than his children and the next day you hate him for dying and leaving you behind. Like a little girl, I filled my bed with every pillow I could find, I held myself and tried to remember everything about him. It's never enough. And you never get past it. But you deal and you make promises with yourself that it'll all be okay. That you didn't waste your time being stubborn for years and years instead of spending that time with him. Every once in a while it starts to hurt again but you get through it. You look yourself in the mirror and convince yourself that there was love. That he would have changed if he had more time. That you meant more. It's never enough. But you deal.

If I could paint a picture of who I want to be in 10 years, I wonder what it would look like. In my mind this image slowly comes into frame. My hair messy. A studio apartment unorganized yet full of character and art. Lots of art. And color. Dogs at my side in the kitchen. And clothes everywhere. Sketches and notes too. Reminders all over the fridge with pictures of my fantastic friends. My friends and their growing families and their smiles and our memories. My work bench will be covered in my latest project, the same goes for my kitchen table, which I'd never eat at because I'd much prefer the couch or the floor. The place may be a mess but nothing will ever be lost and the dishes will always be done. The largest wall in the apartment would be consumed of filled book shelves. And in my spare time, I'd read, everything. I'd be educated. And completely obsessed and absorbed with nothing at all. I'd be successful. With successfully having written and published a magical work of almost fiction and several books of inspirational thoughts and quotes. I'd be designing. Magazines, rooms, homes, lives. I'd be independent and in love with my independence. But real love would be just around the corner, just waiting to creep up on me. But this time he'd be a keeper and a new painting would begin to take shape.

"I was glad I wasn't in love, that I wasn't happy with the world. I liked being at odds with everything. People in love often become edgy, dangerous. They lose their sense of perspective. They lose their sense of humor. They become nervous, psychotic bores."

-Henry Chinaski

I'm the hero of the story Don't need to be saved
I'm the hero of the story Don't need to be saved
I'm the hero of the story Don't need to be saved
I'm the hero of the story Don't need to be saved

Saying goodbye
To all my bad habits.
I will not be speaking to you
I'm sorry for that.
But it's for the best
I promise.
Goodbye to Ooopses.
I will not be making these same mistakes over and over again.
Goodbye to powerlessness.
Happy Independent Girl I am.
And Happy Independent Girl I shall be.
The New Year marks a New Era.
Haven't quite figured out it's title just yet.
But it's coming.
I'll be twenty in six months.
So that leaves me just six months
To make the best of the rest of my childhood.
=) I know they say you're grown at eighteen, but lets get real.
We might not even be grown at thirty.
I'm apprehensive to set some new goals
but goals are what I do so here goes:
1) Move on from the Village. Make some real money.
2) Keep up with daily workouts.
3) Pick a education path. Finally answer all the questions.
4) Explore More: Read. Observe. Get lost in thought.
5) Photography: Do. Enjoy. Share.
6) Write it! Novel. Blog. Everything.
7) Take it to the next level. Grow. Love. And Be Real.

It's a tragic love story.
One where each of them, guy and girl,
had undeniable feelings for one another.
The tricky part was the defining of those feelings.
She hates him. She hurts him.
She can't see herself without him.
He can't leave her. He never could.
But he knows it won't work.
It's a tragic love story.
The other girl.
Always the other girl.
She was there at his side all along.
She listened. She understood. She bit her lip.
She fell in love with an idea.
An idea of what could be.
She decided to patiently wait it out.
It's a tragic love story.
With no happy ending at all.

Last night. In the simplest terms... was not memorable. Today started off right. It's sad that a whole night spent with one person doesn't begin to compare to the 3 minute morning phone call from another. It is a good thing though. I'm smarter now. I love that I know better than to get carried away with the passion and the fact that someone has tickley feelings for me. I like that Bessy understands this. I like that Mego still stays skeptic. It's good to have support from both sides, since I don't ever know which side I permanently stand. It's okay tho. I halfway decide that none of the current interests will do. I need freshness. Maybe that's what spring is for. Winter is for relaxing. I want to take many more photos. I feel so at home with a lens in hand. Church tonight. Planning for tomorrow and smiling everywhere in between. I really want this holiday break to be drama free. Even if that means managing everything separately and dealing with my sister in my own way. I'm not so filled with frustration anymore. A peacefulness has taken over me in the past year. I thank a few people for that. This happy thing has lasted a lot longer than I expected it to... that's what I'm most thankful for.

Snap Clk'd into My World

It's not the little things, no. It's not the big things either. It's the everyday things. The comforts and the ironies. This skin, I feel comfortable in. I know what I want. Know what I don't want. Know that making it happen, is where the beauty lies. And I'll talk, in and out of my ass for days and get nowhere and everywhere at the same time. Hello? Are you listening? I don't think so, but I don't know so.
I don't think I want children. I mean I do. But I must know the secret to raising obedient, well- rounded children beforehand. I do like their little hands. And that they need you. And how insanely smart those little creatures are. I don't know, I really do wanna make babies with him. And see him transform. But maybe it's not him I see. Maybe the picture is just fuzzy and it slightly resembles that juicy-lipped man, but it's not really him at all. I can't wait for the picture to clear up. I can't wait for all my pieces to fall together into place. Maybe it won't make sense. Maybe it won't be all that less fuzzy, but it'll feel right. And I'll put my faith in it.
Juicy-lipped man phoned me today. He wanted to talk. About anything. Just to hear the sound of my amusement at the fact that all he cared to do was tell me that he would be at a show tonight. And to be safe. He worries. He's protective. He won't say it every time, but sometimes he lets me trick him into feeding me compliments and words of comfort. "It was cute." I love when he says cute. Or when he approves my choice of greeting. Finding the classic nick name to do the trick. He's all I ever write about. No wonder I am so fucked up.
Shaved-guns man will soon be under my spell. During a night of drunken arguments I convinced her to give me the ok. Sure there are circumstances, but nothing I can't work out. And in doing this, it'll put me in more situations of humor with my Man-Bestfriend/Manfriend-on-the-side. We've got to work on his secret keeping tho. I realize now, that these sort of boundary-filled relationships give me thrills. The second the boundary is crossed however, I loose all interest. So therefore this boundary-filled relationship will not be crossed for all the obvious reasons as not so clearly stated above. I love it though. I leave with a smile every time.
I told my bigger-breasted-than-me friend last night that if you can't find something you need in one person, look for the things you seek in another. Understand that the person you donate a numerous amount of your time to, may not be able to give you every thing, but they do the best to offer what they can. Don't try to mold them into something they are not. Instead take what they give and find another person who can give the rest or multiple other persons. If you plug all your chords into the same outlet your bound to blow a fuse eventually. Try out some of the other outlets around the house, you might find that things run a little better when distributed a little more precisely. (Hope the metaphor makes sense.) I liked this though. I surprise myself sometimes with the absurd things that leak from my teeth.
I took a deep relaxing breath today. I'm beginning to think that family doesn't have to equal drama or carry the harsh hidden meaning of the word. Maybe in caring less I have found more peace. Maybe. I don't worry much about it. Or put much thought into the comfort of these people. There's nothing in my hands anymore and that's just where I want to be.
Confession: I'm filled with envy over my sorta step-sister's B-frienn. He's quite delicious, among many other creative words that come to my mind. But I will refrain because it's wrong to covet thy sorta step-sisters man. It's okay though. I'll take it like this. There is hope that the kinda man I'm seeking truly does exist. And not only in my fairytale-like dreams. ;)
This is the last week. That's it. Just 2 finals. And 2 papers. Then it's shopping, baking, smiling, sleeping, cuddling by the fire that makes your cheeks hot and laughing with my people that make life just a little easier to enjoy.
Must mail my holiday cards tomorrow!

The truth is that I don't, in the slightest bit, care about where this goes. I mean I could go there over and over and over again and still it would mean nothing cuz it's with you (or rather, not with him). And I now realize how wrong that is. So yes I said no to you tonight and yes I will say no to you many more times until it's my head and my heart! saying yes. Tonight, was not that night. From the second that I looked down at your shoes to the moment you finished your entirely too long rant about how you just realized you're a raging alcoholic, it was clear that saying no would be easier than I thought. "I usually get what I want," you said and I looked back at you and said "so do I". Besides, I already won once tonight, what makes you think my mind will be so easily swayed? Through all of your efforts and all of your attempts it was not your face I wanted to see. So basically I'm fucked. I want it. I don't want it. I want it. Why can't I make up my damn mind. No really! Why can't I just get over him? "I don't just want you once, I want you on a regular basis." Are you fucking kidding me? Story of my fucking life! Hello! I'ma pretty awesome girl! And if you can't recognize that then you are lost. And while you are most definitely lost... I'm sitting here waiting and trying to convince myself that saying no, to you and to him and to every other future him, is worth it. That something better will win out them all. I hope I'm not wrong. But I did listen to my instincts tonight! For the first time in a long time and I'm so glad that tonight this post is not about shame and guilt, but more about less of that haha. I like me way too much to let you ruin it. So grow up! And buy some new shoes. Cuz for me it's not about what you can do. It's about everything else.

"I suddenly remember an old game I used to play when I was nine or ten, and was allowed to ride my bike until it got dark. I used to make little bets with myself as I watched the sun getting lower and lower on the horizon: if I hold my breath to twenty seconds, the night won't come. If I don't blink. If I stand so still a fly lands on my cheek. Now I find myself doing the same thing, bargaining to keep him, even though that isn't the way it works."

I am always waiting.

It's a sad simple fact, but I think it may be true for most people.

Waiting for the time to pass.

Waiting to have the time.

Waiting to be sure.

Waiting to learn, speak, laugh, show, teach, cry, kiss, run, care, fly & fall.

Waiting to love.

Waiting all the time.

I don't know how to live without waiting. I always catch myself telling someone else to wait for "it". Often times not knowing what "it" is or even if they should wait. I know I wouldn't if I knew how to not. This idea of patience being a virture is surely true, but not a virture that I posses easily. I'm racking my brain for answers or ways around it. Do it. Do it. DO IT! No more waiting.

"Time Does Not Exist. Clocks Exist."

"They say I haven’t slept in weeks,

you’re the only thing I see.
I’m a satellite heart
lost in the dark.
I’m spun out so far
you stop, I start.
But I’ll be true to you."

Mom...
You held my hand.
You played with my hair until I fell to sleep.
And taught me right from wrong.
You nursed my wounds.
You put me first.
You never let me see you cry.
And made sure my life was as normal as possible.
You protected me from the worst.
And guided me to the lights of the world.
You reminded me of my strengths,
when I felt like there was nothing to look forward to.
You showed me real love.
And for that I am forever thankful.
I love you, Hunny!
Happy Birthday!

"Six billion people in the world, six billion souls.

And sometimes... all you need is one."

"And then I felt sad because I realized that once people are broken in certain ways they can't ever be fixed and this is something nobody ever tells you when you are young and it never fails to surprise you as you grow older and you see the people in your life break one by one. You wonder when your turn is going to be, or if it's already happened."

Drowning with no water. My hands are pruney and wrinkled but still thirsty. Where are you? I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I can't have it. I can't make it work. Nothing goes the way I planned and somehow I break everything I touch. I'm clumsy with my heart. Needy with my hands. And frozen with my feet. I get no where fast. But I'm always looking forward to something. I'm infatuated with the idea of happily-ever-afters, yet I lack the security of certainty. I drove down that road today & watched my memories unfold in front of me. I reached for you in the seat next to me. Where are you? I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. Teeth. Cheeks. Hands. Eyes. And all the lies. It's ok. I understand. I only wish you never left.

"It's not fair of you to hide in my dreams and not be here when I need you the most."

Which one is it?

This is the epitome of me.

Never assume anything out of me. Trust me, you have no idea who I am. Let not my actions or my words display to you how I feel. I am more complex than you could ever dream of. It's not a flaw, though. Nor do I find this to be a weakness. Rather a strength in so many words. For I am constantly being renovated. Let go. Let go. Let go. The only constant is change and the only person I want to be is me. For a second there I thought I had it all figured out. Be the good person. Give them all a fair chance. Apologize when your wrong and forgive when they can't. But it takes two to tango and two to fall apart. And when it does, I'll never be able to bring myself to care. "You left me first," I'll think and maybe I'll be wrong. But I'll never chase after you. It's not enough to know you loved me-when. Cuz I'm fantastic at convincing myself otherwise. At least with everyone but one. Not enough. Not enough. Not enough. Maybe I seek too much. Maybe I need too much. I'd rather be alone than settle, though. I may be weak but I'm not without courage. I take a deep breath and shove my heavy fears down my throat. I am lost, still not without direction. Never gave in. Never gave up. I'm the only thing I'm afraid of. I am royalty yet still meek. Only one reigns over me. Ever extending my arms, wrists and fingers, out.
I lied.
I do care.

Junkie Jonez

It's been DAYS since my last post, but it seems like much longer. Still, my insides are smiling and it's not love. At least not the romantic kind. Actually it may be the lack of love that is doing the trick. I'm so much more healthy when that kind of passion isn't clouding my thoughts. Love is like a drug to me and it's seriously addictive. Luckily enough the tiniest hit is all I need. Any more than that and I can't function, but any less and I suffer symptoms of withdrawal (seizures of the heart). I get my hits when I need them and that's enough. Well it's not enough but it's enough for now.

I'll be my own inspiration.

"Cause I
can't shake this fire
burning deep inside my
heart."

Wanted to let you know...

I wish I could say I am done. That I've given up and surrendered to the fact that what I want doesn't really exist. But I haven't. I can't. I read this on another blog today and it moved me :"Maybe the happy ending is knowing that being who we are is good enough and that we can stand on our own two feet. Maybe its knowing that it's okay to be alone." I feel like I'm flirting with the idea of this constantly in my mind. Being alone and being fine with it. I want to give in so badly. Cuz chasing after what I want always turns out messy. I want to stop wanting. Stop having expectations. Stop wondering who people could be and start finding out who they already are right now without alternative intent. I just want to know you! I want to show you my magic and shine some light your way. So after many of the same repetitive internal arguments, I've come to the conclusion that in order to do this I've got to stop obsessing over the little things. Instead I need to learn to take in the big picture. The beauty in it all is not finding someone who likes your hair or your sense of style. It's finding someone who fits with you like a puzzle piece. Each of you with your own unique image on the surface but together you make something special. I want to tell you that I'm really trying to give up on you & me. I'd rather find something that fits me a little better. But the one thing that's holding me back, is the idea that maybe you'll see it when I've completely severed these ties that bind us. I've said it before. It's the timing that counts. Love is never enough if the timing is off. So I'm through playing the game and waiting. I'm done talking about what I want. I'm just finished with this phase. I'm ready to be alone. Not only that, I'm ready to be thrilled by my own independence.

I feel like I don't have much to say, but I still want to say something. And as it always goes... the second I claim to have nothing to say, something to say always comes along. Tonight I'm just happy and content though, and that makes for very boring posts. It's hard to explain this satisfaction, and it's strange how it's always easier to write about the shitty days. The thirst and hunger for peace and happiness but once that comes... I draw up blanks. My mouth is open but the words won't fall from these lips. My fingers move on the board but I hardly get anywhere. So in search for something to write about I find something wrong, a piece missing from the puzzle, something to say, even if it's just say. I find the things I want. Things I play with, in my mind and dreams, but that reality doesn't grasp. I find you. You leaving. You changing. You dying. All the different yous. You who were once my best friend, my brother, my secret aching in my chest. Each and every one of you. I think of you all often. You're a part of me daily. Sometimes I wonder if I ever cross your minds. If what I experienced was real or just an attempt at closeness on both parts. You're in my tears and the things I fear most. You are my smile and all the butterflies fluttering inside me. You're everything that pains me to the core. But still you are loved and you don't even know it. I find it incredibly pathetic of myself to feel so strongly for all of you who made it look so easy to walk away. Nonetheless I am comfortable in these shoes, however mislead they may be. I wake every day to thoughts of at least one of you and I still smile. I smile and go on with my day. In hopes of finding the next you that makes it all just a little more bearable.

I feel so corky today. This positive feeling has washed over me and it's got me thinking that nothing can go wrong. Adventures await! And all the plans I have are manageable. Even more than that, I can't wait to make more plans. I love this feeling, no matter how long it lasts. Dare I say it that I may be a Happy Girl today?

I Need Something!
So badly.
I'm going to visit you tonight.
I'll breath in all that you give me.
Cuz lately all my lonely thoughts
have been filled of you.
There's peace and direction that is to be found
and my instincts have it that you're the map.

Miss York & Me!

I can't even explain how flattered and fulfilled I feel. It's like "Ahhh I'm so lucky!" I'm so lucky cuz I found this person who gets me. This person who picks up on the tiniest signals & never needs me to explain, but lets me anyway. You're my sister, my other half, my best friend, my everything. All my secrets, even the things I'm most ashamed of, I confess to you. No need to hide anything when I know you'll never judge me. You are the happiest and most pure thing in my world. I make it through the worst days cuz I know that you are going to remind me that it's all gunna be ok. You're by my side through every adventure, even if we happen to be in separate cities. Today you gave me over twenty reasons why you love me. So I just wanted to let you know that the reasons why I love you, Bessy, couldn't possibly be shrunken down into list cuz they would go on for days. I love everything! And I never get bored of you which is really saying a lot. I adore that you can see all my puzzle pieces put together, before I can see the big picture. And that you believe me (sometimes) when I tell you that you are whole and complete all on your own. No one else even compares. We are most comfortable, alive, energetic, amazing and loved when we remind ourselves that nothing is ever gunna be so bad that we can't handle it together. Oh and I hope you know that your my "something to look forward to" too!

Happy Monday!

Today is the beginning & the end.
It's hello & goodbye.

But in case you needed a reminder...

I want it too. Warmyness. Cuddles. A constant fix of great hugs and kisses that remedy even the worst of all bad days. Sweaty palms. Butterflies and tickles. Winks in the hallway and whispers when no one's looking. That feeling of security, when those arms find their way around your waist while you stand at the sink washing dishes. Even those little prickles of a 5 o'clock shadow. Kisses on your forehead and a personal tear-catcher when it hurts too much to breathe. That little grin that rolls across those lips when you say the wrong word and it still makes sense to him and the look that makes you never want to blink again.
I miss it.
But I know I can wait.
It'll be so worth it.

I don't know and I don't know how to know, you know?

My Newest Obsession!
(Click the Pic!)

Girl Crush!

"I don`t think I`m very much like anyone else, really. I`m sure there are aspects of other actors that I share, but I don`t see anybody else and go, "Damn, they stole my thing". I`m me, and I like that there are people who have an appreciation for that. "
-Zooey Deschanel

I'm finding it difficult to be inspired most days. Thirsting for a change or a breath of fresh air. It all seems so stale here, so repetitious. Work, school, work. I need a new job. I need a new outlook. I need things to be easier, even if it's just for a little while. I feel flawed and I keep forgetting about those things that really matter to me. It's not about how much you achieve but about how happy you are achieving it. It's silly but I find myself making a new commitment, weekly, to do something different. To change my ways or enforce new habits. And I think it's a good thing. I sort of admire myself for it because even if I slip up or fall flat on my face, at least I tried. That's more than a lot of people can say. Learning to be comfortable in your weaknesses is not a goal, if it's your weaknesses that are holding you back. Change it. Fix it. That's the most remarkable thing about human beings... we have will power and a conscience. So maybe I offer myself the advice I seek. If I want to be inspired, I should look no where else but within myself. Change it. Fix it.

I wish I was a little asian girlLook how cute I'd be!

The definition of Brini & Ashy!