"I know not what."

I was doing so well, you know... getting happy, avoiding the things that made me feel like a piece of shit. And then, in one second, I let all the Jenga pieces in the Jenga tower fall all around me. That order that I had, the security that I began to feel isn't really present anymore. But I know its all within my power to rebuild. I shouldn't have done what I did and even in that moment I knew I was going to regret it. At the same time, I felt like I didn't know how to get myself out of that mess in any other way. So yes, I'm lying when I say that I'm all good. I'm not but I'm aware of it. And today is the first day of making my new goals happen. I'm at the point where my messing up is less about learning from my mistakes and more about battling with the "what if's." What if this time is different. What if I don't feel so guilty after. What if it all works out. My instincts speak otherwise and they always have. I JUST NEED TO START LISTENING! Make me listen. The "what if's are liars." Don't pay any attention to them. They are the darkness calling my name. Satisfaction and fulfillment come not from the darkness, but the light. I want to be the light. I need to be the light. I am the light. Just need that reminder ever so often. Nothing good ever comes easy, I know. But maybe the collapse of my Jenga tower serves as an opportunity to build a stronger foundation.
Bee is a Freebird!: (Goals for Living Better)
Stop letting external variables run my life. Don't do something if I don't want to do it. Stop letting myself believe that maybe if I just give it a shot it'll be ok. No more trying to get people to like me. I am a whole person on my own! Besides, the people that already like me are enough. Stop looking for love or romance or the perfect nice guy. Just stop trying so much. Things will happen. Make my goals and don't let myself be talked out of them. If I say I'm gunna: write the paper, go for the bike ride, not buy lunch, not miss a day of work on campus, not fall asleep in class, say hi to a stranger, eat healthy, be in bed by 10:30pm, wake up by 6:30am, take Harli for a walk before bed. Then that is exactly what I'll do. I've gotta stop talking myself out-of and in-to things. Just need to start listening to my instincts.