I hold it all in. Don't say too much. Don't wait too long. Don't do it if you don't want to. I put my head on my knees and think about the last 24 hours. It felt like I was 18 again. Wishing so muchly that you'd just put your  hand to my hair or that you wouldn't look away. I stayed on my side of the car. I kept my hands to myself. Pop Pop Pop Pop. Then I tried to pry the gum from your mouth. I had forgotten what it was like to play. The tightening of my chest when your fingers barely touch my arm. It was comfortable. The silence was comfortable and the hours passed too quickly. I wanted to be the one to say when it was time to go. I wanted the upper hand. "Say when." We both know I would have never said 'when'. I felt like myself. Or my old self. I don't know which self I really am anymore. When I'm with him I'm Brittaney and when I'm with you I'm Britone. When it's just me... I'm Bird. [Then what about Bessy, Brit, Jonesy, Breen & Bee?] I am them all and I don't want to choose one. I can't choose one. I took it out of my hands. I shouldn't be the one saying so much. I shouldn't be so up front about what I'm feeling if the reciprocation is quite scarce at the least. I just want my friend. I just want to make it ok to have fun with my friend, without any thirst for more. I have my man. He loves me hard and openly. It's safe there but I miss the fire. I think when it comes to things like this, where you look at it and just see two choices. There is usually a third choice hiding somewhere. And that choice is neither. Drop it all and give me my God. I feel like only when I start to put my God first and living a life I can be proud of is when I will truly be fulfilled. And although I already know this to be true I know its still going to take some time to get there. I want you to walk with me.