My heart is in my throat. It's been months but every time I hear the sirens on an engine, I feel this way. Today is worse. I can almost map out the future and the "something" that I've always labeled as a bad feeling, I am now nearly accepting as a truth. A destiny in fact. All I want to do is avoid it, but the only thing my mind allows me to think of is the people they will be coming home as. For one of them, I have already come to terms with this future. It's something he's wanted since he was little and something I knew within five minutes of meeting him. But with the other, I always believed he could be more. I saw him marrying a nice girl and being a fireman dad and building tree-houses for his kids who would be close friends with my own kids. But now that idea seems to be more of a silly dream. One of those dreams you wish you never woke from and now that you have, you want nothing more than to close your eyes and fall right back into it. But instead my reality feels like a nightmare. The need to control something takes over me. I feel as though I need to witness them trusting anything I say, but instead I fear my thoughts to become "what is the use in trying when I can save no one." They'll never listen.
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