Everything I say is just soo... Deja Entendu.
(Already Heard)

So here's the thing. I never saw the last Star Wars movie they made. I've never felt secure enough in my own skin to ask out a guy that I'm attracted to. And I've never really been on my own. Gunna change that. Gunna do more than exist. Gunna build a fort out of sheets. Gunna run around with my head held high and not give two shits what anyone has to say about that. We are all so damn insecure. When you're young, everything feels like the end of the world, but it's not. It's just the beginning. It's all laid out ahead of you, the world is yours. Take it. Do something with it. Enjoy it. Don't wish you were older or wish you were someone else. Be in love with who you are and find some other people that are also.

Hey, a teeny piece of advise... stop liking me so loudly.
You're going to freak me out.

I am so in love... with this girl. I'm amazed by her grace and clumsiness. I'm happiest when I'm alone with her but we get along pretty well when we're around her friends too. She's sweet and silly. She's got a big heart and big eyes. She's so alive and free and she makes friends wherever she goes. She's beautiful and creative, and she creatively sees the beauty in others as well. She's messy but organized. Smart but ditsy. Sassy but tame. She's a fighter but also a forgiver. She's you, but most importantly... she is me.

I had to toot my own horn just a little bit. It felt good.

I am a thief, it's true, but I loved it oh so much!

"The truth is, you're going to leave whether I want you to or not. So when the time comes, why would I try and stop you. I'd rather follow. Let me see your world, darling. We could be beautiful."

- A Kaleidoscope Lady

I just want to eat my fruit. I want to wake up and run and breathe and scream and then stop and flop on the floor with half a watermelon in my lap and I want to devour it. I want to eat pineapple chunks with my thumb and index finger, no fork. I want to peel an orange with my hands like a monkey and get all kinds of sticky, then turn around and lick the sticky away. I want to feel the way I do about fruit, with another person and I want that to be okay.

I don't want to be rational. I don't want to have to make sense and I want it to be okay for me to be upset one second and to be over it the next. I want compromise and vulnerability and intimacy. I want LOVE! In the biggest picture that love can be in. I don't want to fear an end ever again. I want to put myself completely in it and not ever feel like I am taking a risk. I want to feel beautiful on even my ugliest day and I want my favorite qualities to shine brightly all around me. I want to know that the person who is with me, gets all those happy-insides feelings that I get when I am with them. I want equality and understanding. I want to be on the same level. I want to never have to explain my irrational or illogical waves of thought. I want to give and feel appreciation. I want to receive without ever expecting it. I want to share my family. I want to share my future. I want it to be more than a want. I want it to be a need. I want to wear coordinating colors to parties and when I get too tipsy I want to know I'll be taken care of and not advantage of. I want my world to fit with someone else and I want it all to just make sense like that.

So I'm home! After a week of soul searching across half of the country, I found a few things that I once thought I'd lost. The most important thing being my standards for the people I surround myself with, or more specifically the people I choose to be romantic with. I can't stand smokers, liars, manipulators, snobs, or selfish people who 'use' in order to numb themselves. I'm slightly disappointed with myself, because looking at my track record these are the types of men I am most attracted to. But as always I am slowly but surely growing more and more aware of my bad taste and attempting to do something about it. I've gotten myself out of a crappy situation that essentially only brought me to yet another low point in my life and I'm very glad for that to be over. I'm excited about everything now. I think I'm going to head back to church and start healing again. I'm beginning to realize that nothing in my life ever goes the way I plan for it to. So I'm going to start planning without expectations. I'll get to where I need to be eventually. Right now there is nothing that I want more than a Krispy Kreme doughnut and a great tan, both of which I believe to be extremely do-able.