"I don't think you can ever fill the empty spaces of the things you've lost... I don't think your missing pieces ever fit inside you again once they go missing."

“Perhaps I would have lost the longing for knowledge, instead, been so blissfully ignorant of how much there is to know and explore in this goddamn beautiful world.”

Ok so I miss it. Not you, but the pancakes. A sad but true fact.Sweet Potato Pancakes, you complete me!

Paralysed and Gleaming

"You're not deceiving

And if I could find your heart
I would pull it from your chest
And smash it with my fist
Til it was beating."

"People often say that this or that person has not yet found himself. But the self is not something one finds, it is something one creates."

There is a catalyst headed straight at me. I can feel it. The ground is rumbling and a picture keeps reappearing in my mind. It's a house on Haight street in San Franscisco from a novel I once read about a man who fell in love with a hippie woman. Who knows where I found the image, I thought it was packed in a box in the attic that is my mind. But it's now unpacked and I am painting the walls and Harli is there, sleeping on a vintage green sofa. I'm barefoot and there is paint on my toes. I leave trails of foot-print shaped paint stamps all over the gorgeous hardwood floors and surprisingly I do not care. I'm happy and laughing that laugh that comes from somewhere deep inside your core. Someone is with me but I cannot recognize them nor see their face. It's like I am blind to only them, I feel so unfamiliar but also so comfortable. I reach out and try to touch them and they slip away, like a child's game of Marco Polo they dance around me. I can feel their eyes on me and I can hear their smile, when they move I can sense the air around them moving too. But as badly as I want to see them, to know them they are still invisible. I feel warm though and I know this all sounds so strange but I can see it, the warmth. As random and out there as it is... it serves in a way as my inspiration, my inclination, my catalyst. I don't mean to say that I want to live in San Fransisco in an old Victorian house, any house will do. I mean that I want that feeling. To have love dancing all around me and I can't see it but I can feel it. And it's mine. It's messy but it's mine.

For the past few weeks I've been imagining my life told through a story. Sure I'd only have chapters in a seemingly infinite novel, but I keep day dreaming about how I'd tell the story. And in doing this I begin to remember more and more about my beginnings, the way I felt when I first saw him or met them. And how I developed relationships with people who where once living on a completely separate life track, those who now weave in an out of my own life track often. I want to tell all the rises and falls and tighten up all the loose ends. So I can begin to see all the blank pages still ahead of me instead of trying to go back and re-write the pages of my past.

It's clear to me now more than ever that I have changed so much in the last year. I am much more tattered and worn, like a book on a wooden shelf in some old professor's office. I have lost more people than I ever could have imagined, many of which I could have bet that I would have literally died without. But I am still breathing and the world spins madly on.

"She's got a smile that it seems to me
Reminds me of childhood memories
Where everything
Was as fresh as the bright blue sky
Now and then when I see her face
She takes me away to that special place."Welcome to the world little miss Gemma Jarah Marivani. You are the most perfect and beautiful sweet little girl that anyone will ever have the pleasure of knowing. And I am so glad to say that you are mine! My little niece. After hours of waiting, you finally came along once I finally leave the hospital for some dinner. I was sitting at this janky but delicious dinner joint enjoying a tastey hot pastrami sandwich when I get the news that you made your way out of your warm little womb. Just seconds later Guns 'N Roses comes on the radio in the restraunt singing "Sweet Child 'O Mine" so I declare it your anthem and proceed to scarf down half of my sandwich so I can hurry back to see your precious little face. Let me just tell you princess... You were well worth the wait. I adore you already and I've only known you just a couple of hours. See you tomorrow sweet girl I can't wait to see what this world has in store for you.Born: December 1st, 2010 at 7:53pm
Weight: 7lbs 14.6ounces
Height: 20 inches