It's mine. This piece and that piece. It's still mine. I can't give it up. I won't. It makes me mad. I have all these ties. These memories. All these things linking me to these people. These people I once thought were so wonderful and in ways, they were. The way they drove my car and touched my hair. The way they protected me and caught me before I hit the ground. The way they made everything fun and worked hard for my smile. And especially all the ways they made me feel. Feel for people in ways I didn't know a person could feel. But for one reason or another all that's left are these ties. These memories. All these things linking me to these people. And that's all I'll ever have. But it's still mine. I know, I know, I know. I talk in circles. I rarely make any sense. And maybe it's all my fault. But maybe... Maybe it's not.

"No Past. No History"
I cut my hair off. The dead strands fell all around me. My dreams are consumed with this overwhelming sense of affection but when I wake this reality overcomes me. I learned something. People's personalities do not change. People may change in ways but the things that make them who they are, will never. This does not include mistakes they've made. As humans we are entitled to our mistakes. It's actually the very thing that makes us human. Often, we forget this. We hold others to a standard based on their mistakes and we say we forgive but we never do. It's disgusting, repulsive and ignorant. Love! Love love love! Despite the risk you may be taking. I'm sick and stale of all the rest.

I feel like I'm dancing... all the time. And if my days continue like this I could be happy forever. It doesn't matter if I have a man at my side or someone to talk to when my day goes wrong, it's not about that. It's about having myself to depend on. Knowing that regardless of the way everything else turns out, I will be okay. I am content. I have everything I could ever ask for. Now I just need to build on what I've got. It's about knowing that I am worth it. Knowing that if I take that leap out of my cage I will soar. So show me something to leap for!

I am not hardcore. I am soft. I am warm. I let myself feel for others in a deep and profound way. I am not built of steal. I am not capable of walking away unscathed. I am in it, even when I hide that fact. Everything means something to me. Just thought I'd let you know. I've got a feeling about this. Not good or bad, just a feeling. And I'm going to make it worth while.

Is there a twelve step program for love addicts?

"Call it quits or get a grip. Say you wanted a solution, you just wanted to be missed."Get rid of the excess. Watch your balloons float away into the sky and realize that you already knew that there was nothing there. When it happens, it'll be impossible to let go. What is meant to be will be. I don't need them to need me.

Helpful Hints

1.)Do not be talking to me about how you feel about me when you have a girlfriend.
2.)When you have to be up at 7am, go to bed instead of sitting on facebook.
3.)In beginning a friendship or at least a something-ship, do not have the first question you ask me be something rude, ridiculous, and disgusting.
4.)When you say your gunna do something, do it. No one likes a fake, flake or floozy.
5.)If the guy you thought about forevers with turns out to be a loser, move on, don't waste your time trying to figure out what you did wrong. Cuz chances are that you didn't do anything, he's just a loser.
6.)Say your sorry, only if you mean it. No matter what.
7.)When things don't go your way, try a new way.
8.)Put yourself first and let no one convince you that you're selfish for it.

That wasn't it. It rang a familiar bell but, nope... that was NOT it. So I say that on Monday I'm going on strike. Clear my system and stop seeking, so I can start finding. It makes little sense but that's the way I think it's gotta be. So a full week of no nanner starts Monday! Aren't we all excited to see how this goes?

Well I've concluded that the conclusion I've come to, just plain sucks.

When do I ever get what I want?

"It'll never be more than sex with anyone for a long time. I've already gone through that and it's not just sex with her."

Why didn't you...
...?

This is the chapter where I find it all. The one where I realize that no one else is more worth living for than myself and in this chapter I go adventuring. Only not the same sort of adventures that I have ventured before. No, this time I'll put myself in situations that I am unfamiliar with. With people I haven't quite figured out and versions of myself I have yet to have seen. It's the chapter where things begin to fall together and into place. Where I just live like the Freebird I know am. Road-trips and weekend vacations. I want to do all the things I've been talking about. I want to feel something new. I want to make it happen and be able to look back at this moment, this person that I am and think "Wow, look how for I've come." It's disappointing for me to wake up and see that list on my wall and know that I haven't tackled hardly any of the things on it. I think I've placed myself back in that cage temporarily. Only the cage door is wide open and I'm just sitting in there on my perch watching everything happening around me. It's safe there. The drop isn't too far and the chances of me falling are slim to none. But if I creep out and fly, I fear I may get hurt. No more of that! This is the chapter where I leap! Where I stop watching life happen to everyone around me and instead I join them. I chance the drop. I spread my wings and soar with nothing more than faith in myself and the things unseen. The wind in my feathers and my regrets back in that cage.

"I won't regret saying this. This thing that I'm saying. Is it better than keeping my mouth shut. That goes without saying. Call, break it off. Call, break my own heart. Maybe I would have been something you'd be good at. Maybe you would have been something I'd be good at. But now we'll never know. I won't be sad. But in case I go there. Everyday, to make myself feel bad. There's a chance that I'll start to wonder if this was the thing to do. I won't be out long. But I still think it better if. You take your time coming over here. I think that's for the best. Call, break it off. Call, break my own heart. Maybe I would have been something you'd be good at. Maybe you would have been something I'd be good at."
-T&S

"An intellectual says a simple thing in a hard way. An artist says a hard thing in a simple way."
- Charles Bukowski

It's Poetry

"Among other things, you'll find that you're not the first person who was ever confused and frightened and even sickened by human behavior. You're by no means alone on that score, you'll be excited and stimulated to know. Many, many men have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now. Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles. You'll learn from them - if you want to. Just as someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you. It's a beautiful reciprocal arrangement. And it isn't education. It's history. It's poetry."

-Catcher and the Rye

So I believe that if there is one thing I am truly obsessed with, then it would have to be books.
Followed closely by love and fruit.

Damn! Shouldn't have done that! Shouldn't have looked. Shouldn't have taken myself back to that place. I'm moving forward. Or at least trying to. Yes I miss my friend but it's not worth it. And what I do makes no difference in this situation. I just hope it's not all crappy when you come back. Cuz I said goodbye. I've said goodbye more in the last two years than I have ever said it in my life. And it's not just because I was angry or because I didn't get what I wanted. I said goodbye because it was right for me. And you weren't. You weren't right and neither were they. But I always fell back into it. I always gave you and all of them another chance. Boy was I wrong. Always left disappointed. For once will someone be real. Will you fight for a compromise instead of a conversion? I promise you now, I won't fall back again. It's done. I let go of the dream. I let go of the friendship. I let go of all of the YOUs. I let go. “I was always looking outside myself for strength and confidence, but it comes from within. It is there all the time.”