You're so calm and I'm so strange. You comprehend it all. And with you, I'm never reaching for the words, instead they come marching out of me like a welcome home parade. You're terribly wise and I'm simply mediocre. I think, while you create. You've got me inspired and I've got you wanting to kiss things. The unwritten secret is... I like you, and I'm extremely terrified that I might ruin it.

Tough waking up this morning. The whole night long my dreams lead me to you. Which obviously makes them greater than the reality where you're so far away.

"I wish you here."

I like you this much and it's really okay.But the best part is, there's nothing messy about it.

I promise I will ALWAYS tell you the truth... why can't everyone else just do the same?

So the thing is... I've never needed anyone. Anything one person couldn't give me, never failed to surprise me. Remember that. You can leave me disappointed over and over but one of these times you're gunna realize that I'm not gunna be waiting around for you to do it again. I'll move on. Someone else can just as easily fill your shoes.

"Well I watched your black tied family Rise up from graves near cemeteries That I have not been to since your goodbye And I drank another simile And compared your Jesus to a thief He took my bones and turned them into bread. Cause I can feel your pain, in my bones, in my bones. I was scared to call your mother For news that you weren't getting better Well my God, what the hell am I supposed to do? And I ran off and ran on to something That I swore was everything but beautiful I only say that word for you Cause I can feel your pain, in my bones, in my bones. And I can feel your pain, deep in my bones, deep in my bones. And hallelujah to the one in our bones And hallelujah to the one that we love"

I was driving down the road today, the windows down and my curls blowing around like legs on an octopus, when I started to remember something. Me. That girl in her truest form. I smiled and laughed at my reflection in the rear view mirror and the song on the stereo. Put my fingers to the nozzle and cranked up the noise as I sang the whole way to work. Its so good here. Even the things I should be worried about don't seem to bother me. I take what I am given and get what I want. What use is a day filled with resentment. So yes I've been shaken and yes my mind has wandered but no, you've yet to see me at my worst. Take it off, suck it up, and throw it down, there's not enough time for us to be wasting it like this.

The second you give up what makes you happy in order to please someone else is the day you lose a piece of yourself, regardless of whether its for love or not. Because if you really loved them, it would make you happy too. And if they really loved you, they'd never ask you to do it.

With every fiber of my being I wish I could do just one thing.Forget you.

It's not about losing love. Love can never be lost. It's about losing people. Losing people to change, to death, to other people. But it's never been about losing love.

I don't know much about patience or doing the right thing when the wrong thing feels so right. I don't know how to keep my mouth shut about something I feel so intensely about. I don't know how to be the perfect girl or how to make a good first impression. I don't know how not to think naughty thoughts and I don't know how to slow down. I don't know how to grow or to disconnect from those I once loved. Once loved always loved. There's a part of me that went with you when you left. And parts of you I take with me on my journeys to come. You made me stronger and I am blessed to have known you. I will change, inside and outside. Yet some bits of me will always be the same. But I can't ever apologize for wanting. Wanting more, wanting less, wanting to run, wanting to un-run, wanting things to be the same or different, wanting to un-change it all and go back to the start. Eternally an optimist. Eternally hopeful. Eternally yours, but only certain versions of you. Tell me how to un-want and I'll do it. Tell me how to bring you back. You make me stronger and remind me everyday, how to forgive. Forgiveness is key.

I can feel it in my throat. Why did you have to go and leave me? I'll lay upside down in the dark and ponder this. Hold Me. Hold Me. Hold Me! Cuz I am finally seeing. I was the one worth leaving.

I'm sick about it. No, you don't know me."There's more than blood that beats through my heart."

Sometimes, when it's not too cold, I like to sit in my room, in the dark, alone, with a blanket and my thoughts. Tonight, this was the case. I sat there and let my mind wonder. I thought about the many people that have been betrayed in their lives. Which is most of all of us, I'm sure, but I began to compare. Which kind of betrayal is worse? For me the majority of my relationships have been on the surface. Few people have gotten down to my core and that may be surprising for some but it doesn't make it any less true. I protect myself. And although my heart may be on my sleeve, my truths and secrets I keep in a more safe place. I only give so much at one time. This I have found to be a favored defense mechanism. I keep you only so close. Because the few that have breached this wall that I've built, never failed to destroy my little safe place. Then again I'm quite positive that I have done my fair share of betrayal. I have even successfully betrayed myself, which is easier than you may think. So my question is this... is it worse to be betrayed by those you trust in a deep and profound way or to be betrayed by your very own thoughts and weaknesses?

I woke up this morning and I realized something. I don't even like you. I love the idea of you. But I don't really know you and I don't know how to know you. Whatever. It changes nothing.

A friend of mine said this to me today... "It seems to me that ur soul longs for love. Ur heart has a desire for passion. Ur mind has a want for things that you can't have. But ur thoughts keep you searching for something better." Now, if he can understand this. If I can make this much sense to someone who I don't speak to on a daily basis. If I can be this clear to him, then why can't you see it too? But as he also said "don't worry soon enough something good will find you!" So I'll take this and stuff it in my pocket. And carry it with me, because he is right. Something good will find me. And I won't have to chase it or try to prove anything to it. I'll be Bee and that'll be enough. But if I could tell you one thing, say hypothetically you happen to read this... I am a catch. Not to sound cocky or conceited, but I am. I am perfect for you. We have so many things in common and I am a big fan of everything about you. I'm the type of girl you could fall hard for. Maybe you know that. Maybe you're well aware of this fact and then again maybe you're not. But if it's all the same I wanted to let you know that I'm not going to chase you. And you'll miss your chance cuz I'm no good with patience or bullshit. So open your eyes, and take a hint from my friend. I am well worth it, I swear.

"If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!
- Rudyard Kipling

"Do you miss the blend
Of colors she left in your black and white field?
And do you feel condemned just being there?"

"If I had it my way

You would still be stuck
on me!"